Just a Scar - Edited

Every verse is in a haiku format, I am open to ANY suggestions. Anyone reveiwing now, ignore the reviews I already have. They are old and I have fixed this poem up.

All you are is a
Scar that never had a wound.
You're forever there.

I hope you realize,
You only helped my heart
Grow stronger, tougher.

I know not to give
Ev'rything I can offer.
It's a waste of time.

I know not to trust,
I won't give away my heart.
I will be cautious.

You were the teacher,
You made your point very clear.
I'm just the pupil.

A brutal lesson,
It's one I needed to learn.
You have taught me well.

You're only a scar.
Just a mere mark on my heart.
You're forever there.

Hello,
I really liked the idea of this poem, and I think it's quite unique and original! Well Done!
There are just a few mistakes in your syllables which are:
1. "I hope you re-al-ize" It's one too many syllables.
2. This next one is dependidng on how you pronounce the word 'everything'.
Ev-er-ry-thing/ 4 syllables
Ev-ry-thing/ 3 syllables. But either way, "Everything I can" will be too short.
3. "I know to trust" Only four syllables
4. "Only a mere mark on my heart" It's eight/nine syllables.
Here are a few ways to make them th right amount of syllables:
1. Hope you realize
Please, just realize
2. Sorry no suggestions
3. I know NOW to trust
4. Just a mere mark on my heart
You are just a mere mark
About you note at the bottom:
I think it's fine as it is!
Hope I helped!
~Tamara

I gave this a 'like' - it's a clever idea. I think all the nitpicky bits have been pointed out, so I'll just focus on it overall. I thought the 'a brutal lesson' and 'you were the teacher' verses were a bit repetitive. If I am honest I prefered the first one. I didn't really understand this verse:

I know to trust,
To just give away my heart.
I will be cautious.

Maybe I am just reading it wrong.
Keep writing!
Sophie

I think this is interesting because when I usually think haiku I think of nature related poems or somewhat weather related. Maybe in the third stanza second line if you add a "that" so it reads "everything that i can" it'll work. That is if you go with the 4 syllable pronunciation of everything. The only other thing is I'm somewhat confused about the first stanza when it says "All you are is a, scar that never had a wound." I suppose it may just be too deep for me. Good job, this was super creative!

I thought seeing as we were pming so much I'd review some of your work I really like this poem! Fresh use of haikus that I haven't seen in a while. In answer to your question, yes I think the teacher stanza should come before the other one. Now onto the nitpicks!

jemjive wrote:All you are is a,
Scar that never had a wound.
You're forever there.

Personally, I'm not feeling the 'scar that never had a wound' line. Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't really get it. Also I'd remove the comma after a, as there shouldn't be a breath there, it should just run continuously.

I hope you realize,
You only made me stronger,
You didn't hurt me.

This is good, but I feel that you can put more of a symbol in here, rather than just telling the reader, or maybe it's just the last line that takes away from the punch a little bit? It just reminds me of the Christina Aguilera song Fighter

I know not to give,
Ev'rything I can offer.
It's a waste of time.

This stanza is great, my only suggestion it maybe to change it to 'I know not to give / all that I can offer. It / is a waste of time'.
Again, no comma after 'give', you don't have to put commas or full stops at the end of every line as lines can run on, like these do.

Your only a scar.
Just a mere mark on my heart.
You're forever there.

First 'your' should be 'you're'

I really liked it, but overall I think the poem could be better if there was more imagery so it is more identifiable, but I think that's just personal preference about the poems I like more than anything. You're really good, keep it up!

Hey Jem! Here was requested.

First of all, I'm not sure why you picked that form. You said yourself each stanza is in "haiku" form, but these aren't haikus, and the whole poem certainly isn't a haiku, so I'm not sure why you picked it. It was creative, but you still have a couple in there that don't have the right number, and a few lines that sound awkward because you had to make sure that you had the right number of syllables. The rhythm was nice for the most part, but like I said, you have some awkward lines. So I might consider some other forms, or it also helps to read it out loud. It helps you pick out the spots that make you stumble as you read, or just don't sound right.

Now, I have to be honest, I really didn't get much out of this poem. The subject is overdone, and you really didn't bring anything new to the table to make up for that. What you need is more of a story, and some good solid metaphors, some imagery and description. You make a lot of statements, and you do a lot of telling. That doesn't really do anything to capture someone's attention because it doesn't make them think, or wonder, or imagine.

Your form, once you have the awkward bits cleaned up, is probably the best thing going for this poem. In general I'd suggest avoiding subjects like this altogether because they have to be the most overdone of all time. For that reason alone, I'd suggest starting over. I think you'd find it more worthwhile than trying to completely edit this. But if you do work on revising this further, what I would focus on is adding lots of description - use the five senses, use metaphors, simile, symbolism, alliteration, there are all kinds of poetic devices you can use. =] If you have any questions or want any help, feel free to message me!! =]

-Adna