Kate v. Zane (3)

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10262
Reviews 77
Hey, so This is part 3 of a story. It kind of doesn't make sense unless you've read parts 1 & 2. Sorry.

------
“Sprite,” comments the boy, his eyebrows raised. “I figured you for a Root Beer kind of person.”

“Oh,” she counters. “And what kind of person would that be?”

He smiles, almost as if he is about to laugh. “You know, the kind of person who would love to drink their troubles away but just isn’t old enough yet.”

She smiles back. “I’m so glad that I could be so easily categorized, uh,” she trails off, realizing that she had spilled her guts to a boy that she didn’t even know the name of.

“Alex,” he fills in, his smile widening. “And what is your name?”

“Kathalyn,” she replies, “but most people just call me Kate.”

He suddenly reaches out, grabbing her hand. “I like Kathalyn,” he whispers. “It’s pretty, just like you.” Alex takes his other hand and places it gently on her shoulder and she smiles- no one has shown her affection like this since... since....

Zane sat at the diner seat, picking through the overcooked spaghetti. “I don’t think that they could have done this any worse,” he whined to Kate. “Can you call that airhead waitress over to make it better?”

“Baby, don’t blame her… it’s all the cook’s fault. Why does it matter, any ways? You always get the spaghetti and it’s always over cooked. So… what’s getting you so edgy?”

”Uhh… nothing. I’m sorry, Kathalyn, that was mean. You want to go to the movies, we could see District 9, I heard it was good-“

”And I heard it was scary! You know I don’t deal well with scary!” Kate rolled her eyes, reaching across the table to grab his hand. “Let’s go grab some frozen coffees or something?”

Zane took her hand, smiling for the first time that night. “you know I’d love to, Kate, but…”

Kate withdrew her hand, huffing in exasperation. “What is it this time, Zane? Does Harry want to get drunk again, like you guys did last week-“ he raised his eyebrows, preparing to retort, but she just continued. “Don’t pretend it didn’t happen!” She stood up, letting his hand go. “See you later, Zane.”

"I just met you,Alex," Kate says warningly and he pulls his arm back to his side away from her shoulder. For a moment, it feels as if her shoulder was empty- like his hand was meant to rest there peacefully for forever- but then the moment passes. "Sorry," she whispers.
"No biggie," he laughs, and then pulls his hand out of hers- but she won't let him, and grabs tight to his fingers. He smiles brighter, like it was a piece of good news. "Can I kiss you on the cheek?" She ponders the request slowly, and after a moment she nods softly. But, she promises to herself, If it feels weird I'll pull away.

Alex kisses her softly in the cheek. Kate tries to remember if Zane had been this nice in the last few months... nothing occurs to her- she relaxes.

After a split second, the waitress comes back, slams a cup on the counter. "If the manger sees y'all, he'll toss you out," she warns mildly and walks away.

Kate smiles at Alex. "Oops," he mouths, bursting her into laughter.

She takes a sip of her sprite, watching Alex closely.

"Alex, um, I go to college about an hour from here," she says sadly after replacing her glass of the counter. "I don't think that this could work."

His smile doesn't falter. "Make what work?" He says mysteriously, then laughs. "Well, I live close to the community college. Is that the one?"

She nods. "So, um, why are you here?"

"Visiting a friend from college who moved out here, and he said I ought to come here for their pie." As if on cue, the woman returns with a plate with a blueberry pie slice, then leaves silently. "Although they have terrible service here. I've waited half an hour for this."

"Your friends from college... you mean you've already graduated?"

He pulls a class ring off his finger that she hadn't noticed earlier. "Class of '09, we're divine," he jokes. "Mostly correspondence and online courses, since they're cheaper."

"I guess that's why I never saw you at the college before." She pauses, thinking quickly. "Would you excuse me for a second?" He nods, and picks up a fork for his pie as she slides out of the chair and heads toward the ladies' room. Inside, she pulls her cell out from her pocket. She hits speed-dial number one, and listens as it rings.

Once.

Twice.

Just as the third ring starts, the other end picks up. "Kate? I got a ride home from Harry. Thanks so much for coming."

"Zane, I never want to see you again. Ever." She says curtly, and then awaits his reply.

For a moment she hears only breathing on the other side, then a smash of something breaking- his rage always got the best of him. Then she hears a cuss word, directed at her. Then another, and just as she hears another consonant form, she flips her phone closed, ending the call.

She exits the restroom to an awaiting a boy who is halfway through a pie, but looks up to give her a smile.

"Kathalyn?" He says as she sits down. "You're pretty cool, you know that?"

Her hand snakes out to grab his before she can think. Their fingers intertwine and for the first time in months, she feels happy next to a boy.
Last edited by EmiAnne on Mon Jun 07, 2010 9:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"
-mary anne radmacher




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 28776
Reviews 446
Hello there!

Here to give you a you-know-it. :wink:


“Sprite,” comments the boy, his eyebrows raised. “I figured you for a Root Beer kind of person.”

Why did the boy said Sprite in the first place? As far as I know, Sprite isn't a root beer but just a plain soda. Anyway, this starting line is quite confusing for me. You want to know why? It's because I don't know where they are and how did those two meet.


“Baby, don’t blame her… it’s all the cook’s fault. Why does it matter, any ways? You always get the spaghetti and it’s always over cooked. So… what’s getting you so edgy?”

'Anyways' is only one word and I think 'overcooked' too. And what kind of restaurant, would serve overcooked spaghetti?


[i]”And I heard it was scary! You know I don’t deal well with scary!” Kate rolled her eyes, reaching across the table to grab his hand.

A typo, I guess?


"The manager sees you two, he'll toss you out," she warns mildly and walks away.



She smiles at Alex. "Oops,"(space)he mouths, bursting her into laughter.

Who 'she'? Kate or the waitress? You have to specifically state the person, because if you didn't, it'll make your readers confuse and we'll all be thinking it was the 'waitress'.('cause she was the last person who said something) :wink:


"I don't think that this could work."



He pulls a ring off his finger (what for?)that she hadn't noticed earlier. "Class of '09, we're divine," he jokes. "Mostly correspondence and online courses, since they're cheaper."



She exits the restroom to an awaiting a boy who is halfway through a pie, but looks up to give her a smile.



Overall:

First of all, you seemed to rush everything in your story. So, this was kind of confusing that it took me quite a few minutes to read and understand the whole plot. Also, you had a confusing line and a bad ending.
Things that made this story quite unrealistic:

1. Kate meets Alex in a place, we readers, don't know.
2. You didn't state here how did they meet.
3. Kate flashbacks a date with her boyfriend.
4. After all the flashbacks, Alex suddenly kissed Kate.
5. Kate goes to bathroom, and breaks up with her boyfriend through a sudden phone call
6. Zane gets disappointed and Kate ends the call.
7. You didn't specifically reasoned out why Kate dislikes Zane.
8. Kate asks about something to Zane.

Now this are all things that really made this confusing and rush. (Just on my perspective though) Hope this explains a lot.

Good things:

I can see that you're struggling well with your grammars and punctuations, so be happy for that. Your spellings are great too, but this contained a little typos (in your plot).

Others:

I can see this has its potential but only a slight percentage. :wink: What I really want to say is that you should've slower up the pacing and be specific on your plot. Also Show don't tell, I can only see quite a few emotions flowing in your story. And another thing is that, always be ready to have a title whenever you post something here. The title is what grabs the reader's attention to read this piece.

(Sorry for being too harsh because I just wanted to be honest. It's a thing which can help you to be better at your literary skills.)

Keep writing!

Peace out! :smt004

_yuri_
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42906
Reviews 240
Hey Emmi! I'm Kaedee, and I'll be reviewing your story today.

Things I Like/Things You Did Well On:

-Great dialog. From this dialog, I got a pretty good sense of Alex's character.

-I like how Kate flashbacks to the time when she was with Zane at the (same?) diner, and how you write it in italics.

-I love the waitress' accent/the way she speaks, and how she says 'manger' instead of 'manager'. (That was on purpose, right?)

Things I Don't Like/Things That Need Improvement:


-Wow...I agree with yuriiko definitely about the kiss between Alex and Kate. The kiss seems much, much too rushed. So she doesn't really know the guy, and almost just after she gets his name, she kisses him. That's unrealistic. If that's not the case, if Kate does know Alex, you need to do some explaining, since from the text, it seems like Alex is almost a complete stranger to Kate.

-I wish that you gave Kate some more emotions in this piece. How does she feel about the kiss? How does she feel about this Alex guy?

That's all I have for the major comments. I'm still sucked into this story; keep it up! I'm very interested in what exactly the plot is.
Hope I helped-

KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*



The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitudes.
— Viktor Frankl