Old Poem Dump I

I was going through my writing folder when I came across these older poems. I still like them, so I figured I might as well post them up for review to see if I can improve them. I've ordered them from oldest to newest.

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Today I Learned in Biology

Today I learned in Biology
That frogs swallow with their eyes,
That heartworms really wrap around your heart,
And that salamanders are "viciously carnivorous."

Today I learned in Biology
That coral sex consists of spray and pray,
That jellyfish should really be called Cnidarians or Ctenophorae,
And that anuses are a very important adaptation.

Today I learned in Biology
That formaldehyde smells bad.
But, perhaps, most importantly,
I learned not to eat before lab.

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Oil

Drinkin' a cuppa Texas Tea
perched 'pon a noddin' donkey,
Aul' Ken Gaul Meritt comes a-ridin'
down into Baytown.

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Assassin

He stalks like ninja through the night
to catch his target unawares.
His blood-red field of vision spies
the perfect place for spears and tears
through cloth and flesh into organs squishy
with an artist's eye for crimson sloshing.

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Silver, Relics, and Burning Suns

Silver weapons are for werewolves,
Aspen stakes are a lie,
Holy Water is for demons,
As are churches, crosses, prayers -

And though we do burn in the sun,
The stories tell no truth.

After all,
You don't burst into flame
When you get sun burned,
Do you?

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Arjuna

You teeter upon the brink of battle and weep
for your wayward kinsmen whose blood must now seep
into the thirsting earth.

They raised armies against your brothers and broke the laws of Krishna,
and yet, as their cousin and nephew, you still feel the sway of compassion,
unwilling to sentence rebirth.

So Krishna gives you counsel.

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Hey there!

It's a nice little collection you've got here, even if they're a bit old. Going through them one by one:

Today I Learned in Biology: It's short and sweet, and made me laugh - I've had my share of similar labs/dissections/gross facts. A few little nitpicks: "And that salamanders are "viciously carnivorous." and "And that anuses are a very important adaptation." do not flow as well as the other lines. The first I think because the simple succession of sounds there - the 'r' of "salamander" followed by the 'c' and 's' of "viciously" only to go back to 'r' with "carnivorous" makes the tongue stumble a bit, if you see what I mean? The second mostly because of the contrast of rather plain language with the previous line's Latin/scientific names. Also, the comma after "perhaps" is unnecessary.

Oil: I like the flow of the first three lines, but again I drew short at the last. I think it's mostly the difference in length: it ends very abruptly, where with the others you had some space to actually pronounce the words.

Assassin: I don't like this one so much. It sounds kind of awkward the whole time, and doesn't have any really interesting aspect, and seems rather rushed. A few notes:

He stalks like a ninja through the night
to catch his target unawares.

"Squishy" may not be the best word to use here. It sounds very childish, and doesn't fit the mood, and "sloshing" is too great of a contrast with "artist's eye" - it gives me an image of something a lot rougher and inelegant than 'art'.

Silver, Relics, and Burning Suns: I don't really get the point of this one. It lacks punch, and doesn't explore the point you're trying to make deeply enough. I'd suggest expanding it, digging a bit more into the subject.

Arjuna: Had to make a quick trip to beloved wiki to get the story, so firstly: thanks for making me learn something new. It's an interesting premise, and the story definitely looks like it'd be worth exploring. I find that here again you didn't go in deep enough: the conflict between family and duty could have been emphasized more: Arjuna here is between a rock and a hard place, and it's a potential fount of feelings and conflicting emotion, which you've yet to take full advantage of. Krishna's counsel as well could have been expanded on, perhaps in accompaniment to Arjuna's internal conflict.
Also, "unwilling to sentence rebirth." is a bit clunky, but maybe I'm just being my picky self.

Pray: It's a nice play on words and alliteration, and I was definitely smiling as I read it. However, some word choices are a bit iffy, even if I get why you chose them - "writhing" gives weird mental images, and

mangle mighty many metaphors

the "mighty many metaphors" had me scratching my head. Perhaps switch the first two words with each other?

Comments in red

Today I Learned in Biology
This was my favorite. Probably because I don't feel like being deep right now, but still . I love that you didn't rhyme until the last stanza! It gave it an extra "POP" to remember. I also loved all the diffrent facts you gave. I have no advice for this poem! That is a good thing!
[quote="Kyllorac"]

Oil

I don't really like all the slang in this poem. It does give a feeling of country though. I don't really see how any of it relates to Oil. I feel really stupid right now . . .

Sorry, right now I don't have time to review them all. Keep up the good work.

A. S.

Thanks, you two, for the lovely reviews. :D

@Jagged

Assassin and Silver... were written to get a quick laugh from, hence the odd wording and lack of point. I'll see what I can do about the word choice in Assassin and expanding Silver....

As for Arjuna, I have been wanting to expand upon it for a while, but most of the Bhagavad-Gita is philosophical teaching through the vehicle of Krishna's counsel, and while the philosophies presented in it are fascinating, I'm not sure if they'd work as part of the poem.

For Pray, I intended "mighty many" in the sense of "a great many", though if it makes more sense as "many might, I'll change it. And I am curious what these mental images are.

@Arahnia

Texas Tea is one way to refer to crude oil. Similarly, nodding donkeys are oil wells, while Baytown is the single largest oil refinery in the US. I hope that clears that up.

The first one is cute, but it made me kind of mad because the first two stanzas were such a great set up, and the third stanza (mostly the last line) "punch line" was a bit of a let down! This poem could be much better than just cute!

I probably feel this way because the discussion of hearts and carnivores and technicalities discussed in the first two stanzas, and even formaldehyde in the third, are a higher "gross-out" factor (for lack of something else to call it...) than the thought of someone puking after learning about all of these things.

I'm not saying that the final point has to be really disgusting, but I think going for a closing stanza rather than simply a cute punch line would make this poem so much better.

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I guess I don't really know what to say about "Oil". I read your notes in the previous post, and the substitutions are clever, but after the fourth line, I find myself saying more "Okay... then what happened?" than anything else.

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The wordplay in "Assassin" is very nice I guess the only thing I have to say about it is that the ninja in the first line bothers me because ninjas and assassins are usually referred to in two entirely different contexts and the disconnect between the two is distracting.

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"Silver, Relics, and Burning Suns" doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me until the final stanza. Maybe focusing on just one of these creatures would streamline it?

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In "Arjuna", the line break between the first and second lines is *awesome*, but not so much between the second and third lines where it's noticeably awkward. Don't worry so much about ending lines so that they rhyme on sight. Awesome internal rhyme outweighs mediocre enjambment I'm kind of clueless as to the content as well, so I don't have much more to say about this poem.

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The last one is cute too, but again, I'm looking for something more and just not finding it. Starting with "Pray, / perpetuate poetry punctuation" is *awesome*, but then it seems like the rest of the poem is just there to continue the pattern, and I think it could do much much more.