Stupid Tattoo Room

I keep having dreams about you
And it’s driving me crazy
I hope you know that
You elusive boy-man

I hope you know that I can’t stand
That you don’t notice me
That he said I was looking good
And you didn’t

I’m glad you’re only going to community college
Because I can still see you at church
Woo you, somehow
Live up to your stupid tattoo

I’m not just writing this for laughs
I sit in that stupid room and smile
Only for you
Always for you
It’s taken me that long to notice
That you’ve changed

I had a dream that we were getting married
And I liked that one
Because you held me in your arms
Your stupid tattoo arms
And I didn’t even care
That I had a blanket on my head

Hello there
Wow, this is really good. I enjoyed it very much.

I hope you know that I can’t stand
That you don’t notice me
That he said I was looking good
And you didn’t

This was y favourite stanza. It was straight forward and it told it like it is, the truth. I think what is also special about this poem is that I can relate to it. I mean come on, we all have dreams once in a blue moon . You will notice that there is nothing bad I have to say. Oh, there is just one thing I noticed, you did not punctuate much. But I liked it, good job.

Ziggie

Hi,

I love the speaker's voice here. The tone is great. I especially loved "You elusive boy-man" and "Live up to your stupid tattoo."

The second stanza was a little watery; I'd go for more specific images, and I'd expand on the significance of community college and church in the next stanza, giving each more images.

The fourth stanza was a little too focused inward. I'd try to bring it back to this boy rather than what the speaker feels.

The fifth stanza was great; the ambiguous last line is very effective.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hey, you there, remember me! I hope you do but if you don’t, well, that’s okay. But I would be really sad.


Once I finished this, I did find myself asking: “Where are the punctuation marks?”
You don’t have to go in and punctuate every single line, but punctuation will help to remind your readers to pause and take in information.

The issue I did have is that some of this doesn’t seem to completely come together. I don’t totally understand the blanket thing or even the part about him having changed. Maybe I’m missing the meaning that you’re getting at.

But all together, this isn’t terrible. You have some really catchy phrases that make reading your poems memorable!

Keeping writing!

~lilymoore

Hey there! Her we go.

First off, 'elusive boy-man'? Haha. I was like, this has to be a home schooler or a youth group kid, and then:

'...I’m glad you’re only going to community college
Because I can still see you at church...'

I think that this poem is as bitter as it is sweet. I really liked how you had a lot of genuine and personal thoughts, things that one wouldn't normally say aloud. It's a good thing when a poet can include their "inner thought life" in what they write. A lot of people find it really hard to do, and I know that couldn't when I first started seriously writing original poetry.

The 'woo you, somehow' line, in the third stanza, was somewhat confusing at first. The language choice and vocabulary is quirky, but it suits this piece's personality. The bit, in the end, about a blanket being on your head was probably the most awkward part. It made sense, kinda, after a while...but it was so abrupt that I had to go back and retrace myself to understand what in the world was going on. I don't normally have to do that, so I really don't see that as a good thing. It just makes your poem come across unevenly footed.

On the rest, good job. I can tell that you are thinking in the right direction.
I will keep my eye out for you in the future. Keep writing!

At your service,
Mandorelute

Woo you, somehow
Live up to your stupid tattoo

^ LOVE the internal rhyme here!

I think I liked it so much because in this poetic moment, a few different threads tied together and it was just a really solid two lines. I can't really say that about any of the other lines in the poem though, and the general conversation tone through the rest of the poem doesn't really live up to this initial coolness that made me say "woah! I have to take a minute and note how awesome that was!"

What can you do about it? Let's look at the following stanza:

I’m not just writing this for laughs
I sit in that stupid room and smile
Only for you
Always for you
It’s taken me that long to notice
That you’ve changed

^ In this stanza, the first line takes us away from the speaker's focus on the "elusive man-boy" to make us focus on us focusing on the speaker focusing on the "elusive man-boy", and the transition is a little jarring. Something that might help with this, as well as with the flow of each line (syllables, emphasis within words, etc.), would be reading the poem out loud. It's a little awkward at first but it really does help!