Your Voice

Your voice
is like the mist
we are so used to feeling,
soft on our faces.

Your voice
is like the sunlight
we are so used to having
brighten our day.

Your voice
is like a clock tower,
we are so accustomed
to hearing its chime,
and yet it does not lose its magic.

Your voice
is like the roaring ocean,
and although we are so used
to fighting against it,
I have given in.

Awh that was cute :]
I loved the ending really great, good way to close it.

Hey there lakegirl! Lily here and I’m going to totally attempt to review this. Okay? Okay!

So, right off the bat, I’m looking at the layout of this and wondering two things. First of all, why is the second stanza only four lines long while the other three are five. This just seems like an odd difference. I mean, you’ll see some poems where it will be something like: 4, 4, 2, 4. I’m not sure why, but your 5, 4, 5, 5 just seems odd.
Another thing I wanted to point out is the repetition of “Your voice is like…” Generally, I hate repetition but in this sort of poem, I think it works well if it’s done consistently. The thing is, the first stanza just isn’t like other three.


However, as far as the actual idea of this poem goes, I think it’s a very sweet love poem. I mean, it’s not the most creative idea, but it’s a common idea and it’s very well presented which is still good. So congrats!

~lilymoore

It's funny, but this is the second poem today that's really got me thinking about the nature of poetry itself. I reckon poetry has become very 'read-in-one's-own-head' actually, meaning that the ones of us who read very fast indeed tend not to bother reading if the poem doesn't really capture our attention with the amazing words and images. Poetry recitals are sort of...a thing of the past, sad to say, so that's why I came to the following conclusions:

The above poem, as a read-in-one's-head poem did not satisfy me. It sort of fell flat, lacking a strong or original image, a symbol, some kind of metaphor. It seemed grey, upon first, second and third readings.

However, were someone to read this aloud, I think it would be a very chilling poem, actually. So much impact, with the short lines and a translucent voice (I know, that sounds weird) reading it in a low and subtly rising and falling tone - funny that.

Just a few thoughts.

Aww, this was sweet =) There's not much going on here in the way of formal technique, but who's to say that's always a bad thing? I'm just pointing it out in case you wanted to kick it up a notch.

I like that the poem begins with a metaphor: "Your voice / hangs heavy in the air", but the rest of the poem is written in similes: "Your voice / is like the sunlight". I think metaphor would work nicely throughout the whole poem, and give it a little more emotional, confident appeal.

Quickly: in the third stanza, did you mean "clock tower" instead of "clock tour"?