lifeforsale.com

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Factory of vanity, fastlane of lies,
legal slavery, legal ties. Price
of humanity, I won't buy, price
of a leg or arm, too damn
high.

Frankenstein back in a business suit,
selling the limbs, watching the money
just plain sigh.

Magazines promising all too much,
a body that perfect isn't hard. Size
zero offers from Jekyll or Hyde, no
one can tell, no knows why, an offer
given through pretense, through lies.

Even the Gods had imperfect forms.

Even Frankenstein knew right from wrong.

Insuring limbs and Insuring weight,
it just makes me goddamn sick.
You poor take courage
You rich take care
This earth was made a common treasury
For everyone to share
All things in common
All people one
We come in peace
The orders came to cut them down

Billy Bragg - The World Turned Upside Down




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Gender Female
Points 1836
Reviews 245
Hey there, Vernon!

This is a very...emotional poem. xD For the most part it's decent, there are only a couple of things that bug me.

1. You are using waaay to many commas. End some sentences or put semi-colons, you need them in a few places.

2. It's kind of repetitive, though I suppose that's somewhat required for this poem.

And...that's pretty much it. o.o It's quite an interesting poem.

Goodluck, and keep it up.

~Heather
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard appears "We have weasels now!"
[Firearris] 10:45 pm: askes the guard for the weasel!
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard gives Firearris the Weasel.
[Firearris] 10:46 pm: aquires the weasel and renames it "Cat"

Take that, Lumi.




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Points 28467
Reviews 675
Yay, Paladin, you listened to us. Good!

legal slavery, legal ties. Price
of humanity, I won't buy, price


Consistancy is key. If you’re going to start a new sentence with ‘Price’ in the first line but not do the same in the second line, you lose consistency. Actually, I think the second ‘price’ needs to start a new sentence no matter what. :P

Insuring limbs and Insuring weight,
it just makes me goddamn sick.


Something about this just sounds odd. Like this shouldn’t be the end, yet it’s the end. I think it’s missing something just before this but it shouldn’t take much work to flesh it out. If you want of course.

Otherwise, I think you’ve got a poem with a powerful meaning here. Good job and good luck!

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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I LOVE the whole idea behind this, and for the most part it's really creative and open and emotional, which is good. The only part that really bothered me was the end...it felt like it should have ended on another note. Still, some of the lines really struck the right chord and I thought this was an insanely creative poem.
Keep writing,
~StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket



But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore