That FALL Day Chapter 1

"Fay get up now!"


Oh great the lovely voice of my mother, sheesh who need an alarm clock. Today is Saturday, why the hell am I waking up at 8 am? Oh yeah mom's cooking a dinner for the neighbor's, since their son is returning. Huh I went to summer camp for 2 months I didn't get no dinner, only thing I got was my mother telling me I finally looked presentable. I went to fat camp by the way I lost major weight , but yeah that's a story for another time. So 8 am for a dinner? Yeah I wonder if my mother is sane.



As I descended from the stairs in my spongebob pj's I see my folks everywhere all over the place. There is only 3 people coming so why are they fixing the place up so much? Beats me. All this just 'cause the neighbor's son is coming? What did he fin the cure for cancer? So he's returning big woop! I went straight for the couch and decided to watch some television to kill time.



~`:~:Time Skip:~;'~



It's 7:30pm he's arriving at 8pm , oh joy note my sarcasm.
My mom made me wear a stupid summer dress she got me two summers ago! Wouldn't have worn it had it not been for the fat camp, moving on.



"Fay quit slouching and put a smile on that face , I expect you to be on your best behavior,"
my mother tells me. Yeah sure mom , I tell myself when is she gonna stop treating me like a child?


I'm 19 years old for crying out loud an adult! Oh wow you hardly know anything about me! Well I'm an average joe nothing special here, I'm 5 feet 3 inches yes I know I'm pretty damn short , I have plain brown eyes , wavy brown hair , straight nose , heart shaped lips , and lightly tanned skin. Yup I'm the crème of the crop…not.


"Oh Fay you look absolutely gorgeous, I can't wait for you to meet my James, I hope the two of you to be great friends."


"Why thank you Mrs. Alden and I hope us to be friends as well." I say with my cheekiest grin.
Yeah sure Mrs. Alden it's your stupid James fault I'm wearing this stupid dress at this stupid dinner, oh I hope us to be bff's…not.

The clock strikes 8 pm, I see lights from outside wow talk about punctual.


"Straighten up Fay and smile I want you to be nice to this boy," my mother commands in her Hitler voice, yeah you see in my house it's a dictatorship and my mother is Hitler.

"Yes mother," I respond flatly.
For some reason my heart began to speed up a little.

The door opens and in walks Mr. Alden, and that's when I saw him.
Him, James, their son, the reason I was forced to wear a ridiculous dress! He was….the biggest …looking Dork ever!!

As I got a better look of him when he stepped in he was wearing a blue Polo shirt and some dark wash jeans with some biker boots on.
Interesting style he was probably 6 feet 2 inches pretty tall, at first glance he looked pretty lanky but I could see some biceps peeking out from under his shirt so he was toned. What added to his nerd image were the pretty thick glasses on his face.


"Ah you must be James! I'm Mrs. Winters so nice to meet you," my mother cheered.

"Why hello there Mrs. Winters, yes I am James Alden a pleasure to meet you," he says while
taking her hand and kissing it lightly. Oooh what a gentlemen …not.

"Such a gentlemen, what a handsome young man you are." Ok don't forget your married mom, wow one kiss on her hand and she's already swooning.

"Oh and this is my daughter Fayne." Cringe! I hate my full name! as I reach my hand I say

"Please call me Fay."
He grabs my hand oh god please don't kiss it!

"Fay it is," he say while indeed kissing my hand gently. That moment he looked up from kissing my hand he looked up our eyes met , and behind those mildly thick glasses were the kindest most gentle looking hazel eyes. As I got a closer look at his face he wasn't all that bad looking, he's kind of cute and muscely….No bad Fay don't think like that. I snap out of my reverie and say

"Yeah thanks." Yup I'm a woman of few words.



We sat ourselves at the dinner table my mother made her famous lasagna. So the adults were chatting away I was minding my own business when boom! "OOOOH!" I howl, everyone stops to look at me. So I quickly try to cover up by saying "OOOH yeah this lasagna is good!" My mother gives me a look as if saying behave. While my father ignored me and the Alden's just quickly looked away.
I looked to my left to look at the culprit who had kicked me quite harshly in my shin.

"Yes," I asked.
James looked beet red! He looked so I don't know embarrassed?

"Oh man I'm-I'm sorry! I-I uh didn't mean to kick you so roughly um, I just wanted to get your attention…." He explained while stuttering a couple of times. He looked kind of cute when he was all nervous like that.

"Yeah it's ok, just don't uh kick me, you could have tapped my shoulder or threw a piece of bread at me." I responded politely. He remained quiet for a few seconds and nodded then looked away.

"So what did you want?" I broke the silence.

"Oh um I just wanted to talk it was getting on my nerves that you were ignoring me." He said nonchalantly. Woah! Woah ! ignoring him? Who's ignoring?

"Uh James I wasn't ignoring you, I'm sorry if that's what you thought." I told him nicely. He surprised me with what he said next.

"Oh please, I know what you think of me , why even bother talking to the nerd dork with thick glasses , I'm probably into star wars and what not, but you know I'm a person just in case you forgot and I hate star wars."

After laying that on me he excused himself from dinner to supposedly finish unpacking. I just sat there dumbstruck , what a jerk!

I mean where does he get off telling me what I think?! He doesn't know me. Although that little speech he gave me makes me think maybe he feels stereotyped? Like people judge him too quicky? But he like judged me just now!
Ugh! I would be his friend but I mean come on, first he kicks me , then he goes off telling me saying I'm all thinking high and mighty of myself not his exact words but I read between the lines .Well that's all going to have to change.

hey cindy92,

I'm not going to be focusing much on the nitpiks as I am for the storyline. It was a little too fast for me. I wouldve have liked you to build up to the dinner. And take that opportunity to "show, not tell" how Fay's mother deserves to be called Hitler. I didnt think much of the inputs of Fay's thoughts in the beginning but then they began to get a bit annoying. You can show other ways of Fay's annoyance rather than embedding as you did. It seemed pretty cliche to me that Fay was starting to have thoughts about liking James, but then again its not necessarily a bad thing.

okay, Im done. I hope I was somewhat helpful.

-plennsterr

Hi! I'm Hawkie and I'll be your reviewer today.

This needs some work. I think it has potential (everything does), but yeah, you need to fix it up quite a lot. Run it through a grammar check. Also, you switch between past and present tense a lot. For example, in the first paragraph, you use present tense verbs. ("Is," "am," "wonder," etc. etc). In the very next paragraph, you switch to past tense verbs. ("Descended," "went," "decided.") Pick one tense and stick with it.

Your MC is kinda annoying. Is she really nineteen? She sounds like a whiny preteen. I know some nineteen-year-olds are like that, but I don't really want to read about them. Most of the time, readers want a character they can enjoy reading about.

On the positive side, I think it's cute how she's falling for James, and the whole kicking scene was funny.

Keep writing!

-Hawkie-

Greetings, Cindy.

I have to admit, I didn't read the entire story. Your story does have potential from what I did read, but you have a lot that can be improved.

1. Spelling and Grammar. You have a lot of spelling errors that could be fixed as well as lack of grammar. Sure, you have stuff like periods, but hardly any commas and semi-colons and such. You could fix most of this by using a spelling and grammar check and taking your time to go through your story.

2. The main character's thoughts blend right into the story which can make it really confusing. Maybe make them in italics or something, like the example below.

And then my mom went off and did such and such.

Oh look, here are my thoughts.

I thought, (insert action here, like 'shrugging' or 'walking away').

--

3. I think you need to try a little harder to get into the mind of this character and think about how she would actually react to what is happening around her, because from what I saw, I don't think most people would act like that.

I suggest you revise your story by doing those three things for now and them maybe repost it, and it'll be much improved and we'll be able to focus on the story and plot more than the spelling and grammar and such.

Good luck.

~Heather

Hi! I'm Kelly and I'll be your reviewer today!!!!

I like her general attitude towards the world, but she doesn't seem nineteen. She sounds maybe 15, tops.
The way you present her attitude is pretty exausting to read. She just says, yeah and this is my life. Ask any English teacher and they'll cal it show, don't tell.
"He was….the biggest …looking Dork ever!!" For one, in a story,exclamation marks are bad and should be used sparingly. In writing, unless you are making a flier or writing an email, exclamation marks are solo. solo! Not twins!! It throws everything in crazy places!!! Also. the elipses... are very... boring. I have a lot of trouble with ellipses to, because they're easy to use. Commas can be just as good (and far better) if you can use them right. How about, He was, without a doubt, the biggest, most _____, dork ever. No ellipses, but just as climactic and not very... pause-filled.
"Ok don't forget your married mom, wow one kiss on her hand and she's already swooning." This voice annoys me. She sounds like an annoying girl who whines. And she talks like this the entire time? Give her a little more emotion- this sounds like a facebook post.
"No bad Fay don't think like that." Another case for commas. Commas are the miracle drug- they fix (almost) everything. No, bad Fay, don't thing like that.
"Oh please, I know what you think of me , why even bother talking to the nerd dork with thick glasses , I'm probably into star wars and what not, but you know I'm a person just in case you forgot and I hate star wars." A person would never say that to a person you've met just a few minutes earlier, unless you establish that he has a rather outgoing personality. But also, it's one example on how pretty much most of your dialouge seems forced.
I like how you talk about Fay's past- background = good.

Your story might benefit from becoming a third-person story. I do like your plot, and I like most of your characters so far, and I'm sorry for all the nitpicks. =]