Sparkling Embers.

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The telephone sat atop a spindly side table, silent. A silver button, the "dial" button, glinted in the light cast by a nearby lamp, as if it was winking at me, smirking at me, tormenting me. I looked away and instead gazed into the glass of the fire place. It was edged with a smokey black, and the smoldering orange within was blurred by it, lost in translation. Soon the flames would fall into a slumber, and the embers would nestle themselves into the bed of ash, deprived of oxygen. I sunk into the cushions, and pulled my blanket over me. My eyelids began to droop. He crossed my mind a few times.

Then my eyes flicked open, and observed the phone. He usually called every night. Although that wasn't true as of late. The past three nights, I hadn't heard a single thing from him. Worry tied my stomach in knots, tugging at the strings. It was almost as if I could feel the tangles within me. What had happened to him?

My heart leapt from my chest; suddenly the phone was back in action again, ringing loudly and calling for me to answer. I jumped up from my place, the weight lifted off my shoulders.

"Hello?"

Wrong number. I sighed heavily, placing the handset down on its stand. I traced my fingers over the smooth, silver buttons, each bearing their own number and selection of letters. Call him. No, I couldn't. I was bursting to though. Every ounce of my being wished to hear his voice again. A soft, well-spoken voice with deep undertones.

"This is ridiculous," I muttered, picking up the handset once again, and giving in. I dialed his number one digit at a time. This was the eleventh time since Thursday, when he'd stopped contacting me. It had been seventy-two hours of emptiness... ironic, really, considering how full to the brim of stress and tears it had been. I felt dreadful, after our fight. I pushed dial, and waited patiently for the tone. His mother answered. She had a gentle, summery sort of voice. She was sweet and colourful. But she didn't know where he was. I could sense her own worry, laced in whispers between her words. He had left, she said, earlier that day, but had otherwise kept to his room. I sighed disappointedly. Just as the phone clicked back on its stand, I heard the front door open, close, and I rushed to see who it was. For a moment, I wanted to cry. For a moment, I wanted to laugh and smile and feel relieved. For a moment, I just stared shocked at him as he stood there in the dim hallway, in his drenched clothes from the persistent rain outside.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "Really, I'm sorry."

"You haven't been answering my-"

"I'm sorry. I couldn't bare to hear or see you hurt again. I hid from it."

The rain battered the world outside, and we stood in the darkness. The sparkling embers became muffled by a cloak of ash. The knots unwound themselves, and at last I could breathe again.

The End.




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Why hello there! Welcome to YWS! This is my first critique of a romance btw, so I'm no means an expert... onwards then :D

The telephone sat atop a spindly side table, silent. A silver button, the "dial" button, glinted in the light cast by a nearby lamp, as if it was winking at me, smirking at me, tormenting me.
Maybe this could be split into two, but it works as it is just fine. Just a thought

lost in translation.
Perhaps a little unclear what you're implying here. It sounds nice, but perhaps say what is lost in translation. "The heat lost..." or "The fire lost..." or something.

My eyelids began to droop. He crossed my mind a few times.
I like this, it helps the paragraphs flow very smoothly.

Then my eyes flicked open, and observed the phone.
perhaps a little sudden straight after the sleepy ending of the last paragraph, bu that could be what you're intending; a sudden shock.

He usually called every night. Although that wasn't true as of late.
maybe combined these two, cause like that they seem to conflict.

Every ounce of my being wished to hear his voice again. A soft, well-spoken voice with deep undertones.
I really like how you foreshadow how he sounds. It makes the ending so much smoother (and pewdy)



The rain battered the world outside
did we know it was raining before this point? Could maybe be instigated earlier. Like "Silence, save the incessant rain," or something

The sparkling embers became muffled by a cloak of ash. The knots unwound themselves, and at last I could breathe again.
Your use of metaphors is really well-executed, i like them a lot.


Hope you I was helpful!

Ratdragoon, away!




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Hey there!

I must say, WOW! That was great. I loved the sentence when you said, "It had been seventy-two hours of emptiness... ironic, really, considering how full to the brim of stress and tears it had been." That hit home for me.

I suggest adding some more information about the fight your character had with her boyfriend. You mentioned it very cryptically, and that made me wonder what had happened.

Overall, it was great. Keep writing! I look forward to reading some more of your work.

-youreit
I smile, because I'd rather have laugh lines than a perma frown. :)




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hey

I loved how you repeated, 'for a moment' it really built up the conflicting feelings of the narrator, maybe you could build up the tension a bit more before the wrong number phone call and talk more about the dissapointment afterwards to emphasise ow important the real phone call would be.

overall a good romance :)




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Very interesting. You have a really awesome tone and style. Some of the lines were so beautiful, like
She had a gentle, summery sort of voice. She was sweet and colourful.
That is beautiful. I could imagine what she was like, and it was just worded wonderfully. I love that line so much. The whole things was filled with really great writing.

The only thing that could've been better is that we really don't understand the situation at all. I know that it's kind of short, and we don't really need to know about what happened, but it would make a lot more sense, and make the reader care about the characters more if we knew a little more about their backgrounds.

But you are a really talented writer, so awesome job. :)
... :D ...
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Stunning vocabulary. I just loved it. Keep writing
Georgie
x
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M




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KailaMarie wrote:The only thing that could've been better is that we really don't understand the situation at all. I know that it's kind of short, and we don't really need to know about what happened, but it would make a lot more sense, and make the reader care about the characters more if we knew a little more about their backgrounds.

youreit wrote:I suggest adding some more information about the fight your character had with her boyfriend. You mentioned it very cryptically, and that made me wonder what had happened.

I definitely see what both of you are saying. To be completely honest, I had no idea what sort of fight they should have had. I did consider including an explanation of the argument, but found that this stole from the moment I was really writing about. I would've liked to have added more detail regarding that.
ilovemyboys wrote:Stunning vocabulary.

Thank you! Reading this comment has made my day.




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Hello there, kukukt007!

I really enjoyed this story. Most romance stories I find here normally have a not-so-good plot, character or the spelling and grammar is horrible. But with this story, your plot was nice and your spelling and grammar was fantastic, and your character seemed realistic. Besides the things the others have already mentioned, I think this story is wonderful and I don't really have any ideas as to what to change. =]

Good luck with your writing and let me know if you ever need any help with anything or any critiques. =D

Have a nice night/day!

~Heather
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard appears "We have weasels now!"
[Firearris] 10:45 pm: askes the guard for the weasel!
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard gives Firearris the Weasel.
[Firearris] 10:46 pm: aquires the weasel and renames it "Cat"

Take that, Lumi.



Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire