That FALL Day Chapter 2

James POV

When I turned 20 I promised my parents I would go back home, after living with my grandparents for 10 years, yeah it's been a while. It felt weird to leave a place you knew so well and got so use to.

I walked to the living room where my grandparents were lounging. My grandpa was reading a fishing book you could hardly see his face since he had his huge glasses covering half of it, yup I have semi thick big glasses, thanks grandpa for passing me your good genes I'm almost fully blind. Yes how I have so much to thank this man. I look to the small couch and see my grandma, my heart, she was knitting me a sweater with love in every stitch, yes I like Spongebob sue me.

I cleared my throat in attempts to get their attention. Nothing happened so I cleared it once more. Again nothing so I cleared it once more so hard that I ended up coughing. That go their attention.

"Well son your ready to depart?" my grandpa asked.

"Yeah grandpa," I responded then paused before saying

"I'm going to miss you guys, make sure to call me when you catch flipper." I finished and he chuckled.

Teary eyed he got up and gave me a 'manly' strong hug. I saw a few tears fall, then I turned to my grandma she stood as well and handed me the sweater.

"It's done my boy, I hope it to keep you warm over there, I hear it gets cold during fall in California." she said teary eyed, oh gosh these folks were going kill me.

My grandma was my heart , I'm leaving behind the women who always cared for me. The one who held me while I cried because the snotty kids didn't like me, and would always make fun of me.

"Yes thank you so much grandma, I will wear it everyday of winter," I said while kissing her lightly on her wrinkled paled cheek. We had one last group hug and none of us could hold it all three of us began crying.

I got in my car and began driving away, I waved one last time, and I heard them yell at the top of their lungs,

"Till next time James, we love you!!!!!."

I wiped my eyes, I had to suck it up, ok so I admit I was a grandma's boy but who isn't? Ok maybe there are guys my age that are not ,but were focusing on me damn it! Ahem, sorry lost my temper there.

The drive from Arizona to California is about 4-6 hours, so I bumped my favorite band: The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and sang along to the lyrics of my favorite song….Dosed.


`~:`. Time Skip,`:~`


My parents had told me their neighbors also known as best friends were cooking a welcoming dinner for me. My parents were dying for me to meet John and Jane Winters. Corny names I know, would have been cooler if their last name were Doe. Oh and also their oh so gorgeous daughter, my mothers words not mine, Fayne. She's a year younger then me, dropped out of college, was and honors student in high school, listens to music really loud…etc yeah my mom did a whole background check.


I just hope she's not snobby or stuck up, then again what do I know I was never liked by kids my own age. They would either ignore me or automatically call me a dork, nerd, loser, tool, and any other name out there. I always defended myself but once I got home that's when I would break down, well I'm not made of stone. Who knows in the end she may be nice.


I pulled up to the house at 8pm sharp, my parents would freak if I was one minute late, yeah they are weird like that. I saw my dad walking out of what I guess was our house. I got out of the car and he hugged me right away, with great force I may add. He was a big guy 6'5 bulky and buff ,yeah he was pretty damn scary.

"Oh my boy it's so good to have you home!" he said in his deep husky voice, while practically suffocating the life out of my 6'2 frame. Don't get me wrong I don't look like no lanky fool, I got some muscel on me just not Hulk Hogan worthy.

"Yes it's good to be back dad." I replied.

"Well then let's go introduce you to the neighbor's." he said while slapping my back pretty roughly almost causing me to fall.
He lead me down the drive way across the street to a two story house. It was white with blue shutters and a very pretty garden in the front. My dad walked in and I walked in after him. This lady around her late thirties came rushing to me.

"Ah you must be James, I'm Mr. Winters so nice to meet you," she said.

"Why hello there Mrs. Winters yes I'm James Alden a pleasure to meet you," I said in my husky voice while kissing her hand gently. Yeah real smooth James.

"Such a gentlemen, and this is my daughter Fayne," she said.
That's when I saw this small petite adorable looking girl walk from behind Mrs. Winters. She was so cute with her big warm brown eyes that held innocence, and her luscious pink heart shaped lips.

"Please call me Fay." She spoke in the most delicate soft but loud enough to hear voice.

"Fay it is," I responded while kissing her hand ever so gently, and looking in her eyes. I must have appeared suave but right now I feel like the biggest nerd , or I must look it.

Her mother cut in by saying the lasagna was done, I said a quick hello to my mom kissed her on her cheek and she the same. Now dinner was let's say eventful, I sort of lost it with Fay. I figured she was avoiding me throughout the whole dinner which peeved me.

So I lightly well I though lightly , kicked her in her leg which caused her to howl. I felt so embarassed and disgusted in myself! I would never hurt a woman. So when she looked at me she had the cutest expression it looked something between a glare and as if she were constipated. I quickly apologized and looked away. I noticed I stuttered throughout my apology which probably made me look like a bigger dork.

She said it was fine, and asked what I wanted, then I remembered the whole ignoring me thing. I don't know what got into me I went into defense mode and snapped at her. After this little speech

I gave her I excused myself quickly, not only because I was upset but also embarrassed. Not only had I snapped at her but I also kicked her, I must look like a real douche right now. I feel bad I snapped at her, she didn't seem at all snobby or call me a name when I 'defended' myself. Maybe she was just shy? But how can a pretty girl like that be shy?
Well I have to apologize….make it up to her. But how?

Okay, so I don't have much time to do a full scale review sadly, but I'll highlight it. Your spelling and grammar were a bit off most of the time, so it made it harder to follow the story. I also feel that you rushed through important dialogue, which made it lose its believability factor, which is especially important when writing this kind of genre of novel. Always review your work before you publish it, so you can make sure to correct any mistakes. Like, the last two paragraphs were kind of confusing by the way you set it up. But I do like the story, and I hope there's more to come!

Hello there, Cindy!

Here to you-know-it.

Comments, suggestions, corrections are in RED.

James POV

When I turned twenty, I promised my parents I would go back home, after living with my grandparents for 10 years, yeah it's been a while. This starting line is a little bit long, try cutting off this sentence into fewer words. It felt weird to leave a place you knew so well and got so use to.

I walked to the living room where my grandparents were lounging. My grandpa was reading a fishing book, you could hardly see his face since he had his huge glasses covering half of it, Try to end this and make another sentence yup I have semi thick big glasses, thanks grandpa for passing me your good genes, I'm almost fully blind. Yes, how I have so much to thank this man. I looked to the small couch and see my grandma, my heart, she was knitting me a sweater with love in every stitch, yes I like Spongebob sue me. You are saying here about your heart, your grandma knitting sweater then comes Spongebob. It's kind of confusing. You might want to rephrase this one and be more specific on what you're trying to articulate.

I cleared my throat in attempts to get their attention. Nothing happened so I cleared it once more. And again nothing, so I cleared it once more so hard that I ended up coughing. That go their attention. lol

"Well son, you're ready to depart?" my grandpa asked.

"Yeah grandpa," I responded then paused before saying ---??

"I'm going to miss you guys, make sure to call me when you catch flipper." I finished and he chuckled.

Teary eyed he got up and gave me a 'manly' strong hug. I saw a few tears fall, then I turned to my grandma, she stood as well and handed me the sweater.

"It's done my boy, I hope it to keep you warm over there, I hear it gets cold during fall in California." she said teary eyed, oh gosh these folks were going kill me. Ohh, try using another words instead of 'tears' or 'teary'.

My grandma was my heart, I'm leaving behind the women who always cared for me. The one who held me while I cried because the snotty kids didn't like me, and would always make fun of me. Aww... nice

"Yes thank you so much grandma, I will wear it everyday of winter not during fall?," I said while kissing her lightly on her wrinkled paled cheek. We had one last group hug and none of us could hold it all three of us began crying.

I got in my car and began driving away, I waved one last time, and I heard them yell at the top of their lungs, "Till next time James, we love you!!!!!."

I wiped my eyes, I had to suck it up, ok so I admit I was a grandma's boy but who isn't? Ok, maybe there are guys my age that are not(delete space here) ,(space here)but were focusing on me damn it! Ahem, sorry lost my temper there.

The drive from Arizona to California was about four to six hours, so I bumped my favorite band: The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and sang along to the lyrics of my favorite song; Dosed.

My parents had told me their neighbors, also known as best friends, You can just actually tell us like this: My parents' bestfriends were cooking a welcoming dinner for me. My parents were dying for me to meet John and Jane Winters. Corny names I know, would have been cooler if their last name were Doe. Oh and also their oh-so-gorgeous daughter, my mothers words not mine, Fayne. She's a year younger then me, dropped out of college, was an honor student, listens to music really loud and etc. Yeah, my mom did a whole background check.


I just hoped she was not snobby or stuck up, then again what do I know, I was never liked by kids my own age. They would either ignore me or automatically call me a dork, nerd, loser, tool, and any other name out there. I always defended myself but once I got home that's when I would break down, well I'm not made of stone. Who knows in the end, she may be nice.


I pulled up to the house at 8pm sharp, my parents would freak out if I was one minute late, yeah, they are weird like that. I saw my dad walking out of what I guess, was our house. I got out of the car and he hugged me right away, with great force I may add. He was a big guy 6'5 bulky and buff(delete space) ,(add space)yeah he was pretty damn scary.

"Oh my boy it's so good to have you home!" he said in his deep husky voice, while practically suffocating the life out of my 6'2 frame. Don't get me wrong I don't look like no lanky fool, I got some muscle on me, just not Hulk Hogan worthy.

"Yes it's good to be back dad." I replied.

"Well then let's go introduce you to the neighbors." he said while slapping my back pretty roughly almost causing me to fall. lol
He lead me down the drive way across the street to a two story house. It was white with blue shutters and a very pretty garden in the front. My dad walked in and I walked in after him. Can you just simply state here that 'you walked in after him?' Repetition sounds annying. This lady around her late thirties came rushing to me. What about her mother?

"Ah you must be James, I'm Mr. Winters so nice to meet you," she said.

"Why hello there Mrs. Winters, yes I'm James Alden, a pleasure to meet you," I said in my husky- sounds like his father voice while kissing her hand gently. Yeah real smooth James.

"Such a gentlemen, and this is my daughter Fayne," she said.
That's when I saw this small petite adorable looking girl walked from behind Mrs. Winters. She was so cute with her big warm brown eyes that held innocence, and her luscious pink heart shaped lips. Nice description.

"Please call me Fay." She spoke in the most delicate soft but loud enough to hear voice.

"Fay it is," I responded while kissing her hand ever so gently, and looking in her eyes. I must have appeared suave but right now I feel like the biggest nerd , (unnecessary comma) or I must look it.

Her mother cut in by saying the lasagna was done, I said a quick hello to my mom, kissed her on her cheek and she did the same. Now dinner was let's say eventful, I sort of lost it with Fay. I figured she was avoiding me throughout the whole dinner which peeved me.

So I lightly well I though lightly please rephrase this , kicked her in her leg which caused her to howl. I felt so embarrassed and disgusted in myself! I would never hurt a woman. So when she looked at me she had the cutest expression it looked something between a glare and as if she were constipated. I quickly apologized and looked away. I noticed I stuttered throughout my apology which probably made me look like a bigger dork.

She said it was fine, and asked what I wanted, then I remembered the whole ignoring me thing. I don't know what got into me I went into defense mode and snapped at her. After this little speech---??

I gave her I excused myself quickly, Confusing not only because I was upset but also embarrassed. Not only had I snapped at her but I also kicked her, I must look like a real douche right now. I feel bad I snapped at her, she didn't seem at all snobby or call me a name when I 'defended' myself. Maybe she was just shy? But how can a pretty girl like that be shy?
Well I have to apologize….(unnecessary period)make it up to her. But how?

First off, there were a lot of grammatical errors in here. Honestly, I too have problems with grammar. Don't worry, there are helpful threads here in YWS that you could find. So try to check out every forums and sections here. Some sentences were kind of lost and didn't make sense when I read it. So try to re-read those things and edit those up a bit. As with your punctuations, I could see that your struggling with it. Commas are very important in your plot, it was one of the mistakes I kept and tried correcting on. You provided less of commas and so the flow of the story was a little bit destroyed because of that. Also there were some long sentences, so if possible, try to break it up into two or in fewer words. You made things long so it becomes complicated. You're good at spellings but there were just some words that I could really see you're confused with. In addition, it would be proper to read numbers, in a word form like : Instead of 20, write 'twenty', so on and so forth.

Characters: You're MC looked believable and so with his grandparents and parents. I liked how you portray your MC's father, I really laughed in the middle part of the story because of him. As with Fayne, you need to develop or tell us why she's acting shy, something like that. Also, you can slightly tell us where are his grandparents.

Flow: You kind of rushed up everything especially when 'dinner' started in the plot. Try to make it slower and be more informative, so it would looked believable or realistic. You skipped things, that's why. You seemed to write the point or the going-to-climax scene of your story. Maybe just because you want the boy to be interested in love already. Also, your tenses appeared to be jumping off from one another. Try sticking to one tense only.

Overall, this is good and you have the potential to this story. Though you just need to proof read this or edit things which ruins a bit of your story.
PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri