Paralysed

The light is too bright.
I came here first years ago, when my limbs were still mine to command. I came to see my grandmother the day before she died. She was lying on her back, staring up at the ceiling, the only sign of life the dull beep from the monitor. I remember seeing her, and promising myself I'd never let myself become like that, just living, with no use. I broke that promise long ago.
I feel like a product. Lying in a box.
Lydia Kessle, age 21
Feed every day and supply with clean water.
A paralytic is for life, not just for christmas.
The light is too bright. I wish someone would turn it off.
Sometimes I think God decided I was going too fast, and clicked pause on my remote. I was the best in the class. At six I had an IQ equivalent to the average fourteen year old. I was a child genius. I was about to take my A levels when God decided I needed to slow down. And what bothers me most is that if my theory is true, then he didn't even ask me to see what I thought about it.
The light is way too bright. I wish I could ask somebody to turn it off.
I can't speak to anybody. I can't tell anybody what I think. My boyfriend proposed to me, and I couldn't even tell him I loved him more than anything and of course I'd marry him.
The light is too bright, but I prefer it to the night.
The night is when my whole life comes back to me. All I had. Everything I'll never have again, and everything I never appreciated.
I'm having an operation tomorrow. They're taking out the front lobe of my brain, or something like that. It'll make me like a vegetable, and I can't even scream at them not to do it, that my mind is the one thing I have left and beg them not to take that away as well.
The light is too bright, but tomorrow I won't care.

This is something I threw together quickly. I know that it could count as a short story, but it in't really a short story. It's just text. Feel free to point out any medical mistakes I've made.

Hi there!

This is a pretty hard topic to write about, and I think you've actually done it extremely well. What I do love is that it's very simple. You haven't really tried to dress it up much. Although I generally find myself reviewing and telling people to add in more imagery or describe something more, the simplicity really works here. The gravity of the situation and story is such that imagery isn't really needed, and would actually detract from the emotion you get here.

Just a note: I'm not saying that you haven't made this great - you have - or that little imagery equals little effort. For me, it takes a lot of effort to cut down on description.

On the other hand, one part that really interested me was the part about night time.

The night is when my whole life comes back to me. All I had. Everything I'll never have again, and everything I never appreciated.

I don't really want to know about what she didn't appreciate. In these stories, that always seems to be talked about, and frankly it holds more weight as it is. However, I would like to know what it is about the night that makes that come back to here.

So, that's all I really have to say about this. It's very well done. Nice job!

-Amy

Hello! I think this a really nice start to a piece because you could bring so much fear and emotion into it. To really make it rise to its full potential, however, I think you'll need to take a look at pacing. If you want to make more of this, you'll need to write a little more to it.

Right now, it moves from different opinions of the light really quickly and we get only a glimpse of the main character's past life. When she talks about her boyfriend proposing, I'm not sure if that is after she's paralyzed or before, and if it's after, she might want to go through the whole scene in her head and show her boyfriend's motivation and his reaction and how he spoke to her, WHY he's proposing to her now. If it's before, she can still remember the whole scene and perhaps talk about what's changed since then.

I agree with AquaMarine that I want to know what she didn't appreciate. Did she have a little brother she never really played with? Did she start a project she procrastinated on and never got to finish? Did she make a card for her dying grandmother and never find the time to send it out? So much regret can be coursing through her that I feel it's hard to come to acceptance without working through it.

So she won't care tomorrow, but isn't she scared to death that they're taking her away without her permission? How does she feel about her parents or whoever is making that decision? Does she know why? Have they discussed it in front of her? Is she uncomfortable when she sees her parents cry?

If you delve a little more into this character I think that this could become something truly moving. The idea of a lobotomy is sort of odd because I imagined this is present time, specifically because of the word 'boyfriend', but you might want to research different treatments for paralysis to make it more medically accurate.

This is a really nice piece and you should give it just a little more care to let it blossom into something full and beautiful! PM me if you have any questions, okay? ^_^

-Hannah-