ope, jk

like a still-born babe in a mother's arms,
my love for you choked before it really begun.

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and edited...

like a still-born babe in it's mother's arms,
my love for you dead before it really began.

I don't get it write more

Hi!

First an foremost... What are you wanting to achieve with your poem? I feel you have the makings of a beginning but are lacking the middle and the end. Once you have a direction in mind, just let the words flow out of you and then concentrate on editing afterward. It is important to not get into the editing stage early on because it disrupts your creative flow.

As for the two lines you have already written, I am not feeling solid connection. After reading it through a couple times, I have decided that the end of the second line was what was throwing me off (specifically: "choked"). Perhaps instead of saying "my love for you choked before it really begun" I would rewrite it and use the terms "broken" or "lost". Both words are used frequently and have become slightly cliche, but they are just examples.

There is not too much more I can really add on at this point as I have only glimpsed the beginnings of your poem, but I am eager to read more! Do keep writing !

Cheers,
Lindsey

Expand on the stillborn idea, don't just use it as an analogy, use it as the situation.

i like it so much. It shows how sometimes, no matter what you do, you cannnot make someone love you.

To make this longer, you could say something like
a candle burning all night long
wick snuffed b4 i arrived

that would be nice sounding to continue a full & long poem.

thanks guys!
dasiamari: i apologize, because i like to write short and to the point poems sometimes, but if you didnt understand then i didn't write it correctly. i can tell you what i meant to say. what i was getting at was that i didnt get the chance to love someone because the opportunity died before it was even born, if that makes sense. hence the referal to stillborns. because while a mother can love her baby in the womb, she'll never really get a chance to fully love her baby until it's born, and if the baby is still born, she'll never get that chance. is that a little clearer?

misslindseyk: i understand what you mean about the direction, but i think i actually wanted it to cut short, i know that's the feel you got from this. as for the connection, you're definatley right, a stillborn isn't choked, so i need a different way to say what i meant, i'll work on it, thanks for pointing that out!

FLyersS: hey there! i see where you're coming from, but i want to keep this poem as short as possible, half because of laziness and half because i just like it super short almost to the point of choppiness.

EmiAnne: thankyou! lol i honestly hadn't even thought of that when i wrote it; i was so focused on the rejection part and didn't even think of that but you're so right!