Elizabeth

***Sorry if it kinda sucks, I wrote it up real quick.


A man went to the house last night
To fix the broken pipe,
Along with all the other things
That made the woman gripe.
But while he was there
The strangest things
Began to take their place.
For when he turned the corner he saw
A girl descend the staircase.
“I saw a girl,” he told the woman,
Who was waiting in the shed.
“Impossible,” the woman argued.
“Five years my daughter’s been dead.”
Yet when they walked into the house
There stood the little girl
With her addictive smile and glowing eyes
And earrings made of pearl.
“Elizabeth,” the woman gasped. “Why are you still here?”
Elizabeth said patiently,
“I’m afraid that it’s not clear.”
The woman paced with tear-filled eyes saying
“No, you cannot stay.
Go up to live in Heaven
Where all the angels play.”
Elizabeth just shook her head saying
“I’ve already been there.
But Momma Heaven’s not home to me
If I won’t have you around to care.”
The woman just stood speechless
While the man ran out the door.
“Ridiculous,” the woman said.
“Up there is so much more.”
Elizabeth nodded as to agree,
But sat as still as fallen snow.
“Momma, you’re my angel you see
So I’ll wait for you to go.”
So in the house she waited for
Her mother’s time to come.
And when the woman’s heart lost
Its sound of a steady drum,
They both held hands and walked
Into a path of beaming light.
“Don’t worry Momma,”
Elizabeth said.
“It all turns out alright.”

Hi,

I really enjoyed this, it's a great story, very well told and the form compliments it. I love "still as fallen snow" and the ending is brilliant-not at all what I expected.

I'd read this aloud so you can get a better sense of the sound, as it's bumpy in parts, for example, "Began to turn the corner he saw
A girl descend the staircase."
I'd also try to make each line have a similar number of syllables. I'd also add something at this part to show the reader why the man was alarmed by the girl and why the woman knew instantly that it was her dead daughter-have her look ghostly or dead and have him describe her to the woman. Maybe add at the start that the woman lives alone so the reader is more shocked by the appearance of the girl.

I'd keep the rhyme scheme consistent throughout, for example abcb like you have at the start.

I'd also avoid twisting syntax as it sounds unnatural, for example "Earrings made of pearl" should be "pearl earrings". To fit the rhyme maybe try something like, "She wore a string of pearls."

A very enjoyable read.

Hope this helps,
Jas

Hi there. Thought I would stop by and give this a review.

So, you've got a pretty nice story going here. I can follow it very well and you don't really make things hard to understand at all. But, I have to raise an issue with that, actually. I know it sounds crazy, but I think this is both too wordy and too simple. You use a lot of words to say something really mundane. My advice to you is to try to spice this up with some symbolism or allusion, to make it a tad more interesting. It's really close to being very good. It just needs that little extra something, and in my opinion some symbolism or something similar might just be that.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hello there (:
Well, to start off, this was a very nice poem with a good story. It was pretty easy to follow along. A few pointers though will be to make each line the same or close to the same length. It makes the flow nicer. Also, I agree with the reviewer above me about adding some symbolism and allusions. Although, you do have some great lines, like "still as fallen snow". Add more of those kinds of lines, and you will have a even better poem. So keep up the good work. (: Good job.