Night in the City

On the sky, Night embraces the City in darkness.
Lights lit up, imitates the glowing of the stars.
Skyscrapers shine with the illumination of
Artificial halos by electricity,
Stood up against heaven.

Streaming in the streets – blood veins of the city, is
Flow of souls caught in the pulsation of nightlife.
Lost in mazes of thoughts, blinded with glares of neon,
A celestial beauty is hidden from those eyes:
The gentle Lunar’s light.
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My first poem ever submitted to YWS. Yay?

I wrote this after a night walk. Watching people walking pass me, their eyes fixed to their destination. No one ever think about stopping once, and look above them, to rediscover a treasure that they take for granted: the beautiful moon. No one cares about the moon anymore, sadly, after human landed on it, the moon have lost its novelty. But in my imagination, the moon is still very beautiful...

Sorry for ranting~ I think I am wrong, since as an ESL student, I have problem with syllables, but I tried to fit the stanzas into 4 lines of 12 syllables, and 1 line of 6 syllables.

And this poem have no rhymes at all.

Yayy!! Go first poem ever!!
I liked it, I'm always amazed at just how purely beautiful that lovely silver piece of rock in the sky is. ^_^
I enjoyed your rant too, just saying.
You should post some more stuffs!! Especially if it's as lovely as this first little bit.
=)
Sorry, I have no creative suggestions to offer whatsoever.

Anywho...

--Axelie

Lights lit up, imitates the glowing of the stars.

Tense shift. "Lit" should be "light". I suggest you find a synonym for one of the lights because it does sound awkward.

There were a lot of awkward phrasings in this. For example, in the first line, you have "On the sky". This isn't correct because "on" is used to refer to position relative to a surface. The sky is not a surface since it extends three-dimensionally in all directions, so you would use "in" instead. I understand that English is not your first language, so I suggest that you keep a dictionary on hand at all times, especially when you're using prepositions. There are a lot of free, online dictionaries that you can easily access, and they provide examples on how to use words and parts of speech properly.

Poems don't have to rhyme, so you're fine. I think, if you had tried to force this poem to rhyme, it would not have turned out well. So basically what I'm saying is the fact that this poem doesn't rhyme is a good thing.