Under a Bright Blue Sky

This is the first time I've ever written poetry, so I wanted to put it up here to see what people thought. Please, I'd love reviews. and if you want something reviewed, tell me!

She sits in the silence
Of fresh smelling grass
And vast blue skies.
As she looks at the polished rock
In front of her,
She sees through time.
On her desk sit pictures
Of smiling faces and shining eyes:
All lies.
No one else
Has ever seen the pain
Hidden deep in her eyes.
No one else has felt her pain
She sees a little girl of a few years back
Crumpled on the sidewalk
Alone in the rain
That night, she couldn’t stop the tears.
She sees her daddy
Kissing her cuts
To make them all better.
She sees her daddy
Holding her hand
On the first day of kindergarten
She sees her daddy standing in a rage
She feels the stinging blow
across one cheek
she feels the pain in her back
when she’s thrown into a wall.
She feels the tears
running down her face
As she’s picked up by her hair.
Now she sits on her knees
In the grass,
Wipes the leaves away
And speaks to the rock.
“How can I forgive,
If I can’t ever forget?”
She doesn’t know.
She doesn’t know.
She blinks away a tear,
Gets to her feet,
Touches the rock.
“I loved you
for who you were.”
She whispers.
“I hated you
for who you became.
I hated myself
For hating you,
For being weak.
I pitied you
For being weak,
For being hated.
And now…
I thank you.”
She bows her head,
Lets the tears fall.
“Because, Daddy,
You taught me
That strength is only
How well you hide pain.”
She walks away
Leaving the polished rock
With a name carved into it
All alone
In fresh grass
under a bright blue sky.

I loved this. It was really pretty and it flowed well. But you should go through and fix some punctuation and some parts that seem a little weird. Other than that Great Job! keep writing poetry your really good

Hey there Caitlin! Now looking at it at first seems pretty huge and kind of turned me off of reading it, but once I did it wasn't bad . I think though that it really belongs in Narrative since that's where the poems that tell stories go, and well hopefully you see where I'm going with this. But I'm not sure about poetry forums so if I'm wrong forgive me.

So, some parts of this poem you kind of lost me in, like when you started the "Talking to a rock" part. That confused me.

I realized what you meant before you finally revealed it at the end, but still. Also the way you just kept referring to it as "The rock" seems very unpoetic, and makes it lose the feel of the poem. But overall I thought it was pretty good, keep writing.

~Hope

Hey, honey. So here's my spiel. Feel free to PM or poke me if you have any questions or cannot read my handwriting.





1. Stanzas

I believe you poem would have much more emphasis on the read if you broke it up into stanzas.

2. Simplicity

I really like the simplicity of the word choice. It helps put the reader in the mind frame of a little girl.

Hope this helps.

Ta,
Cal.