Death Walked in the Door

Death walked in the door
And the bell rung with glee
His boots scuffed up the floor
And customers began to flee

“I am looking for a boy
Perhaps you know him, Sir”
His face was full of joy
But his words were just a blur

The Keeper shook his head
“There is no boy here”
Now wishing he had fled
And hidden from this fear

“You feel the need to lie
When it’s clear I am no fool
This child’s meant to die
But I will not be cruel

We can wager on his life
If that is what you want
My patience is rife
And a game is what I taunt

Here’s a game of chance and wit
A gamble, if you like”
Death’s eyes became lit
And the clock began to strike

The Keeper just gave a nod
And Death pulled out a coin
“Tell me, do you believe in God?
Because you may soon rejoin”

The Keeper stared at the wall
He did not see the fun
“Do you wish to make the call?
If only to save your son”

“Flip first, you demon wretch”
The Keeper boldly stated
Death’s lips began to stretch
Feeling quite sedated

The coin quickly left his hand
“Heads” The Keeper announced
His tone was rather bland
As the coin jumped and bounced

It settled on the floor
A face was clearly shown
The Keepers hopes began to soar
But Death didn’t groan

“Well selected, my good child
Consider that coin a gift”
The Keeper then smiled
Giving the coin a lift

Though, his heart became hollow
And his blood refused to flow
His throat couldn’t swallow
And his soul filled with woe

"The only present I can give
Is death for the mistreated
You took the prize and expected to live
Know I cannot be cheated”

Well first off Hello. I have to say I really liked this poem. It was different and intriguing.The tittle instantly caught my attention. I like the last stanza the best! The other ones just need a bit of polishing.You should explain the setting a little more.Also maybe if there was a little bit more drama, but all in all this was a really good poem.So please keep writing you are really talented!

Hey there!

I like the idea behind this poem, and the story's well-developed, I just think it needs a little work. Just think about tweaking it here and there to improve the rhythm and flow. like untalentedwriter said (what's with the login name? Don't say that about yourself!), the title was intriguing and the poem didn't disappoint. Nice job.

OK hi! first off, my name is Tabitha . Second, i absolutely love this poem! i agree with untalentedwriter, though, that it needs more drama. maybe use a different game for this poem besides just flipping a game. and don't be afraid to make this poem longer! fill it up with detail! you can never use to much! third, the title. its a little rough, but i like how it describes what is happening in the poem. that really drew my attention. another thing in rhyme. you use rhyme in just about every stanza, and that's really good, but i think that made making the poem a little harder while you were trying to find words to rhyme with others. but, all in all, i LOVE this poem. it reminds me of a poem by EDGAR ALLAN POE called THE RAVEN. have you ever read it? maybe you should. it will definitely help you when writing. here it the link for that poem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wj1DRQs9AQ i hope i helped!

Wow I really liked this! I liked how you didn't have punctuation it made it extra special and different. The only thing was I got a tiny bit confused on who was saying what, so I recomend that you try to ryme some words into there that tell us who is saying what. Above I loved it, it had a ryme to it that was mysterious and great. i REALLY ENJOYED READING! Thanks!

Like Snickerdooly I enjoyed it, and I thought the lack of punctuation helped accentuate what you were going for. But I think there are some lines you should maybe consider changing. I mean, most of them are fine but a few just didn't work for me. For instance:"And the bell rung with glee","Because you may soon rejoin", "He did not see the fun," "His tone was rather bland." The lines in my opinion either mess up the mood or flow.
Good luck.

hi. a really good poem. a really good story to go with it. straight away the reader is drawn in by the title you have chosen, and you executed the poem nicely too. there were some points where the rhyme scheme seemed a little bit forced, but it was nothing drastic. overall, a well done job and, maybe not the most origenal theme to choose, but nicely done and a strong, bold message at the end. well done!!

First off, a really great poem. I enjoyed it. It seems very similar to scene from No Country for Old Men, but with a twist. That also explains the lack of punctuation. The rhymes are a little strange in places, but it's no big deal, and where the rhymes do work they flow very well.

The only spot I had a real problem with was here:

Death’s lips began to stretch
Feeling quite sedated

It sounds like you mean his lips are sedated, which I don't get because the previous line implies to me that Death was smiling. You might want to clarify.

Other than that, awesome job!