My Beauty

My beauty

I’m staring into my big, big closet
Preparing to become the me I never met.
I'm unable to appear as who I want to be,
Am not allowed, to show the real me.

I pick a dress and I try it on,
A second later the dress is gone.
I pick a new one and try it too,
Seconds later, away it flew.

I walk to the mirror, looking at my face.
The beauty in it, I always chase.
But I can only see another mistake...
Drained in make-up, I’m just another fake.
Cover up everything, must be hidden.
Showing the real me, is forbidden.

I pick up my brush, try sorting out my hair,
How messy and tangled it is, is only fair...
Since it’s not actually mine.
No, it's just another fake sign.

I look at my body, which once was real,
Now it’s a fake, and it doesn’t appeal.
Changing my outsides, didn't fix me.
It just killed the girl that I used to be.
It’s so absurd, can’t take this much longer,
I’m getting weaker, by what should make me stronger.

What once was my beauty,
Is now my lie.
What I thought was my duty,
Was just a selfish try;

To fix something that wasn’t broken
It broke what was from the beginning whole
My Beauty was before unspoken
But now the change has taken my soul

I'm exposed.

i like it! nice ryhming XP

Aoow thankuu, really mean it x)

Hey there. Alright, I will be nice. I thought the poem was great...(and this is not because I am being nice). I feel you are tackling a very sensitive issue to many girls and you did it well. I also like how you were consistent with your rhymes which made the poem more appealing because they were 90% non-tacky. Good.

Tahnkuu.. but now i still feel i forced ppl not to be critical to me.. It's okay to critizize a little, but i do very miuch appriciate the nice comment too.
Thanxx anyways <33 // Sagaa

Good. The only thing I suggest you change is the "i'm" at the last line to an "I'm", it's a very minute change but it adds professionalism knowing that you've followed a set standard.

I look at my body, which once was real Now it’s a fake, and it doesn’t appeal

This was my favourite rhyme because of its message. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and following that logic when I read this line I can picture someone who has had plastic surgery or some alterations to their body with the belief that if will make the more beautiful.

At the start of the piece you prefaced it by saying people made you feel as if you were not the writer you considered yourself to be. Now this may sound like Simon Cowell, but reading that preface in short-script made me believe your poem might be written that way as well. Short-hand (such as using ppl, and brb, etc), is handy for quick conversation but on a literary forum it can have more than one interpretation leading to prejudice before someone even reads your work.

You are a talented writer. I enjoyed your poem very much and commend you for taking up this issue on what beauty truly is. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky

I really like this poem. It is so true, everyone just tries to cover up the traits they where born with, even though they are beautiful. One small mistake i caught was in this line "It’s so messed up, can’t take this much longer" Maybe you could use better vocabulary then so messed up. I think you should put an I before can't. That's just my personal opinion! This is really good and keep writing. (I'm the same as you, It seems all I get are bad reviews on here.)

KAH

I actually really loved how you wrote this. I think everyone, even guys, deal with self esteem issues when they see their bodies, but everyone is beautiful.
Anyway I didn't really have many problems with the poem, except one nitpick

Demoness wrote:Seconds later, unhappy, I leave it be

I think there should be a comma between unhappy and I.
Besides that grammatical error, I really enjoyed this piece!
Keep it coming!
Jane

I really adore it! I can relate to it alot. (And NO! I am not trying to make you feel good. I'm a professional book critic. I just don't do that.) The only thing that doesn't feel quite right to me is the term "cloth set." Beyond that its fabulous. Keep up the good work!

Hi, I thought your poem had a really great message and it spoke to me. But one fairly major thing...does it really have to rhyme on almost every single line? It just makes it sound kind of forced. For example
My hair wasn’t as I wanted it too
So change it, was all I could do

Some of the rhymes are really nice, but maybe if you just reworked it so there was less rhyming, that way it will seem less contrived and flow better.

Thankuu all, for the replies.
I know i'm obbsessed with the rhymes. x))
But yeaah. i'll change the spelling mistakes and make some small changes.. dont think i will erase the rhymes though.. cause i want it rhyming.. how forced it may seem ) Sry

Hi, firstly I would like to say that your poem is very easy to relate to. Every ones in a while we think how we would look like if we maintained ourselves free from impurities. This portrays especially to girls who have to deal with the pressure now a days.
As for the good stuff I liked this quote especially: "I’m getting weaker, by what should make me stronger . "
One tip I could give you is to use a stronger word than "messed up." Remember that this is constructive criticism and you should enjoy it plenty and get the most out of it!

Thanxx for the recent replies, I love some good criticism...
And thanku for the advice... // Sagaa <3