Fairytale: A love story... (chapter Two)

“What?” I asked him and he nodded.

“I swear that if it was not true I will give up my throne,” he said.

“OK, are you sure that you don’t need any help or anything, right?” I asked him, still refusing to believe his story.

“I am absolutely 100% okay, except that I am somehow in this strange world where strangers are not welcomed with politeness,” he said, he seemed to say the last part a bit louder as Brad walked past us to go to the gym. Brad looked back at us with a I’ll-Give-You-A-Polite-Welcome look, but I shook my head and he walked away.

“Well, where were you when you, uh, found yourself here?” I asked, trying to be polite.
“Oh, I don’t know. By some house,” he said, how helpful!

“Any other useful comments you’d like to add?” I asked.

“Look,” he said. “I understand my presence is not welcome, but could you please help me? I promise that the reward will be greater than any struggle!”

I looked at him for a while. He had an innocent face and a pleading smile. You could tell just by looking at him that he was not making this up and he wasn’t insane at all.

“What kind of reward?” I asked, eyeing him. He seemed to think about it for a while.

“You could come live with me in Aumber, you could be my queen! My father has been trying to get me to marry a horrid girl, but my mother told me that if I found another girl, that she would work it out with my father. You could come to back with me and my mother would convince my father to let you marry me!” he said, very excitedly I might add.

“I just met you and you’re already proposing?” I asked. I mean, sure, it was a nice deal. I could get away from Mrs. Kensington, and Brad, and that stupid foster family. I would be queen, nobody would try to boss me around or think little of me, and I would be in a whole different world! Allen would be doing me a favour and I would do him a favour, but marry him? I am eighteen, but it would still be awkward, especially since I just met him about thirty minutes ago!

“Just think about it, ok?” he said and started to walk away, then realized he didn’t know where he was supposed to go and walked back to me. I laughed at him and lead him to Algebra.

I know it's short but I felt as if it was just time to cut it off, plus I'm out of ideas...

Hey, KD here to review, seeing you had none.

Nitpicks:

iheartbooks wrote:“I swear that if it was not true I will give up my throne,” he said.

This sentence is weird and confusing. I would re-write it like this: 'I swear on my throne that it is true.' That sounds a bit better.

iheartbooks wrote:“OK,. Um, are you sure that you don’t need any help or anything, right?” I asked him, still refusing to believe his story.

I added the 'um' since it makes the dialog more realistic. It's not needed, but it makes the sentence sound more like what a real person would say in an awkward situation.

iheartbooks wrote:“I am absolutely 100% okay, except. The only problem though, is that I am somehow in this strange world where strangers are not welcomed with politeness,” he said, he seemed to say the last part a bit louder as Brad walked past us to go to the gym. Brad looked back at us with a I’ll-Give-You-A-Polite-Welcome look, but I shook my head and he walked away.

This whole part is confusing, especially the 'I am somehow in this strange world where strangers are not welcomed with politeness' part. The sentence is very awkward. I also don't understand the way you describe the look Brad that gives the guy.

iheartbooks wrote:“Well, where were you when you, uh, before you found yourself here?” I asked, trying to be polite.

Haha, I would react in the exact same way as the MC.

iheartbooks wrote:“Oh, I don’t know. By some house,” he said, I would start a new sentence here how helpful!

To make the dialog even better, make him speak differently than others since he comes from a different world by having him make different word choices, by giving him an accent, etcetera.

iheartbooks wrote:You could come live with me in Aumber, you could be my queen! My father has been trying to get me to marry a horrid girl, but my mother told me that if I found another girl, that she would work it out with my father. You could come to back with me and my mother would convince my father to let you marry me!” he said (very excitedly, I might add).

iheartbooks wrote:“I just met you and you’re already proposing?” I asked incredulously. I mean, sure, it was a nice deal. I could get away from Mrs. Kensington, and Brad, and that stupid foster family. I would be queen, nobody would try to boss me around or think little of me, and I would be in a whole different world! Allen would be doing me a favour and I would do him a favour, but marry him? Even though I am eighteen, but it would still be awkward, especially since I just met him about thirty minutes ago!

I added the word 'incredulously' to make this part more interesting, and to help the reader picture what's going on better.

iheartbooks wrote:“Just think about it, ok?” he said and started to walk away, then realized he didn’t know where he was supposed to go and walked back to me. I laughed at him and lead him to Algebra.

Overall:


Good chapter. They're a cute couple. *wink wink* Keep up the good work! Hope I helped-

KD

Whoa whoa, proposing already? I know he's confused since he's from another world, but proposing is a little quick, and her reaction should be something like wanting to send him to the nut house, I know he's cute, but no guy can be that cute...maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself since I haven't read the other two chapters...but so far I like it, keep it up.