Unknown Incidence (5 part 2)

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I'm finally back home from the theater-Zack came with me, I walk out of the bathroom feeling fresh from the Movie Theater uniforms.
“Hey,” I tell Zack who is sitting on my bed.
The door shuts behind me and I sit down next to him.
“When can you um, leave?”
“You want me to go?” he looks serious and I swallow hard.
“No, I mean, I didn’t mean it that way. I meant that-is it safe now to go, like is the paparazzi still crowding the way to the hotel?” I explain.
He shifts in his place. “Yeah, they are crowding up the hotel. There is a way though-I’m gonna need your help,”
“Okay, but it better be fast. I don’t really wanna spend the summer with you,”
“Ha, is it that bad to hang out with me?”
My hands wipe my pants. “Hanging out with a spoiled celebrity that only cares about his fame and fortune-not really in the mood you know,”
“I’m not a spoiled celebrity,” He sits back against the wall.
“Oh come on! What about all those CD’s and the lies you say on the news,”
“Lies?” I see his questioned face.
“I don’t believe that you are so happy about helping people that are less fortunate, or that your fans are so important,” I go back to the argument that we had in the theater.
“I am happy about helping them, and my fans are important to me-they made my carrier huge! And helping the less fortunate is great, you get to see how they live and help them have a better life,”
He sits close to me.
“Really Zack, really?”
“Yes really, do you want me to prove it?”
I nod showing a grin.
“I sent 5 million dollars to the donation myself, my parents said not to because it wasn’t worth it. They wanted me to sing with the Jonas Brothers because it will bring us more money-they are more selfish,”
“Really,”
“Yes, it’s true,”
I lay on my back letting the soft comforter make me sink.
“I think I believe you,”
“Really,” His sarcasm shows.
“Yes really,” I get up hitting his arm.
“Good, than can you help me?”
“Fine,”
I get off my bed putting my sweater on.
“So, how are we gonna do it?” I ask.
“Here’s the plan,” He gets off the bed.
“We will take your car-,” He goes on.
“What? No,”
“Come on, you’ll have mine,”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know- as I was saying, we will take your car. When we get to the hotel I will get in through the back and you can drive back home, if you want,” He moves his hands as he says this.
“If I want?”
“I don’t know if you want to go home. Maybe you want to go to the store or something,”
“Right, and that’s all? No disguises for just in case they see you?”
My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I leave it alone.
“You care why?”
“I don’t wanna be chased,”
“Oh yeah,”
“And I don’t want to be caught hanging out with you,”
He just starts laughing making me confused.
“What?”
“Do you hate me that much?”
“No, I’ll just be mystery girl, and I don’t want that,”
“Hm, maybe I want that?”
“Ha ha,”
“Okay, are we doing this?”
“Yes,”
We both run out of my room following the steps on the stairs down. My parents are hypnotized by the TV and my brother is at a party, my dog is sleeping in her big bed. The car is untouched which lets me use it.
I open the garage, letting in the new paint smell into the house. It’s dark so I turn on the light and see my navy blue Mini Cooper standing on its own. The posters on the walls and the red cabinets make the garage seem like a teenage boy’s hideout.
“Nice car,” Zack rings in my ear.
“Thanks,” I reply.
My sweats make me feel non caring of my looks but they aren’t bad.
“Let’s go,” He says.
I unlock my car and hop onto my cottoned seating looking at the blue flashing lights highlighting the numbers on the dashboard.
The lights in the garage turn off as I drive out closing the garage door.
“Where is the hotel?”
“The Marriot hotel,”
“I asked where not what,”
He looks at me with a serious face.
“Fine, I know where that is,”
My car starts driving and we follow the dark road.
*
“Happy?” I park the car in the back of the hotel.
The paparazzi are standing in front of the hotel taking pictures of everyone who steps out of the hotel. All the flashes are hard to miss; they make the night seem like dawn.
“Thanks,” He says.
“Do you need help stepping out?” I make fun.
“No,”
He steps out halfway.
“Oh wait-I can’t forget to tell you,” he says.
“Tell me what?”
“Colin may not call you or anything ‘cause hes partying in Chicago for me,”
“For you? Why,”
“He wanted a celeb day, so I gave it to him, I’m nice,”
“Nice, huh,”
“Bye,” He steps out.
“Bye,” The door shuts and I drive out.
*

Please comment! I wanna know what you think! :thud:
Last edited by Nike on Wed May 19, 2010 8:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Review Part (5.2)

"My hands wipe my pants." I think I may have mentioned this point before, but if not, this should be "I wipe my pants" or "I wipe my pants with my hands." Since hands are a part of the persons body, it's the person who uses them. Otherwise you are personifying the hands, which is kind of wierd. Same with a car that drives itself.

Carrier: Someone who carries things.
Career: A job.

You should mention that they're already back at Alex's house at the beginning. When you change the location you need to throw in a huge arrow. The start of this chapter makes me think she's just changed into the uniforms in the Movie Theater bathroom, and then suddenly ends up in her bedroom. Of course it's easy to figure out when you think logically, but readers are lazy, they don't like to think.

On to part six :)
We were born to be amazing.



I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman