New Discoverys Chapter 1

Well this is the first chapter of a possible book. Im new to all this so if you could review that would be great. Thanks
-Bumblebee
Chapter 1
“Your Leaving again.” Lex said
“Only for a short time” repied her mother
“Let me guess I’m staying at Aunt Jenn and Uncle Joe’s for the school year.” She said in a loathsium voice, Lex didn’t mind them they were just meddlesome and never give her space she had been staying at their house during the school year since the beginning of Freshmen year and hated not having much of a relationship with her parents, they were never around to develop one.

Three Months later
August
Lex shoots up in her bed startled by the blaring alarm six AM on a summer morning the whole house is sound asleep
Perfect
Finally time alone
Lex crept to the dresser to grab some shorts and a sweat shirt grabs a canvas all her paint, rolls up sketch paper, pastels, a tin of pencils and her phone grabs her homemade easel and silently slinks down the dark stairway to the door to escape to her safe haven, the beach.
Lex loved the feel of the cool breeze on her skin and the smell of the fresh salt air. She trudges through the sand at a snail like pace so her art supplies would not come tumbling to the ground making her way to her favorite part on the beach.

Asher sat in his jeep jamming out to the radio not really caring what he’s listening too, the only thing occupying his mind is which beach he should surf. He decides on a more remote beach even though it’s farther than he wants to drive it will be less occupied.
Peace
Empty beach
Just me and the beach
Asher grab’s he fprd from the top of his jeep and makes his way to the water. Watching the break
“What the hell?”
He had litteraly ran into some girl.
Huh I thought this beach was empty
He laid his board down and walked over to the girl. She had long dark brow hair and a slender frame, when she looked up she had intense stormy violet eyes unlike any he had ever seen.
“Sorry I wan’t paying attention, I didn’t think anyone was here.” He said appologelicly
“Obviously” she stated simply
“So your an artist?”
“Something like that”
“Would you like some help with all of this” he said gesturing to the pile
“No I’m fine” eventhough she clearly needed the assistance the picked everything up but gravity won and every thing came clattering down, Aher picked up most of it and asked
“Were to?”
She motioned to the left and they began walking.

He had short light brow almost blond hair with a pair of board shorts and a skin tight body glove. He was taller than the average teen with bright deep sea green eyes, and why he was helping her she had know idea. After he set down her belongings he stuck out his hand and said,
“Asher”
“Oh uh-Lex” as they shook hands

Nice start to a possibly engaging story. I wonder if this is your first time writing cause' its really not all that bad I kinda liked it. Now for the review I advise going over the chapter again and doing some revising and editing there wasn't a lot of mistakes but a few here and there makes it kinda hard to read. I liked Lex's overall situation with her parents, but it couldn't hurt to and a sentence or two capitalizing on how it makes her feel. Its good for character development. (if you write differently then disregard that last sentence) All and all this was good writing and look forward to future chapters (sorry if offended you in anyway).

You did not offend me in any way shape or form reviews help me out a lot, It is my first time writing but I do draw so I just write the way I would want to draw the scene if that makes sense its like drawing with words. I like your suggestion to elaborate on Lex's feeling and will try to add that in the next chapter or so, thanks for the review.
-Bumblebee

Hi there. So I guess Ill get right into the review.

I really don't mean to offend you, but this piece needs alot of work. There were errors in grammar, spelling, and sentence structure that made it really hard to read, and right now, I cant really see past them to comment on your characters, plot and whatnot. So since I hate it when people just tell you what's wrong, but don't give you the tools to fix it, I'll help you out.

So a couple things to talk about before I get into it:

The indents/new lines- You have alot of new lines in your work, or I call them indents. While I appreciate the effect you are getting at, (emphasising those words) the problem is indents make your work look really un-professional, and a period at the end of a fragment will give you the same effect, and is often times more powerful. Of course you will still want to indent whenever there is a new person speaking

Punctuation is your best friend. - So that was really corny ^.^ but you know what I mean. Use punctuation, and when you think you have enough, use more. (okay, maybe not, but you get the idea.) Put a comma every time you would naturally pause if you were to read your work out loud, and put a period after every complete thought. Sorry to get elementary there, but just thought I'd clarify.

Verb Tense is Key- Throughout this piece you switched from past to present tense. It doesn't really matter what tense you choose, just that you choose one and stick with it. In my corrections I switched everything to past tense. You really have to watch for those tenses, they are really sneaky, I find some of those errors in my work all the time ^.^

I would suggest you brush up on some of your comma/grammar rules, especially pertaining to dialogue. I would go through them with you but that would be really tedious and long. However if you would like some additional help with this, always feel free to PM me

Spell Check is your other best friend- Sometimes I think spell check is the greatest thing ever invented. ^.^ It really helps you avoid stupid little mistakes, on YWS there is a spell check button on the upper right hand corner just above the text box.

Alright so Ill go through and correct some the errors in your piece for you, so you can have a better idea of what I mean. The italics portion is your words, and my corrections are in red. As I said, I took out the indents. In between the italics portions I put my comments. Alright so here you go!




“Your leaving again,” Lex said.
I would use a different verb than said here, sometimes said is a good verb, because the readers mind essentially skips over it, but for an intro, I think others are better, what about whined, matter-of-factly stated, or whispered? They all add interest.

Only for a short time,” replied her mother.
replied her mother is a bit awkward, how about her mother replied?

“Let me guess, I’m staying at Aunt Jenn and Uncle Joe’s for the school year?” She said in a loathsome voice. Lex didn’t mind them, they were just meddlesome and never gave her space. She had been staying at their house, during the school year, since the beginning of freshmen year. She hated not having much of a relationship with her parents, they were never around to develop one.

So lets talk about it. I put a number of commas in there for clarity, its much easier to read now. I also struck out some redundant information. I changed give to gave, so you would have the appropriate verb tense. Finally, I spliced the last sentence into two because you had two separate thoughts there.


Three Months Later
Okay so I bold-ed this, and capped it, because I thought it needed more distinction, your call though.

August
Same thing here.

Lex shot up in her bed startled by the blaring alarm, it was six A.M. on a summer morning, and the whole house was sound asleep. Perfect. Finally time alone.

Lex crept to the dresser to grab some shorts and a sweat shirt. She grabed a canvas, all her paint, rolled up sketch paper, pastels, a tin of pencils, and her phone. Finally, she grabed her homemade easel and silently slinked down the dark stairway to the door, to escape to her safe haven, the beach.

So some comments, again I added alot of commas and spliced some sentences for clarity. I changed the tense of something in the list, and again, I changed some of the verbs to past tense to fix the flow, but that about it. So here's a question for you, where is Lex at this point, at her Aunt and Uncles, or at her mom's? That isn't really made clear. I think you need to add more that connects the first part with the second. Also, you used the verb "grab" alot in this section, I would consider changing it up and maybe using other verbs as well.

Lex loved the feel of the cool breeze on her skin and the smell of the fresh salt air. She trudged through the sand at a snail-like pace, so her art supplies would not come tumbling to the ground, as she made her way to her favorite part on the beach.



Asher sat in his jeep jamming out to the radio, not really caring what he’s listening to. The only thing that occupied his mind was which beach he should surf. He decided on a more remote beach, even though it’s farther than he wants to drive, it is less occupied. Peace. Empty beach. Just me and the beach.

Asher grabbed his board from the top of the jeep and made his way to the water.
Watching the break (What is this doing here?)

“What the hell?” He had literally ran into some girl. Huh, I thought this beach was empty (If this last sentence is Asher's thought it needs to be in italics, since this whole thing is already in italics, I cant really show you that.)

He laid his board down and walked over to the girl. She had long dark brow hair and a slender frame, and when she looked up, she had intense stormy violet eyes unlike any he had ever seen. “Sorry I wan’t paying attention, I didn’t think anyone was here,” he said apologetically
“Obviously,” she stated simply
“So your an artist?”
“Something like that,”
“Would you like some help with all of this,” he said gesturing to the pile.
“No I’m fine,” even though she clearly needed the assistance, she picked everything up, but gravity won and every thing came clattering down. Asher picked up most of it and asked, “Where to?”
She motioned to the left and they began walking.

Alright, some comments. First, he bumps into her, but then almost immediately after he lays down his board and runs up to her, but that point isnt he right by her? Something you might want to think about. Also, I would question wether occupied is the right word to describe a beach, maybe crowded would be better? Another thing is you right about Ashers decision in the future tense, and then all of the sudden he is there. You really need a transition sentence connecting the two thoughts. The dialogue is really decent her once you get past some of the mistakes. Good Work Otherwise, I basically did what I did in other sections.

He had short light brown almost blond hair, with a pair of board shorts and a skin tight body glove. He was taller than the average teen, with bright deep sea green eyes. Why he was helping her, she had know idea. After he set down her belongings he stuck out his hand and said,
“Asher”
“Oh uh, Lex,” she shook his hand

Same type of thing here too. The one thing I would look at more closely is the descriptor "average," it is very vague, and you could switch it with something way more descriptive.

So, wow, that's long, sorry about that, I really hoped it helped, though, It took a long time to type up. But as always, if you would like some more help feel free to PM me. As a side note, I sincerely apologize if I insulted your intelligence.

Keep Writing!

You didn't insult me I find constructive criticism more helpful than if you were to say oh yeah it was great I loved it, if you know what a mean. As you can tell this is my first time giving this a go I'm honestly not that great with the grammar its not my best friend, but so far I'm enjoying writing. Thanks so much for you help and advice on grammar it will help loads with the next chapter.
-Bumblebee