Super Hero Mutants ( SHM) * preface

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This is the preface to a story that came to me in a dream, and I just had to post it. Please help me with my writing skill by reviewing. Thanks. –Lily <3

Also, italics mean the good, underlined, the bad.
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The scientist had to continue his work, even if it may cost his life, for the sake of the world. He had all the chemicals and atoms in place; all he had to do was add the finishing touches to his work.

To bad he was mentally insane and had multiple personalities. That kinda got in the way.

This is for the world’s future trouble. Just have to add one more thing… The tool and the test tube he was about to pour fell to the ground of his all-white lab, his hand twitching as if it was fighting it’s self-because it was.

You fool! Have you lost your mind?! Oh wait, you did. The evil one of the two personalities of the man chuckled his evil way. You could loose your life for this! Why do you care about the world anyway? The pushed your precious ideas aside, and put you in the house until you went nuts! They deserve to die along with your peace!

The man thought deeply of this for a moment, close to quitting his work. But then he thought of his family that his job pulled him away from years ago, his wife and his baby girl he would not be able to see grow older. And the tears in his young boy’s eyes as he watched his father be taken away to a house he would be locked in for 15 years.

No! I will not listen to you! This for my family, and the world! The man ran over to Laney’s table, giving her the one thing that would have her change the world and lead it to safety. The man was twitching and his vision shook as his evil personality fought to stop him. I will not let this happen! But he managed to power the chemicals needed together and poured them into what would soon be a fourteen year old girl, leading her friends to save the world.

It is too late! It is finished! When he finished, the man flung to the floor, his evil self fighting with his good self.

You stupid fool!!! The evil took control of his right hand, grabbed a knife, and started to slice open his left. The man screamed in pain.

You shall die now!!!! Then, as blood poured all around, the man’s right slit his throat and then stabbed his heart.

And a fourteen year old girl stood over his corpse.

callmeLily73 wrote:
The scientist had to continue his work, even if it may cost his life, for the sake of the world. He had all the chemicals and atoms in place; all he had to do was add the finishing touches to his work.

To bad he was mentally insane and had multiple personalities. That kinda got in the way. Heehee...that last part made me giggle.

This is for the world’s future trouble. Just have to add one more thing… The tool and the test tube he was about to pour fell to the ground of his all-white lab, his hand twitching as if it was fighting it’s self. Because it was. Usually I don't let people get away with starting sentences with "Because..." Maybe instead of starting a new sentence, add a dash or a cemicollon instead.

You fool! Have you lost your mind?! Oh wait, you did. The evil one of the two personalities of the man chuckled his evil way. You could loose your life for this! Why do you care about the world anyway? The pushed your precious ideas aside, and put you in the house until you went nuts! They deserve to die along with your peace!

The man thought deeply of this for a moment, close to quitting his work. But then he thought of his family that his job pulled him away from years ago, his wife and his baby girl he would not be able to see grow older. And the tears in his young boy’s eyes as he watched his father be taken away to a house he would be locked in for 15 years.

No! I will not listen to you! This for my family, and the world! The man ran over to Laney’s table, giving her the one thing that would have her change the world and lead it to safety. The man was twitching and his vision shook as his evil personality fought to stop him. I will not let this happen! But he managed to power the chemicals needed together and poured them into what would soon be a fourteen year old girl, leading her friends to save the world.

It is too late! It is finished! When he finished, the man flung to the floor, his evil self fighting with his good self.

You stupid fool!!! The evil took control of his right hand, grabbed a knife, and started to slice open his left. The man screamed in pain.

You shall die now!!!! Then, as blood poured all around, the man’s right slit his throat and then stabbed his heart.

And a fourteen year old girl stood over his corpse.

Overall I really liked this! I didn't have very many nitpics at all. I really thought that this was well-done!
Just one thing...where you underlined...it should be in italics.
The fact that he died in the end seemed to add to the effect...however slightly depressing it was.
Anywho...
Good work!
-Isha

very good and supenseful . You definetly should continue .

This is very good. You didn't have many mistakes, the first person to review this allready said what they were, so I'm not going to do it again. I liked the flow of the story, and it was a realy good idea to turn a dream into a story. I agree as well that his thoughts shoud be in italics.

You should definately continue with this story, I want to know more and can't wait for the next chapter.
Love your story, Keep it up. Please PM me when you post more.

Ikafe

Hey nice preface i like how the scientist has split personalities that leads to his untimely demise. I also like that in his death comes life I hint a bit of symbolism in your writing. Again I say that I enjoyed this keep it up!