Dark Realm

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This is the very first poem I've ever written, so it's definitely not the best and definitely far from being good. Unfortunately, at that time I focused more on the rhyme, rather than on other aspects.
I'd really appreciate any advice on how to make it sound better^^
I sometimes have that nightmare, and the creature in the human-like form I see in it is really bugging me.


And through hell we'll go,
Red eyes burning behind those thick eyelashes,
And the soul is pitch black,
Suffering because of power that I lack
to tie it down.

But I feel the lust.
He's my eternal temptation,
And he knows of my admiration.

Hard to admit, but there's no one he loves.
He eats souls when he starves,
And pays no attention to me.

Scary in my dreams he appears,
Laughing at me and my determination,
Thinking I don't need salvation
from the chaotic world inside of me.

Then he leaves me with nothing but fear,
And never comes again.
I start losing this feeling, forgetting what I might leave behind.
It might be sad, might be frustrating,
But such thoughts are no longer lingering in my mind.


He is the black man of my dreams,
My dark side, my fire.
But I still haven't found him,
The root of my desire.
Last edited by Kanade on Wed May 12, 2010 11:30 am, edited 1 time in total.




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I'm not good at nitpicking, so I don't really have much constructive criticism, but over all, the main problem was the lack of consistency in the rhyming scheme and flow. Other than that though, it was a good poem, with some quite deep emotional portrayal. But in early poems, just try to stick to a more simpler scheme, just to be safe.




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Yeah, like the other writer said, it just kind of lacked a consistancy. If I were you I would take away the rhyming completely, because really a poem doesn't have to rhyme. Don't be chained down by that. I think if you made this a free-verse, this could be pretty awesome.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket



I hope I’ve never been quoted, tbh
— paigey