See Through

This is my first semi romantic poem. It isn't that great, but tell me what I can do to make it better.

You turned and looked into my eyes.
I felt your gaze fall right through me.
Around you I feel like a shapeless shadow,
just following where you go.

But when you laugh I sink with joy,
and fall apart inside.
But on and on you notice not,
the pain I feel inside.
Or even seeing what I am,
more than just a face.

Hey kingolions! Not bad at all for a first effort, but try to rephrase so that you don't get trapped into using cliche's. "fall apart inside", "pain I feel inside," and "more than just a face," are the most egregioius offenders, I think. Say things in a way nobody's said them before. Original topics are not needed - describing old things in a new way, however, is essential.

Keep writing!

Hi! I'm here for a review!

I agree with what the reviewer above me said about this being a very good first try. It's much better than what my first romantic poem turned out to be. But when writing about something that has been written about so many times, such as love, you must do something to make your poem stand out from the rest. Try using more imagery and metaphors. I know that kind of thing is easier said than done, believe me, but if you really work on it, I'm sure you will improve.

I hope I helped!
-Brainy

Listen to the previous post if you wish to pursue this type writing, other wise you will not be able to adequately write a love poem. I have written many in my 10 years of writing, and if I have learned anything, metaphors, and imagery are the two most important things in romantic poetry.

kingolions wrote:This is my first semi romantic poem. It isn't that great, but tell me what I can do to make it better.

You turned and looked into my eyes.
I felt your gaze fall right through me.
Around you I feel like a shapeless shadow,
just following where you go. You had some description in this but not quite enough. You need to tell a story when writing like this or it will be the same thing over and over.

But when you laugh I sink with joy, Sink with joy? I have always thought sinking would mean sorrow or something of the sort.
and fall apart inside. I didn't really like this line with the poem.
But on and on you notice not,
the pain I feel inside. I like these two lines.
Or even seeing what I am,
more than just a face.

Ok, so overal it was nice for a first try. I think you need more detail. I also think you should tell a story, why does he only see you like that, and so on. Other than that it was nice.

Keep Writing Pm me is you need anything

-Flower-

KingOlion:

I thought this was very good, for the most part; here is my cousin's input (who by the way is NOT a writer ^^):

-It was good in the way that you didnt compare anyone to a pink power ranger, and in the way that i wanted to read more and dig deeper into the meaning, but BETTER adjectives; they were- there just use a thisorous next time.

-(from elfy) I thought your poem was very well thought-out, and well written. Like i say to many people, alot of readers, critiquers, etc., enjoy it when you attatch a picture that is somehow connected to your point.

Thanks! Hope you liked the review!!!!

-Elfy