Sweet Blackberries

I wrote this thinking I might put it with a guitar in a coutry-type mood.

Sweet Blackberries

I was five
With mom yelling at me
“Get out of the sun
You’ll get yourself burned”.
But I don’t care,
I was havin’ too much fun


We were eatin’ sweet blackberries
In the summer sun
Checking our hands
To see who won
And I remember when
The goal in life
Was to get your hands
Stained purple-red
more than anyone else


When life was as simple as 123
When there was only day and night
No morning or afternoon
Just sitting out in the sun
Playing games
And when the day was done
Roasting marshmallows
Just because I could


Sitting in a old oak tree
Climbing the highest
Because they told me to
And your moma’s yelling at you
“Get back down here!”
But you don’t care
And I climb a little higher and
Listen to the leaves blow in the breeze


And we were eatin’ sweet blackberries
In the summer sun
Checking our hands
To see who won
And I remember when
The goal in life
Was to get your hands
Stained purple-red
more than anyone else


And we swung back and forth
On a hand-made swing
Hanging from a thin string
And knowin’ it won’t fall

And I remember when
The goal in life
Was to get your hands
Stained purple-red
more than anyone else


We were laughin’
as were eatin’
Sweet blackberries

Hey Kaywiia *Triple checks spelling*

I love this piece! It's so sweet. It reminds me a little of the poem 'Blackberry Picking' by Seamus Heaney- not sure if you've heard of it or not. I really wish I could hear what the music for it would be.

As a critic I suppose if I must critique something, it would have to be the sunscreen. The whole song reminds me of a country setting somewhere, and sunscreen seems like a very urbanised worry. Maybe a sunhat of sorts would be more appropriate?

Nice work overall Hope this helps.
-Ten

Fixed!

I like this. It's nostalgic in the right amount, and the descriptions are really good. I don't have anything to critisize. Oh the only thing that bugged me was that verse where you said she was sitting on the swing again, thinking how great her life is. I didn't like that one. It kind of brought me back from taht memory and pulled me into real life again, the present. So, I'd cut that one out - but that is my taste. Anyway, good job.
Ofir