you know those little grates?

in the
sidewalk?

sometimes
they’ll have steam
coming out of them
or something
and
if you look down
through the metal grates
they go about fifteen to twenty feet to the bottom.
I avoid them,
the grates.
I refuse to step on them. I know it’s not
all that
rational,
but every time I look at one of those grates
I picture myself walking
across one of them,
and then the grate breaks,
and then I fall.
and the fall ain’t enough to kill me, but
it breaks my legs.
and
because I’m falling
straight down
it my legs break at an angle
so the
bone
sticks outta my skin
pointing up.
and I’m just laying down there,
screaming
and bleeding.
and the people just keep walking past,
a few feet above me.
maybe
they can’t hear me, maybe
one of them does
but
keeps walking anyway.

in this city
people never come
when you scream for help.

Not something i would normally read but its good. The main thing that bothered me is the 19th line.

and the fall ain’t enough to kill me, but

the word ain't kinda detracts from the whole scene. Honestly it made me stop and thing,"why in the world diddn't he say wasnt?" and if you really want to use aint you should really add if after the word and

screamandshout wrote:Not something i would normally read but its good. The main thing that bothered me is the 19th line.

and the fall ain’t enough to kill me, but

the word ain't kinda detracts from the whole scene. Honestly it made me stop and thing,"why in the world diddn't he say wasnt?" and if you really want to use aint you should really add if after the word and

Good point. The word ain't is supposed to emphasize voice, but it doesn't work unless I use it frequently throughout the poem. I'll play around with it.

Hi

I agree with the other two about use of the word 'ain't.'

sometimes
they’ll have steam
coming out of them
or something

I'm not big on the line 'or something.' If I were you I would just cut it out. The middle is kind of grisly. I'm not sure I like that part.

This is a very, um, different perspective on things, but I found it quite interesting.

Sorry if this review is too negative for you. I don't mean to put down. It's just a different style from what I'm used to.

sarebear wrote:Hi

I agree with the other two about use of the word 'ain't.'

sometimes
they’ll have steam
coming out of them
or something

I'm not big on the line 'or something.' If I were you I would just cut it out. The middle is kind of grisly. I'm not sure I like that part.

This is a very, um, different perspective on things, but I found it quite interesting.

Sorry if this review is too negative for you. I don't mean to put down. It's just a different style from what I'm used to.

Knowing how to take constructive criticism is part of being a writer. Someone once read a story of mine and said it was the worst piece of (synonym for fecal matter) he'd ever read. That didn't discourage me. It takes a lot to hurt my feelings.

I appreciate your feedback. And you're right, now that I look at it I don't think that line adds anything to the poem.

That was FUNNY .

Probably not the response you were expecting, but I enjoyed it because it was original, and it was original because I don't see too many (if any) people writing about the grates in the sidewalk and their irrational fear of falling down them.

And yes, I will do a line by line, since I liked it so much. and you deserve to know why (exactly):

in the
sidewalk?

When I first read the title, and then this (and then understood what on earth the whole thing was going to be about), I decided I didn't like the double question - 'You know those grates? In the sidewalk?' is how it reads as a line - I mean, I like the conversational nature, but I think that starting it off like this actually works cleaner:

you know those grates

in the
sidewalk?
............

etc

Just a thought . I'm also not a terribly huge fan of shorter lines since it's kind of hard to pull them off properly and not make the whole poem look like a stop-start-stop-start stunted piece of writing with little flow, but I think the flow was alright in this case. It wasn't great, though, as far as I was concerned, because the shorter lines gave it a rather listless feeling, which is a shame since the topic could have eben so upbeat and playfully fearful, instead of trying to sink the reader down in the dense morbidity. Anyhow, I tend to look on the brighter side of things, so I didn't feel too depressed from reading this - just to let you know that some lines would have functioned beautifully if you'd glued them on to the next ones and made them a little longer.

sometimes
they’ll have steam
coming out of them
or something
and
if you look down
through the metal grates
they go about fifteen to twenty feet to the bottom.

The rate at which I read the lines is slow, for some reason, since they have only one word each, so I kind of pause at them and think about them and then move on. This is why the poem has a rather listless feeling to it, which was not fixed by fun vocabulary, but was somewhat helped by the interesting imagery - steam, twenty feet etc - however, that said, it could have been a tad less slow by longer lines.

I'd nix the 'or something,' and put the 'and' on to an existing line, since there is absolutely no reason why it should hang there by itself. It appears like you are trying too hard to create an effect when you put it there like that.

Overall, I like the description part coming in first, before you jump in (whoops, no pun intended) and tell us why the grates have any kind of significance at all.

I avoid them,
the grates.
I refuse to step on them. I know it’s not
all that
rational,

I think this bit would be pretty self-explanatory with just the 'I avoid them / the grates.' The 'I refuse to step on them' and 'not all that rational' lines are really unecessary since I understand this from the 'I avoid them' part anyway.

but every time I look at one of those grates
I picture myself walking
across one of them,
and then the grate breaks,
and then I fall.
and the fall ain’t enough to kill me, but
it breaks my legs.
and
because I’m falling
straight down
it my legs break at an angle
so the
bone
sticks outta my skin
pointing up.

I didn't think saying 'every time I picture myself walking / across one of them' was a particularly interesting idea - the whole 'here is the reason why I'm so damn terrified' stanza seemed a bit...cliche, although I did enjoy the rather gory description of the legs breaking. Yowch.

screaming
and bleeding.
and the people just keep walking past,
a few feet above me.
maybe
they can’t hear me, maybe
one of them does
but
keeps walking anyway.

This bit was not to my taste at all, and that's got nothing to do with blood. I thought the screaming, bleeding part was again rather cliche - and you've already had a BANG impact on us with the lines about the leg pointing at a ghastly angle, broken, etc in the lines before. The 'people just keep walking past........' lines just seemed boo-hoo. Too misery-filled. Here was the point at which the poem lost its touch of humour for me and just fell flat.

in this city
people never come
when you scream for help.

I'd probably say to end on the most powerful lines, instead of this slow downhill of impact. So...for me, the ending would have been fine at the 'pointing up' part. There's really no need to drag the 'other people' in - they sound two-dimensional, cardboard characters just there for the sake of taking up space, with no other purpose than to give some kind of reason for the narrator to think that the citypeople are unhelpful in the context of their fear.

But...definitely a cute idea - a little too trying-to-be-depressed at times - and I'd love to see you spruce it up a bit more so it's a bit more exciting to read!