Peace and Harmony: Chapters 1 and 2

1 Lucky
I met Peace as I was coming out of my piano 101 class I said “Hi, are you Peace Ellington?”
“Yes,” He said
“Hi, I’m Harmony Horn,” I said with my hand extended to shake his.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said in a warm friendly voice with a small smile on his face. His eyes were gave off a sense of calmness and warmth that I could feel on me like a blanket.
“Wow, I’m surprised to see you here; I thought you were on tour in Paris.” I said.
“Oh, I finished about a week ago, I wanted to take a break and have my first year of high school be normal.” “You’re a music major too?” He asked.
“Yep,” I said with a smile on my face.
"Then we should see a lot of each other this year.” He said.
“Yeah, if you're not busy, would you mind playing a little for me after school? I have never gotten to hear you live” I said.
“Sure.” He said nodding in approval. “Meet me in practice room number eighty-one.” “Sure.” I said as we both went off in our separate directions.
Our little meeting after school was all I could think about for the rest of the day. I kept looking at the clock waiting impatiently for it to turn three. As soon as the little hand clicked to the three I nearly jumped out of my seat and flew out of the classroom. I got there before Peace, and waited excitedly ten minutes for him to come. “I’m sorry it took me so long.” He said when he walked in. “My English teacher recognized me too and wanted my autograph.”
“So your fame followed you to the states?” I said teasingly.
“Not really she and you are the only people that have recognized me so far.So you ready?” He asked as he slowly walked over to the piano.
“Yeah more ready then you’ll ever know.” I said with a grin on my face. He sat down at the beautiful black baby grand, cracked his knuckles, took a deep breath and began to start playing. While he played he closed his eyes, yawned as if he was bored with how easy this was to him, and even winked at me during the most difficult sections in one of his pieces. Despite all this he played flawlessly. He was finished playing his fifth Bach invention before I interrupted him.
“You are such a show off.” I said, with a big smile on my face.
“Well you know I am Peace Ellington.” He said with a smug grin on his face.
“I would so slap you if I knew you better.” I said jokingly then began laughing. “I was just messing with you I don’t really act like that. He said,sounding worried.
“It’s alright” I said reassuringly.
“But all jokes aside that was beyond amazing.”
“Thank you” he said with a grin so big on his face you would have thought this was the first compliment he ever received about his playing.
“No thank you, I should pay you for that.”
“No don’t worry about it.”
“No I insist.” I said, while taking out my wallet.
“No I insist, keep your money I promise I won’t go broke if I don’t charge you for that.”
“Well thanks it means a lot to me.”
"Anytime, but if you meet my mom don’t tell here I did this for free ‘cause she would flip out, she’s such a mercenary.”
“I won’t I promise.” I said.
“But I still feel like I should give you something in return.” I racked my mind then the perfect idea came to me. “I don’t know if you have time or not, but my sister and I perform at this teen club and I thought you might want to come. I could get you in for free and backstage.”
“Sure I’d love to come.” “Is it tonight?” Peace asked.
“No, actually Friday at eleven.” I could text you the address with directions.”
“I’d rather you write it here.” He said showing me his palm.
“Okay…” I said giving him a strange look.
“Public reasons.” “He said.
“Think I’m a crazy fan uh?” I asked him jokingly. “Something like that he said with a slight grin on his face.
"Well thanks again." I said while writing the directions on his hand.
"You're welcome" He said smiling. Then we walked out of the practice room together.
"See you later," Peace said when we got to the parking lot.
"Bye." I said as we walked off in separate directions.
2
Explosive Duo
After that day it felt like Friday would never get here, everyday seemed to inch by even slower than the last until of course Friday did come.
I was more nervous then I’d ever been in my whole life, I could not believe in just a few short minutes I was about to play for Peace Ellington, a world renowned prodigy and pianist. I was shaking like a leaf when my sister Lyric said, “Harmony it’s time.”
I looked at her with a huge smile on my face just as Peace had on his the first day we met; I then excitedly squeezed her and followed her hand onto the stage.
When we got on stage I let go of her hand and went to sit at the piano.
As soon as she began walking to the front of the stage I heard a chorus of boys howling and cheering for her.
My sister was the self-acclaimed finest fifteen year-old girl in all of New York with her womanly figure, long light brown hair flowing down to the middle of her back and her lusciously lips that any boy would want to kiss.
I on the other hand was as flat as cardboard, no figure, no luscious lips and especially no chest. I took a deep breath and looked at Lyric for my queue she winked at me and nodded her head.
I turned around to face the piano, said a quick prayer and began to start playing “Ego”, and at that moment all the nervous excitement left the rest of my body and went straight into my fingers.
Lyric designed a bright gold pants suit, with gold sparkles on the stripes she had going straight down my legs.
The rest of the pants were a bright and shiny gold and the shirt matched them and she even topped it off with a hat.
She was wearing a bright, shiny, gold leotard she cut up and sprayed with gold glitter in an attempt to look as close as she could to Beyonce’s as she could. And I have to admit she did come pretty close.
My sister winked at the guys and blew some of them a kiss, this really caused an uproar, then she went to our friend John that was playing the trumpet for us and started playfully flirting with him too.
He smiled at her, and gave her a wink. She gave him a big smile as she walked away.
I shook my head at my sister in amazement, about a minute late she came and sat on the piano for the acapalla part of the song.
She looked down at me and smiled.
“Your not gonna flirt with your sister are you?” I said sarcastically with one eye brow raised. She slyly shrugged her shoulders at me during the long note.
Before we knew it the song was over.
The crowed cheered, and everyone there was standing on their feet, especially Peace which made my heart jump.
My sister brought all the musicians on the stage and introduced us one by one.
When it was my turn I looked out to our crowed with awe, admiration, and eternal gratefulness for there faithfulness for I did recognize many of the same faces from many of the weeks before and realized for the very first time they were looking at us in the same way.
A few minutes after our performance Peace came back to our changing room and greeted us. “Great performance guys,” He said, I could tell he was being for real by the humungous smile on his face.
“First let me introduce you to everyone.” I said as I turn to my sister. “This is my beautiful sister Lyric the brains of the operation.” “No.” Lyric said in disagreement with me.
“Harmony’s the real genius in the family.” I rolled my eyes as I shook my head. “You are way too modest.” She fussed at me
“Anyway this John our trombonist and our other trumpet was William,” He shook his head and gave Peace the classic guy hug with the hand in the middle and the pat on the back.
“And this is last but certainly not least our drummer and my very best friend in the world other then my sister, April.” “Ah, what I sweet introduction,” April said with a smile, “Hey, April nice to meet you.” Peace said extending his hand to shake hers.
“Well it’s getting pretty late I better go,” Peace said a few minutes later. “It was a pleasure to meet you all
A few minutes after our performance Peace came back to our changing room and greeted us. “Great performance guys,” He said, I could tell he was being for real by the humungous smile on his face. “First let me introduce you to everyone.” I said as I turn to my sister. “This is my beautiful sister Lyric the brains of the operation.” “No.” Lyric said in disagreement with me. “Harmony’s the real genius in the family.” I rolled my eyes as I shook my head. “You are way too modest.” She fussed at me “Anyway this John our trombonist and our other trumpet was William,” He shook his head and gave Peace the classic guy hug with the hand in the middle and the pat on the back. “And this is last but certainly not least our drummer and my very best friend in the world other then my sister, April.” “Ah, what I sweet introduction,” April said with a smile, “Hey, April nice to meet you.” Peace said extending his hand to shake hers. “Well it’s getting pretty late I better go,” Peace said a few minutes later. “It was a pleasure to meet you all, see you Monday.” Everyone warmly said goodbye to him, I could tell they all really liked him.
After Peace left we all packed up and got in John’s car and went home.
I had some pretty good times in my life but never like tonight, I was never going to forget it and who made it so wonderful.

Hey, Sarah! I'm KD, here to review.
You seem to be off to a good start here!

Sarah Pass wrote:He sat down at the beautiful black baby grand, cracked his knuckles, took a deep breath and began to start playing. All while he played he closed his eyes, yawned as if he was bored with how easy this was to him, and even winked at me during the most difficult secession in one of his pieces. And with all the clowning he was doing he still didn’t mess up. He was finished playing his fifth Bach invention before I interrupted him. “You are such a show off.” I said, with a big smile on my face. “Well you know I am Peace Ellington.” He said with a smug grin on his face.
“You know if I knew you better I would slap you.” I said jokingly and started laughing.

Haha, this whole part is cute. But, you have a major problem in this whole chapter with...

Dialog!

After someone speaks, you start a whole new paragraph. Generally. I'll give you an example based off of the beginning of this chapter:

"Wow, I'm surprised to see you here; I thought you were on tour in Paris."
"Oh, I finished about a week ago, I wanted to take a break and have my first year of high school be normal." Then he asked, "You're a music major too?"
"Yep," I said with a smile on my face.

(I fixed one little part in there.)

Also, make sure it's always obvious to the reader who's saying what. It'll be easier to help once you format your dialog.

Hope I helped! Keep on writing-

KD

Hi Sarah! I think you have potential here, but I never really see anything come of it in this piece. It starts awkwardly, continues in a disjointed way, and then ends abruptly. Think about how you want the scene to work as a whole, then work to write it so that it has an opening, some action, and something to wrap it up.

Another thing you've got to watch out for is general correctness in your writing. You're going to lose readers right away if you don't take the time to clean up your prose before posting. For instance:

“Yea, if your not busy would you mind playing a little for me after school, I’ve never gotten to here you live.” I said.

Yea -> Yeah
your -> you're
Add a comma after "busy."
Should be a question mark after "school."
here -> hear
There should be a comma, not a period, after "live."

And that's just in one line of dialogue!

Take the time to fix those things before you show your work to others. It's okay if there are a few minor errors, but if your reviewers spend all their time fixing things you could have edited yourself beforehand, you will lose out on the time they could have spent talking about your characters, your story, etc. I really like stories about music, so I'd like to see yours done well! Good luck

Hey The first thing I'm going to say is to keep on writing. You can only get better by practicing, and it seems as though you just haven't had enough practice yet. Just listen to other people's critiques; ect, and you will improve. You should pay attention when you read a novel to the way they phrase things. After dialogue ("......") and you say something like ....." She said., it should instead always be ".....," she said. It's small things like that you need to work on. Here's for the other stuff...

I met Peace as I was coming out of my piano 101 class I said “Hi, are you Peace Ellington?”

Try phrasing this differently. Instead say the "I said..." on the next line on a new paragraph. New dialogue with another speaker requires a separate paragraph.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said in a warm friendly voice with a small smile on his face. His eyes were a pretty ocean blue and his skin was a golden brown and his teeth were so bright I’m surprised I did not get blinded by them. He looked like he was probably 5”9”.

You want to try to refrain from using cliches (the eye color) and the direct descriptions- 'he was wearing...' ect. You don't need to describe his height- if it's irrelevant to the plot, you don't need it.

I think the characters were well formed. Peace sounds like a cool person, just remember that characters have flaws too
Sorry if this review sounded too harsh, but you're off to a good start. Keep writing ~~ FMS

Hello Sarah, I'm here as your sometimes brutal reviewer. Please, if anything I say in anyway makes you feel sad tell me immediately. I will see to it that I explain why I said what upset you.

“Yes.” He said.

The period that I highlighted in blue should be a comma. And I added a period for you in red. By the way, you make the same mistake of using a period to separate dialogue from the speaker wit ha period throughout you story. A period is never used in such a way. A period is only used to end dialogue if it's the end of a paragraph or if the speaker was mentioned before his actual words.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said in a warm friendly voice with a small smile on his face. His eyes were a pretty ocean blue and his skin was a golden brown and his teeth were so bright I’m surprised I did not get blinded by them. He looked like he was probably 5”9”.

I added a comma in red. And must your description of the boy be so typical of these kinds of stories? Maybe you could describe his features as virtues. You know, like eyes that seemed to emit authority, yet were not intimidating. Or you know, anything out of the ordinary that will seem new and fresh top the reader.

"Bye." I said as we walked off in separate directions.

You already ended a paragraph with that seem parting. Concluding a story like this gives off a strange vibe of deja-vu. I suggest you re-word it. You can try things like, "We parted and set off to finish the rest of our day. We separated like a DNA helix as we set off to conclude our day. WE split like an apple and went our separate ways.

You get the concept. Play with details.

Alright, as for the story itself. Yeah, romance stories aren't exactly my thing and nor am I good at writing them so I may not be the best person to be giving criticism here.

I like how you didn't go completely over board in describing just how perfect the guy is in the girl's eyes. That would have had me gagging internally. Unfortunately, I feel that you leave a lot to be desired in your descriptions.

What I mean is how did the surroundings look like? Peeling paint? Dust particles floating in a stream of light seeping through a slit in some window blinds? A blue carpet so clean that it looks like the surface of a body of water? The opportunities are endless really to describe scenic details.

As for what I think of your protagonist, what exactly were her motives in the story? Throughout your story I just feel that she's sort of just there.

Regardless of what I've said, don't let anything discourage you from writing.

Happy writing Sarah.

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