Thee Ex - Boyfriend

Freshmen year is said to be the hardest. Most go to a different school and may get lost . Freshman year was a total disaster. The beginning was okay . I got lost alot because my school is huge . Now and then I still get lost. Then during the third week in school during exploratory I met my Ex-Boyfriend Daniel King . I thought he was so cute . He has long brown hair , not long ,long but long for a guy hair . He has gorgeous brown eyes . Whenever he looked at me it felt like he was seeing through me . He could always tell when I was upset and trying to hide it . Dan is one of those guys I will never forget. All my life guys either ignored or made fun of me . Dan actually started talking to me and he wasn't pretending to listen either. After a week of knowing each other we started dating . We stayed on the phone for hours and sometimes acted stupid.

We both used to hurt ourselves but not in a suicidal way . We both have a high tolerance for pain and would see how much pain we could deal with. We used to have the same argument every night . Him saying I'm cute and me denying it. He used to get me to say it and they I would say nope you are way cuter. One night he told me if I didn't stop hurting myself that he wouldn't kiss me. So I didn't stop because I didn't think he would actually do it. But he did one day and then asked me if I learned my lesson the next day then he kissed me. He always made me happy and could make me laugh easily .

We had so many thing the same but also very different. Like we both like the band Linkin Park and we like horror movies. We both have close relationships with our families . somethings that are different is he likes the color black and my favorite color is green. I have plans for my future and he doesn't .

He always knew how to make me feel special and beautiful. But he also made me miserable without knowing it. He is such a ladies man . He always hugs a bunch of girls and I pretend I'm not a jealous person but I really am . Even though me and my Ex have been apart for over a year I still get jealous and sad whenever he is with another girl. I still don't know why he broke up with me and people say he was a horrible boyfriend . I don't think he was a horrid boyfriend especially for my first. I could've had a way worse first boyfriend.

We lasted longer than most couples in my school. I've talked to a bunch of people and heard a ton of stories of peoples first relationship and there's were worse than mine. Me and Dan lasted for 3 months I thought we would last forever. He used to write on letters that he wrote to me D+H 4> . Last year I thought it was true. Sometimes I wish it wish because I am definitely not completely over him. He was the first boy I have ever said I love You to that wasn't in my family. Just looking at him breaks my heart over again , but then I remember that it was his lost and now I have a wonderful boyfriend who I have been dating for six months . He is the guy I love at this time in my life . I don't know if it will last forever but for now I am happy to be with him as long as he wants to be with me.

Okay...

Whitedwarf3821 wrote:Freshmen year

----> Freshman year

Whitedwarf3821 wrote:okay . I got lost alot because my school is huge

okay. I got lost a lot because my school was huge.

Whitedwarf3821 wrote:Whenever he looked at me it felt like he was seeing through me

----> sounds like he didn't notice her.

You should elaborate more on the paragraph about the pain.
Awright, sorry, too many grammar errors to correct. Also, I don't see the actual point of this, there's nothing that really draws the reader in, except maybe the fact that you hurt yourselves, and that was briefly mentioned. It's just like one of those 'Chicken Soup' stories, but not as inspirational.

You need more detail, you need more to draw the reader in. It sounds like you rushed it. It might have potential, but there's A LOT of work you have to do.

[quote="Whitedwarf3821"]Freshmen year is said to be the hardest. Most go to a different school and may get lost . Freshman year was a total disaster. Ok, you've already said that Freshman year was said to be the hardest, so why repeat yourself by saying it was a disaster?

Then during the third week in school during exploratory I met my Ex-Boyfriend Daniel KingYou don't have to captizile "Ex-Boyfriend" .

I thought he was so cute . He has long brown hair , not long ,long but long for a guy hair ?? Description please. Was his hair past hi shoulder blades? To his waist? What kind of clothes did he wear? Any scars?.

We had so many things that are the same but also very differentabout us. Like our similar taste in music and movies: Linkin Park and *put wheva movie you want here We both have close relationships with our families . Somethings that are different is he likes the color black and my favorite color is green. I have plans for my future and he doesn't . Which are what exactly? Why doesn't he have plans?

He always knew how to make me feel special and beautiful. But he also made me miserable without knowing it. He is? I thought he was an ex? In the last two sentences you used past tense such a ladies man . He always hugs a bunch of girls and I pretend I'm not a jealous person but I really am . Even though me and my ex have been apart for over a year I still get jealous and sad whenever he is with another girl.

*Deep inhale* Okies...like the previous poster above me said...this needs work. A LOT of work. There's a few puncation errors and definatly grammat errors. I've only mentioned a few. Also, what was the point of this story? There was really nothing to keep me reading except that I don't want to look at my science notes right now. This has poetential if you redo it all; give more detail (describe as much as you can WHY you could get lost in your high school. Is it a four story bulding with too many corridors to count?) on your surrondings and the characters, on your pain, and find a way to grab a reader's attenion.

I must say this is rather touching and I really liked it! But the grammar and all those other errors just bring it down. You shouldn't place spaces between the last letter and the full stop because you just don't do that.

I think If you went around and fixed all the mistakes this story could really fly, and also I think this should be in romantic fiction...no it shouldn't???I wouldn't no, just ignore that last part.