A Starry Night

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So here's a little biographical poem of Van Gogh. It's kind of raw, and my first attempt at free verse, but let me know what you think. Also, let me know if I got the rating right. I wasn't sure if was graphic enough to be rated R, but I at that anyway.


A Starry Night
There was a gnawing inside of him.
It started at his heavy heart
at the chasm,
the void,
where he had once allowed her in.
The place he had, with trust, allowed her to fill
with illusory emotion.
The place he had always reached for when he needed inspiration and art and beauty.
The gnawing spread like a cancer
slowing his burdened heart,
fogging his brilliant mind,
dulling the eye which had seen so much beauty,
un-willing a hand with which he could create art.

His soul hungered to feel something, anything,
but pleasure couldn't put a dent
on the emptiness.
He needed sensation.
He needed pain.
He needed to will the trembling hand to clutch the silver dagger
He needed the cold kiss of the metal on his ear lobe
to replace the memory of her warm kisses on his lips.
The coldness was soon replaced by the warm blood, coursing out,
down
the silver of the blade
and the steel of the hilt
and onto his trembling hands.
A sense of calm propagated through
his troubled mind
overriding the panic of the warm sticky ear he held in his hand.

The calm would not last.

While he he still had his sanity,
he put the ear
in a box
and sent it away.
Far away.
The throbbing pain at the side of his head broke the calm and thoughts of her penetrated the reprieve of pain.
On his hands he saw the color
the dark violet red
and he longed for more.
He longed for vividness
With a hand that no longer trembled, he clutched a brush
and with hit he filled the chasm with color and beauty.
Dark color and a terrible beauty.
He poured the gnawing onto the canvas,
again and again,
into the swirling eddies
of a starry night.
"Study hard what interests you the most in the most undisciplined, irreverent and original manner possible."
— Richard P. Feynman




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I really liked this poem, especially the "silver dagger" bit.

pla303 wrote:It started at his heavy heart
at the chasm,
the void,

This seems overdone.

pla303 wrote:with illusory emotion.

I like this.

pla303 wrote:un-willing a hand with which he could create art.

This one is iffy. I don't like the verb choice.

pla303 wrote:His soul hungered to feel something, anything,

Generally, hearts are the ones feeling. I do like the "something, anything," though.

pla303 wrote:He needed to will the trembling hand to clutch the silver dagger
He needed the cold kiss of the metal on his ear lobe
to replace the memory of her warm kisses on his lips.

I really liked the imagery of these lines.

pla303 wrote:A sense of calm propagated through

Propagated is not the best word here.

pla303 wrote:While he he still had his sanity,

He does? If that's sanity, what's insanity?!

pla303 wrote:With a hand that no longer trembled, he clutched a brush

Nice repetition of parts of a previous line.

pla303 wrote:He poured the gnawing onto the canvas,

I like this.

I thought the emotion was really powerful, but some of the word choice was a little off.
When in doubt...obfuscate!




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pla303 wrote:
A Starry Night
There was a gnawing inside of him.
--i dont like this line, it's not very fluent
It started at his heavy heart
at the chasm,
-- double 'at' sounds bad
the void,
where he had once allowed her in.-- i like the start of plot line
The place he had, with trust, allowed her to fill
-- too many 'he had' & 'her' together
with illusory emotion. --good line, delete period
The place he had always reached for when he needed inspiration and art and beauty.
The gnawing spread like a cancer
slowing his burdened heart,
-- i have no love for these lines
fogging his brilliant mind,
dulling the eye which had seen so much beauty,
un-willing a hand with which he could create art. -- maybe revise to 'made unwilling the hand with which he could create art

His soul hungered to feel something, anything, -- 'something, anything' is over used
but pleasure couldn't put a dent
on the emptiness. use a better word then 'emptiness
He needed sensation.
He needed pain.
He needed to will the trembling hand to clutch the silver dagger
He needed the cold kiss of the metal on his ear lobe
to replace the memory of her warm kisses on his lips. al the 'needed's take away instead of enrich the poem
The coldness was soon replaced by the warm blood, coursing out,
down --why is there a random one word? messes w/flow
the silver of the blade
and the steel of the hilt
-- i dont like these two lines.. kind of prose like instead of poetry
and onto his trembling hands.
A sense of calm propagated through
his troubled mind
overriding the panic of the warm sticky ear he held in his hand. i like.

The calm would not last. i think 'could' would sound better

While he he still had his sanity, -- he didn't have sanity..
he put the ear
in a box
and sent it away.
Far away.
-- eek i don't like these, they sound like you're stuttering
The throbbing pain at the side of his head broke the calm and thoughts of her you're starting to sound prose-y again penetrated the reprieve of pain.
On his hands he saw the color
the dark violet red
and he longed for more.
He longed for vividness longed for 'the vividness'
With a hand that no longer trembled, he clutched a how about 'the brush'brush
and with hit he filled the chasm with color and beauty.
Dark color and a terrible beauty.
He poured the gnawing onto the canvas,
again and again,
into the swirling eddies
of a starry night.
BRAVO, GOOD ENDING

So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....



We're just all nosy little busybodies.
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