In The Dark - Chapter 2

In The Dark - Chapter 2

I was standing in front of the main doors of our house, searching for my keys. I couldn't find them anywhere. I looked even in the shopping bags. I knew I had the keys with me when I was leaving the house with my friends after my birthday party. I knocked on the massive, hard wooden doors, but there was no answer.

I took out my phone from the pocket of my jeans, and dialed mums number.

"Hello? Emily Hawthorne speaking," mum called in to the phone cheerfully.
"Mum, it's me Zoey, I lost my keys, can you come and open the doors for me?" my voice was shaking.
"Baby, are you okay?" she said worriedly.
"Yes mum, nothings wrong, can you just come, you know, it's cold out here" I said adding a little laughter into my voice.
"Well you sure don't sound like your okay. I'm coming." She said and then hung up.

I put the phone into my pocket, and picked up all five shopping bags. I knew someone is watching me, I felt their gaze on my back. But if I turned around I knew that there would be no one behind me, and I didn't want to freak myself out even more.

The front doors opened noiselessly. Mum pulled me in and closed the doors behind me.

I stood in the hall, water was dripping down onto the floor, from my face, my hair, my clothes, and from the bags I was holding in my hands. I was soaking, there was no dry place on my body.

Mum stood in front of me. Behind her was dad and my two seven year old twin brothers Jake and Jamie

"'oooh' Zoey you wet yourself pretty bad" Jake and and Jamie said at the same time, bursting out laughing.

"Shut up, you two," I shouted at them.

"Oh, Zoey, go up stairs, take a shower and change into dry clothes before you catch a cold. Put the wet clothes onto the radiators." Mum said looking worried.

"Zoey, I told you to take an umbrella, before you left the house" dad said, the corner of his mouth was pulling up.

"I guess I wasn't paying attention" I said, half way up the stairs.

My bedroom was on the third floor. I designed my room for myself when I was nine, I never changed it from then. The walls were red, the wooden floor was dark. I had a king sized bed with dark brown and bloody red bed linen. Across was a big, Victorian fireplace. I had a big wardrobe, beside it was a table, where I had my laptop. Beside the fire place, I had a book shelf. I love to read. There are two big windows on the side of the room that faces the garden and the nearby forest. At the back of the room are doors to my big bathroom.

The window in my room was opened. I dropped the bags and closed it. It was freezing cold in my room. I didn't open the window, so who did?

I switched the lights on and closed the doors behind me.

I left the bags where I dropped them. I took dry clothes out of my closet and went to take a shower.

After the shower I put on my dry clothes. A purple t-shirt, black jeans and white worm socks.

I was drying my hair in front of the mirror when I noticed it again. I was kinda of the black sheep in my family, in the appearance way. Mum, dad and my brothers all had blond hair and honey-brown eyes. I had long, wavy dark brown hair, blue eyes and a birth mark above the left side of my mouth.

I put my hair up in to a pony tail and headed out of the bathroom. When I was putting the wet clothes on to the radiator the lights went of. I heard my self shriek. My two brothers screamed loudly from down the stairs so I guess, the lights went off in the whole house. I hate dark, I never liked it, you never know who's hiding in it's shadows.

Then the voice in my head spoke to me again "They're here Zoey, You won't live for too long, I'll have what I wanted, Your death!" I felt terrified and panicky. My hurt was beating like crazy. I didn't know what to do. The windows busted, exploded, the glass flew all around my room. I fell to the floor covering my face.

So is this the end? I'm going to die really soon!I won't get to say things like I love you anymore. I felt cold and alone in the pitch black darkness....

What about mum, dad and my brothers? Are they going to harm them? No, they can't, I won't allow them. Those people only want me.

I could imagine my family standing above my grave, crying. My friends looking at me. What would they do if I died? Would their life be the same? I could see mum tired from the hours of crying. Everyone dressed in black. And me pale white lying in the coffin, about to be thrown in to the ground, to rot.

No, I pushed the thought from my head. I won't die, I won't let them kill me. But would I be brave enough to fight them? All of them?

My fear was holding me on the floor. I didn't want to get up. I was shivering. I wanted to fell safe and worm. But instead I was worried about what's going to happen next. Or what if I'm already dead. What if they already killed me?

A...THUD...noise came from down the stairs. A shriek escaped my mouth. I didn't dare to move. What's going to happen next?

Too me, it really wasn't all that intersting in the beginning, it was pretty much a drawl til like the very end. Again more mistakes, so tiny and miniscule yet they hit me hard across my face.Proofread! I know you alrady probably did that already like a dozen times, but sometimes you have to reread like a dozen more times to find the mistakes. I'm not trying to be mean or anything so don't be discouraged, I'm only trying to help you fix the little errors you have. I really do like it in fact and you must continue.

Thanks for the advice curiousvampire I'll think about how to make the start more interesting, and I'll definately proofread more....

you've over sold your story this time Ikafe, sorry to say this, but if you keep pulling us to feel the suspense you want us to feel, it's not gonna work. you know what they say right, little is more... so do that on your next story, let the readers feel for themselves, your job as a writer is to tell and manipulate the story not your readers, let them do that! it's already hard thinking what the next part might be right?

I enjoy this story, can't wait to see what happens next. Message me when you post the next chapter.

Hey Ikafe, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I looked even in the shopping bags.

even looked might sound better.

and dialed mums number.

dialed (or dialled, if you're from the UK) Mum's number.

"Hello? Emily Hawthorne speaking," mum called in to the phone cheerfully.

Why is this part in colour? Also, Mum.

"Yes mum, nothings wrong, can you just come, you know, it's cold out here" I said adding a little laughter into my voice.

"Yes, Mum, nothing's wrong, can you just come, you know, it's cold out here," I said...

confused about dialogue punctuation? Here!

"Well you sure don't sound like your okay.

you're.

I knew someone is watching me,

Someone was.

"'oooh' Zoey you wet yourself pretty bad"

Why is oooh in marks?

My bedroom was on the third floor. I designed my room for myself when I was nine, I never changed it from then. The walls were red, the wooden floor was dark. I had a king sized bed with dark brown and bloody red bed linen.

These really doesn't sound like a nine year old's room. Also, show us, don't tell us.

The window in my room was opened.

open.

and white worm socks.

worm socks.

lights went of. I heard my self shriek.

off and myself.

in it's shadows.

Its. Remember: he's, she's, it's, his, her, its.

My hurt was beating like crazy.

Your hurt?

Alright...

II. TENSE

This is just a note to please watch your tense. It's a bit all over the place right now, you keep slipping into present tense in certain clauses. Proofreading is a big bit of this, you'll notice these slips when you do it. If you want to write in present tense, do so, but if you want to write in past tense, do so. Whatever you do, you have to stick to one or the other, it doesn't work just swapping back and forth.

III. CHARACTERISATION

So, this is the second chapter and what's happened. Zoey's gone shopping, got caught in the rain, had a shower and now there's a powercut. Oh yeah, and she's hearing funny voices.

Now, it's fine, really, but when you're two chapters in and this is all that's happened, okay, yeah, it's a fine pace to move at. But you've got to fill in the space with something, and mainly I'm thinking, characterisation.

So far, what do we know about Zoey? She goes shopping. She has a red room. She's an utter stranger to me. The only way that we can feel any of her pain or fear is for you to let us inside her head, show us why we should care about her, show us why we're interested in her lights going off and voices in the night. It might be the best story in the world, but it's nothing without a character.

IV. OVERALL

Not bad- you need to proofread and as I say, develop!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

I really like your story! It really is dramatic are I love how you leave the reader on a cliff hanger at the end! Please, private message me when you continue your story! I can't wait to read more! You have tons of talent! keep on writing!
-Lily <3

Stella has already covered most of what I wanted to say (especially concerning tenses and characterization), so I'll just be focusing on the pacing.

The start of the chapter had me going "What? o_O" because there was no connection between it and the previous chapter. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if you'd ended the previous chapter at a more natural cut off point (like the moment she got off the train), but as-is, I'm left wondering what happened right after she shouted.

Again, all your sentences are tell with not enough show. Telling sentences work well during scenes of action and great tension (like at the end of the chapter), but they're not very good at building it, so the air of suspense and sense of danger you were trying to create flopped.

The appearance infodumps also did not help. Do we readers need to know what her room looks like? What does it reveal about her character? Currently, nothing because precise details weren't mentioned; basically, there's nothing setting the room you described off as uniquely Zoe's. Also, appearance infodumps and going into excruciating detail about clothing and getting dressed are very much tension-killers.

The rule of thumb for details in general is to only include the ones that are absolutely important, and to spread them out over the course of the story; anything else is just filler and can bog down the writing, and lumping all the description together results in boring infodumps. What details are considered absolutely important varies on what you're trying to write (a mood-setting piece will need more details than a fight scene, for instance), but a good thing to do is ask yourself: "If I were a reader, and I didn't know this, would the story still make perfect sense?" If the answer is yes, then the detail is not absolutely important. If, on the other hand the answer is no (like the detail of Zoey's appearance being different than her family's), then it is an important detail that you need to include. Just remember not to lump everything together in one place.

I wanted to fell safe and worm.

Look carefully at this sentence. See the errors?

Again, you cut off just as the action is (apparently) about to begin. Personally, as the reader, I feel like my chain is being yanked. It strikes me as a cheap trick to keep me reading on, except, with the lack of build up of any real tension, it leaves me more annoyed than anything. Pacing is a tricky beast to tame, but mastering pacing is necessary to be a good writer. The best way to learn at how to pace is to look at where other, good writers end their scenes and chapters and try figure out the reason why the ended there and why it works.

Overall, you need more variety in sentences structure, to cut down on the unnecessary details, fewer infodumps (if any), and better pacing. If you can fix the first three points, the pacing will improve dramatically.