In The Dark - Chapter 1

Please comment on my story, tell me my mistakes, tell me if you like the story, if it's worth to continue with it, I learn from my mistakes

In The Dark --- Chapter One


My legs were killing me, I've been walking around the the city for hours. I glanced over my shoulders at Kate and Holy, who looked tired as I was,

"I'll see you tomorrow at school guys"

"See you Zoey," they shouted out at the same time.

I hurried to the train station through the dark, cold, empty streets of east London. It's end of September and the weather started to change rapidly. Today was my birthday. We had a small party at my house earlier followed by a trip to the shops. I have to travel back home by train because I live in the country side, on a small farm in the Woodstock valley, just outside of London.

I was carrying lots of bags from the shops, they started to hurt my hands. I usually loved being alone but for the past week, I'd would rather walk with someone. For the past week I felt like someone was following me, watching my every step. Sometimes things moved in my room without me touching them, and then there was this voice. I always heard a voice in my head, a voice of an older man. I started to think I was going crazy.

I heard steps behind me, I turned around but no one was there. My heart started to beat faster, I could hear it in my ears. I started to walk again. At the same time I started to walk somebody from behind me started to walk as well. But this time I didn't look around I just kept staring in front of me, looking at the building I wanted to reach as soon as possible.

It took me five minutes to get to the train station, once I was there I felt safer with other people around. I bought a ticket, I was lucky I didn't have to wait for the train too long. I walked through the tight corridor at the start of the train and then through the door in to a warm coupe. From the outside the train looked new but inside, the blue smooth walls were covered with graffiti, some of the purple seats were destroyed, there was rubbish on the floor. Inside the coupe the air was dump, it smelled like something was rotting inside it.

I found a seat beside the window, which wasn't destroyed. The window looked like it needed a good clean. There weren't many people inside.

The way home won't take too long, only around fifteen minutes. I took out a magazine I bought earlier in the day, but I didn't get to read it yet. I opened it to the first page, when the voice in my head awakened again "I know who you are Zoey". The voice of an old man sounded even scarier today, it was like a voice of a beast from a horror movie.

The magazine I was holding fell to the floor. My palms started to sweat, my heart started to pound faster, I looked around frantically , maybe someone was speaking to me and maybe I didn't hear him well. But everyone on the train was either reading or sleeping. I felt scared, no I was more than scared, I was terrified. All the 'freaky' stuff has been happening to me for more than a week now, I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to tell someone but I new they would send me to a psychiatrist, and then they would lock me up somewhere in a medical center. But even if I tried to deny it, I knew it was all real, I knew I wasn't just imagining it. I wished it was all a dream, a bad nightmare from which I would wake up soon.

" I'll get you tonight...you're not who you think you are..." the voice said again. " I'm sending my men to get you...these are you're last minutes"

I felt a bump building up in my throat. Oh my... someones actually going to kill me. My eyes started to sting. The tears I was holding back all this time welled out of my eyes, they were warm and soothing, I couldn't stop them. My hands were shaking. Have I done something bad? Why would someone want to kill me? Someone I didn't even know.

"Love are you okay?"

An older woman with gray hair put her book down and shoot me a worrying look.

"You're pale white, do you feel sick?" I sat on my seat frozen with fear. I was thinking about death and how it feels, what happens after it? I knew the woman was speaking to me but I just didn't have the strength to answer her.

"Honey!?! Answer me, should I tell them to stop the train? Do you need and ambulance?" I looked at the woman, now I noticed I knew her, her pet is dad's patient. Dad is a veterinary and has a small ambulance on our farm.

"Sorry, I'm okay Mrs Rainald." I told her and tried to smile, she wasn't fully convinced but before she could say anything else the train stopped. I gathered up my things and hurried out before the train started to move again.

It was raining outside. The air was cool,I didn't have an umbrella, but that didn't bother me now. Apart from the rain hitting the ground, my breathing and my loud steps there were no other noises. There was no one out on the streets at this hour. There were ten farms around here in the Woodstock valley, spreaded apart from each other. I had that horrible feeling again that someone was following me and then I heard the steps, it could be someone I knew but I didn't stop or look around I just kept walking focusing on the full moon up in the sky. My heart started to beat faster. My blood was boiling and my breathing quickened. Suddenly I felt angry and frustrated with everything that has been happening to me for the past week.

What did I had to do with some-body's wantings for me to be dead?
"Leave me alone" I suddenly shouted out.

Hey I’m Amie and I’ll be your reviewer today

First thing’s first – your spelling! Straight away I can see three spelling mistakes in the first paragraph alone…

tomorow

aftera

originally

But these mistakes carry on into the following chapters also. Proof reading is extremely important!

Secondly, your paragraphs are too long. I used to write the same way but I don’t anymore. Short snappy paragraphs with short snappy sentences are much nicer and effective.

Avoid saying things like

Now I was walking

I am on my way

It sounds like a shopping list or something.

Also I’d start with a small piece of description before she speaks. Along the lines of…

I glanced over my shoulder to Kate and Holy.

“I’ll see you tomorrow guys,” I said.

Today was my birthday. We’d had a small party at my house earlier followed by a trip to the shops. I walked through the dark streets of East London on my way to the train station.

Obviously, this is just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about.

“highly annoying”

sounds out of place, I think ‘really annoying’ is more appropriate.

“For the past week I felt like someone was following me, watching my every step, sometimes things moved in my room without me touching them, and then there was this voice, I always heared a voice in my head, a voice of an older man.”

This is far too long. Be careful to not put commas where there should be full-stops.

It’s interesting though. Compelling! You just need to be more descriptive.

Hope this helps. If you need anything/have any questions just PM me! I’ll be happy to help you out anytime

Hello!

Welcome to YWS, hope you'll love it here

OK, first thing: dialogue punctuation! It's a little thing that seemingly might not have anything to do with the story itself, but it does. The best, most awesome story would be digging its own grave with bad dialogue punctuation. I'm a terrible explainer, so just check out any articles on the subject (there are a few on YWS too, I think). Also, usually, when someone new starts to speak - new line.

Typos and all that little stuff - pesky and annoying. Make sure your proofread

You start off with a complete family history - boring! What does the reader care, really, at the very beginning? Afterwards, some very intresting stuff happens, but that start is very dreary. It's an info dump! Does the reader truly need to know all those things?

Clearly this is a very emotional piece, and I absolutely loved the parts about how the characters feels - and of that I'd like to see more. In fact, less outside factors (so she is doing this, she is doing that) and even more of feelings. Let's take a look into her heart

Of course it's worth continuing!

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to improve this chapter and I'll surely continue to write more...oh and thanks for the critique everyone learns from their mistakes

okay, this was scary amazing stuff! I enjoyed, but I suggest you reread again, because I did spot a few minor mistakes that stuck out and slapped me in the face. OW! LOL. And I have to disagree with Esme I liked the family history. The way your MC feelings are expressed in this piece is spectacular. Well all in all it was okay,and good luck with it. Welcome to YWS and hope you become a success.

i know i'm not the best critique out there when it comes to technical problems nor am a major in English to say your wrong in this or that, i don't even speak English as my 1st language but dang! some of the spellings really kept my eyes squinting as i read your story, which by the way, is intensely good!! those errors kept cutting the suspense..!

with the story in general, it's good! you remember to keep the audience hanging, wanting for more... *thumbs up

i find this one a little off for the entire flow of the story,

Ikafe wrote:I felt scared and alone. I wanted to be a five year old again, hugging mum who would tell me that it was nothing, that I was just dreaming. I wanted to feel her warmth, her gentleness. How she would smile at me to make me feel better.

no need for this one since we already felt how scared and alone she was. less dramatic, better! at least that's my mix..

i'll be reading the next part now...

Hey I'm GothicButterfly, I would just like to say that I love this chapter! I can't wait to read more of it, so keep it up, because you're doing great!
P.S. Thank you again for your comments on Blood Tears, you rock!

these are you're last minutes"

Your and full stop at the end.

Oh my... someones actually going to kill me.

someone's.

her pet is dad's patient.

Dad's.

spreaded apart from each other.

spread.

What did I had to do with some-body's wantings for me to be dead?
"Leave me alone" I suddenly shouted out.

somebody's.

"Leave me alone!" I suddenly shouted out.

Alright so...

II. OVERALL

I don't have any glaring issues over this, but I felt you could definitely draw the tension out a bit more, it's too short to make much of an impact. As well as that, the whole idea of her being followed has been done before, why don't you try and find some angle or some detail that makes it totally yours?

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

its nice, i love thrillers. you had many eroors but the writers above explained them all. I hope you continue writting! i liked it alot, im an American so some of the errors that i thought of werent errors, because you write in British English. Over all it was great and continue typing and follow what the writers above me said.
Nike

Alrighty! Here's the first of the reviews I've promised you. Sorry it's taken so long. I have finals. >.>

The first thing I notice is that your punctuation is less than stellar. I'm not going to spend time pointing it out, however, since a lot of it is basic stuff that you should be able to catch yourself if you try reading this out loud (especially the run on sentences).

I hurried to the train station through the dark, cold, empty streets of east London.

Note the words I have in bold? There's three of them, and three is too many. You have fallen prey to the combined dread forces of adjective stacking and vague descriptors.

Basically, adjective stacking is when a writer uses a whole bunch of adjectives to describe one thing (streets in this case). In general, two adjectives are the most you should use, otherwise it becomes difficult to keep track of what these adjectives are describing, especially if there are multiple stacks in a single sentence.

Vague descriptors tend to go hand-in-hand with adjective stacking. Essentially, the issue with the words you used is that they are very general and not specific. Just how dark is the street? Is it "cast into deep shadow by stark sunlight" dark, or is it "dreary, rainy day overcast" dark? The same follows for how cold the street is (is it below freezing, or just an autumn chill). Generally, the more specific an adjective is, the stronger and more vivid the image your reader can come up with. Right now, I just have this vague, not even half-formed impression of shadowy platforms/alleyways.

It is end of September and the weather started to change rapidly. Today was my birthday.

Two issues with this: tense shift, and no transition between ideas. How does the change in the weather relate to it being the narrator's birthday? Also, you shift from present tense to past.

We had a small party at my house earlier followed by a trip to the shops. I have to travel back home by train because I live in the country side, on a small farm in the Woodstock valley, just outside of London.

Infodump. Also, why is information this important, and even if it is, do we need to know it right now?

I usually loved being alone but for the past week, I'd would rather walk with someone. For the past week I felt like someone was following me, watching my every step. Sometimes things moved in my room without me touching them, and then there was this voice. I always heard a voice in my head, a voice of an older man. I started to think I was going crazy.

Bolded phrase is a bit redundant. Also, brutal honesty time, you did a great job of making something that could be really suspenseful boring. A lot of it has to do with how the story and your sentences are currently set up. Your sentence structure is the same ("I verbed etc." "Noun verb etc."), and the start-of-story infodump didn't help create an air of suspense.

My suggestion: start the story off with action. Your (possible) first sentences: As I hurried through the empty London streets, my hands full of shopping bags, a pair of footsteps echoed behind me. When I turned around to see who was behind me, the footsteps stopped; no one was there.

Another thing you need to do is give us a glimpse into the narrator's head. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? Why does she ignore the mysterious footsteps?

One possibility: Maybe it was an echo? Yes, definitely an echo I decided when, as I started walking again, the footsteps returned, matching mine in perfect time. Still, the echo and the emptiness of the streets was eerie, and I hurried to the train station.

You can then introduce a little later on that the narrator had been hearing voices and had begun doubting her sanity when undeniably strange things begin happening. Drop details and hints here and there, but also be sure to provide plausible alternate explanations for them (except when there are no plausible alternate explanations). Basically, build up the suspense and tension so that your reader experiences some of what your characters are experiencing.

I felt scared, no I was more than scared, I was terrified.

I have pinpointed my main issue with your writing! You "tell" too much, and don't "show" enough. Compare, "I was sad" to "When my dog died, I cried." The first sentence is an example of telling while the second is an example of showing. They both get across the same information (the narrator was sad), but the showing example describes why the narrator was sad, and how they showed that sadness. Telling can be very effective, but if there's no variety and an entire story is told in telling fashion, it reads as very boring. This is the main problem with this story.

" I'll get you tonight...you're not who you think you are..." the voice said again. " I'm sending my men to get you...these are you're last minutes"

If this was supposed to be threatening and frightening, it fell flat. The ellipses overuse = melodrama, and melodrama = I cannot take it seriously. I suggest something shorter and more ominous like, "Enjoy your last minutes. My men will find you soon."

I looked at the woman, now I noticed I knew her, her pet is dad's patient. Dad is a veterinary and has a small ambulance on our farm.

The second sentence is unnecessary. If someone's pet is someone else's patient, it's obvious that the someone else is a veterinarian. Also, what kind of pet is it? Be a bit more specific with your details.

spreaded apart

The past tense of "spread" is "spread". When in doubt, dictionaries are useful things.

What did I had to do with some-body's wantings for me to be dead?

What? This sentence does not make sense.

"Leave me alone" I suddenly shouted out.

...And? That's it? That's a rather abrupt end to the chapter. There's no sense of closure or "something is just about to begin" - rather, you've got a "something is in the middle of happening but it got cut off for no apparent reason". I suggest, if you really must end the chapter so soon, to end it right when Zoey gets off the train. That way, the reader has a sense of "Oh. It's the end of the train ride (and of normalcy in Zoey's life)."

Overall, pacing and variety are the two things you need to work on the most. Less telling and more showing, mentioning details as they become relevant rather than infodumping them all in one go, and ending the chapter at a more natural pause in the action will all make this a much stronger piece. Brushing up on grammar also is a good idea.

Judging by the first chapter alone, this is not a story that I would read through. To be absolutely honest, I would have put this down after the first sentence (which was a run on) or the paragraph where you first told us about the strange occurrences (because it was infodumped, it read as pretty boring and cliche).