Leap of Faith

This is a piece I wrote about my first experience cliff jumping this previous summer, with my best friend at his cabin. Comments/critiques are much appreciated!


The boat pulls our two tubes at lightning speed, but as He jovially tries to push me off I feel distant and distracted. Just ahead I can see the cliffs rising, rapidly increasing in size like Jack's giant beanstalk. The pit that is forming in my stomach grows, but I try to ignore it as I let one last carefree laugh escape my lips. From the boat They yell, "NOW!" and I release my death grip on the tube and swim to the rocks. From down here the cliffs don't seem so high, and I hold tightly onto this comforting thought as we take off our lifejackets and being the climb. Like mountain goats we scamper up the inclined plane, the sharp rocks so worn down from the many previous adventurers that there is no need for shoes. We stop just before the top, and He smiles at me, putting on a competitive smirk- I can't help but wonder if He is remembering the time He first jumped. From the unseen boat, They yell at us to hurry up. I know that this will earn me a little respect, for although They may be older and love to flaunt Their "manliness" I have managed to keep up with Them so far, with clever retaliations to every joke and a few lucky athletic moments. This time though, it's not Them setting the standard, it's me. They have been sure to make multiple claims of Their previous impressive jumps, but I have no doubt in the fact that They are savoring the warmth and security of the boat. My mind briefly wanders back to the house, where Their dad awaits, probably eager to hear how I reacted to this initiation into his family.
A rustling breeze stirs the dust at my feet, and I realize that until this point I had been too detached to notice the wind chilling me to my bones, despite the August sun glaring on my back. We've reached the top, and the panoramic view of the lake, with all its little coves and beaches; the grassy hilltops, splattered with tiny cows; and the other boats, cruising merrily along the placid surface of the water both awe me and terrify me. I release my grasp in the hope that it is not that high because from up here I feel so nauseous from vertigo I hope to never leave sea level again. If He is reassuring me, I do not notice- I'm rapidly flipping through my mental Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide. Just two days ago, someone died falling off the neighboring cliff (aptly named 911), which was only 10 feet higher. There is no surviving death, and this agitates me, but at the same time the allure of rebellion elates me. The adrenaline courses through my body, and I realize I need to go. Now. He too though, has reached the same point of mental calm, and without even a countdown He launches himself over the edge, a beautiful bird floating on anticipation. The guttural scream that follows his descent not out of terror but out of narcissism. He's jumping, and wants everyone to know it.
The splash comes much after I thought it should, and as I bring myself to peer straight down, the pit in my stomach tears me apart. I am weak. I am timid. I don't have the same courage He does. I can't do it. I just- but then once again I hear Their rousing jeers and I realize that whether I can or can't, I have to. The desire to prove myself lights a fire in my belly, and spontaneously the image of the ONE person more important to Him than I am comes to mind, that of The Girlfriend. Although it's not a title I ever wanted, I know I have to demonstrate that I am just as worth of His attention as She is. Her looming presence is what drives my feet forward, and suddenly it's too late- the ground is missing, disappeared from beneath my toes. I close my eyes, and it's as if time has stopped. For three seconds I am suspended in eternity, in a glorious place of glee and satisfaction.
Impact is painful. The water which earlier seemed gentle and compassionate now enwraps me with hostility and malice. Despite this, I feel safe, knowing that I have committed this leap of faith and that I am- in a manner of speaking- invincible. I resurface, and the exaltation on my face is reflected on His, as well as a sort of pride. One of Them offers me a hand back onto the boat, but no words are needed when I see the acknowledging nod. Somehow They must be able to understand the personal battle I had just won, though I will never know if They had any clue of the role She played in it. Even more exhausted now than before, I curl up into His open arms and under the towels we sit in silence, appreciating each other and the leaps it took to bring our friendship even closer.

Indi here, and willing to do a review for you...

Spoiler

The boat pulls our two tubes at lightning speed, but as he jovially tries to push me off I feel distant and distracted. Just ahead I can see the cliffs rising, rapidly increasing in size like Jack's giant beanstalk. The pit that is forming in my stomach grows, but I try to ignore it as I let one last carefree laugh escape my lips. From the boat they yell, "NOW!" And I release my death grip on the tube and swim towards the rocks.
Space needed to make it look less cluttered.

From down here the cliff's don't seem so high. I hold tightly onto this comforting thought as we take off our lifejackets and begin the climb. Like mountain goats we scamper up the inclined plane, the sharp rocks so worn down from the many previous adventurers that there is no need for shoes. We stop just before the top, and he smiles at me, putting on a competitive smirk- I can't help but wonder if he is remembering the time he first jumped.

From the unseen boat, they yell at us to hurry up. I know that this will earn me a little respect, for although they may be older and love to flaunt their "manliness" I have managed to keep up with them so far, with clever retaliations to every joke and a few lucky athletic moments. This time though, it's not them setting the standard, it's me. They have been sure to make multiple claims of their previous impressive jumps, but I have no doubt in the fact that they are savoring the warmth and security of the boat. My mind briefly wanders back to the house, where their Dad awaits, probably eager to hear how I reacted to this initiation into his family.

A rustling breeze stirs the dust at my feet, and I realize that until this point I had been too detached to notice the wind chilling me to my bones, despite the August sun glaring on my back. We've reached the top, and the panoramic view of the lake, with all its little coves and beaches; the grassy hilltops, splattered with tiny cows; and the other boats, cruising merrily along the placid surface of the water both awe and terrify me.

I release my grasp in the hope that it is not that high because from up here I feel so nauseous from vertigo I hope to never leave sea level again. If he is reassuring me, I do not notice- I'm rapidly flipping through my mental "Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide". Just two days ago, someone died falling off the neighboring cliff (aptly named 911), which was only 10 feet higher. There is no surviving death, and this agitates me, but at the same time the allure of rebellion elates me. The adrenaline courses through my body, and I realize I need to go. Now. He too though, has reached the same point of mental calm, and without even a countdown he launches himself over the edge, a beautiful bird floating on anticipation. The guttural scream that follows his descent not out of terror but out of narcissism. He's jumping, and wants everyone to know it.

The splash comes much after I thought it should, and as I bring myself to peer straight down, the pit in my stomach tears me apart. I am weak. I am timid. I don't have the same courage he does. I can't do it. I just- but then once again I hear their rousing jeers and I realize that whether I can or can't, I have to. The desire to prove myself lights a fire in my belly, and spontaneously the image of the ONE person more important to him than I am comes to mind, that of "The Girlfriend."

Although it's not a title I ever wanted, I know I have to demonstrate that I am just as worth of his attention as she is. Her looming presence is what drives my feet forward, and suddenly it's too late- the ground is missing, disappeared from beneath my toes. I close my eyes, and it's as if time has stopped. For three seconds I am suspended in eternity, in a glorious place of glee and satisfaction.

Impact is painful. The water which earlier seemed gentle and compassionate now enwraps me with hostility and malice. Despite this, I feel safe, knowing that I have committed this leap of faith and that I am- in a manner of speaking- invincible. I resurface, and the exaltation on my face is reflected on his, as well as a sort of pride. One of them offers me a hand back onto the boat, but no words are needed when I see the acknowledging nod. Somehow they must be able to understand the personal battle I had just won, though I will never know if they had any clue of the role she played in it. Even more exhausted now than before, I curl up into his open arms and under the towels we sit in silence, appreciating each other and the leaps it took to bring our friendship even closer.

Grammar:The words underlined, I find are rather repetitive for one paragraph. You should really replace atleast one of them with the name of the person. Also you have to watch out for you commars. Their could have been twice as much fullstops then their was actualyl placed it, and also you place in capital letters where they are not needed. Most of the mistakes fixed in spoiler was becuse of this.

MC (Main Character): I was a little confused on the gender side, but still I felt the character had depth and meaning to them. Even the other characters, who's names I failed to register were well thought out.

Structure:I think it needed more paragraphs to make it look a little less clumped, and closed.

Overall: A great, aspiring story. I really liked and this it has a good motto.

Thanks Indi! The capitalization of "He", "She", and "They" were on purpose- as was the lack of names. I was just experimenting to see if this was an effective way of telling a story more focused on the emotions than the actual people. Grammar and punctuation corrections are appreciated, I'll keep a better eye out for them next time.

And just so you know, the MC is female!

I really liked this piece and I understood from the start that the capitalization of the pronouns was an intention on your part. I find this experimental writing great.

You brought out your emotions brilliantly, well done! Like Indi said concerning the paragraphs, you could try to skip a line after a paragraph which would help to make your work look less clumped, or alternatively indent your paragraphs.

Again like Indi said, this is a great story especially in the way it captures the anxiety that precedes a display fearlessness.