I'll Always Love You, but why ?

Whenever I see your face,
I die a little.

Whenever I hear your voice,
I cry a little.

This must be our story, a one we all love.

Or only one that I love.
I'll always love you.

I'm not sure what this is for I am not sure of myself.

Until now, but back then when I saw no stars in the sky,
night was just night, and now I wonder why I'll always love you...

You break and break my heart again when you leave.

Tearing away whole pieces of me.

From here to forever, I'll always love you.

Even though it may seen like I only see you in my dreams.

You have the only real part of me, even though you don't love me, I'll always love you.

But now my darling, my love, my soul even though you leave me, even though I'm cold.

I must say, I'll always love you, but why?

I like this, but it seems like it's lacking in rhythm on the last half. Maybe you could try to make all the lines around the same number of syllables or give it a rhyme scheme. Also, there are a few grammar mistakes.

I'm not sure what this is for I am not sure of myself.

Put a semi colon between 'for' and 'I' to make it a complete sentence.

Until now, but back then when I saw no stars in the sky,

Put a comma after 'then'.

You have the only real part of me, even though you don't love me, I'll always love you.

Replace the first comma with a semi colon, so this won't be a run on sentence.

Ah, the drama of a love poem. Your style reminds me of my own poetry from a few years ago. It’s good, and sounds pretty, but a bit over dramatic. A way to improve that worked for me in many cases, was to write the poem when you’re feeling more calm, and not so swept up in your own emotions. It comes out a little more maturely and objectively then rather than over-dramatic and cliche. (Because frankly, this is quite cliche. But I’ve written a dozen renditions of this myself, we’re all guilty of it.)

Anywho, the first seven lines are fantastic and lyrical. It’s when you get to “I'm not sure what this is for I am not sure of myself,” that it gets kitschy.

I know how you feel, and sympathize, but you have room to improve. Keep writing!

~Yoyo

I really just scanned over this, because it's just a basic O my goodness I love you, and there isn't anything new to it. You only use imagery in one part of the poem, and it doesn't fit because you only use it once. I think that you should add more imagery, and make it a story. If you are going to write a love poem them make us understand why you love the person, give details!


-Flower-

Um... I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit harsh. The first thing I noticed was how loaded this was with cliches. It felt so shallow, so unrealistic.... and I got nothing emotionally out of it. Not to mention the fact that the title/theme seems pointless. Why love if you have no reason to? It seems to me more like love in the sense of a childish, affectionate emotion, rather than some passion that stirs the heart and is powerful enough to be innovative with.

I suggest that you reinvent it completely or toss it. Sorry to be so hard, but I really think you can write better than this.

See you around.

–antimelrose

The above poster basically said everything I wanted to say, so I will leave it at this: don't be discouraged. Writing takes patience and experience. You mustn't get offended and sulky by what other's have said. The art of writing is, and always will be, a very difficult hobby... even when you are in college.

So here's what I like: the speaker gets that they're being screwed over, but they still have feelings for this person. That's cool. It's frustrating when people are blind to people who aren't good influences in their lives, but your speaker has their head on straight.

What I'm not as big a fan of is the way you expressed it. Say it some way that no one has ever said it before. Another huge thing is checking your work before you post it for minor typos and other issues. For instance, "Whenever I hear you voice, I cry a little." That's not the impression you want to make in the second stanza!

BUT, listen to those above me (and me too!) when we tell you not to give up. Keep writing, and trying new things, and figuring what works and what doesn't. Practice is the key. Good luck!

Hey. I did like the poem, but I think a lot along the same lines of the others. I do however want to say that I don't agree about what is said about the name of the poem. I find that it could be a great basis. It is like fallin in love with someone you never thought you liked, and wonder how this could be. But for what you have written, it needs fixing. But keep trying, and take in what the others have said. In past expirience, I have found that what people say may not be right to what you think, but how others read is different to how you write. You know what you are writing, but it is new to them. But keep writing.

I wasnt feeling this poem very much. It was to over dramatic, and overplayed. But keep writing.