Lost Time

If only the stars didn't have to say goodbye,
then the sun could close its eye and rest
from carrying this world through ceaseless time.
Maybe the moon would shine brighter
and the roiling sea crash harder to its home on the sand.
Maybe the harsh white-bloom of the city lights
would grow faint in their glory, pleading us
not to miss the night sky's beauty ere the evanescence of our being.
We could sail on eternally beneath the pointillism on our ceiling,
if only the stars didn't have to say goodbye.

Hannah is my CBF (Critiquing Best Friend) so I couldn't ignore her blog request. Hope you're enjoying the site, Adam!

not to miss the night sky's beauty ere the evanescence of our being.
We could sail on eternally beneath the pointillism on our ceiling,

This is a bit wordy and long-winded. It begins to sound kind of (for lack of a better word) pretentious, although that's not exactly what I'm looking for. Evanescence of our being? That conjures no image or emotion for the reader to attach to the line. Also, the word "ere" sounds a little like you're trying too hard!

Basically, these two lines don't have the effortlessness of the rest of the poem.

Title: Lost Time

"Lost Time" doesn't seem to accurately portray the emotion and theme of this piece. It's not about time that's lost, precisely, more like time that's simply nonexistent, that we can never experience. Constant star-cover. I'd suggest a title that explores the celestial, spacey feel of the poem instead. "Lost Time" doesn't do it justice! Too generic.

"If only..."

"If only" is a commonly used phrase and theme in poetry, and 99.9% of the time it comes off as cliched and unoriginal. Here, it's acceptable, but I do feel that you could make the poem stronger by removing the "if only". You can achieve the same wistful, wish-upon-a-star feeling with a more unique phrase.

Lastly-- why do the stars have to say good-bye? That's never explained. You tell us what would and could happen, but why can't the stars stay out forever? The rules of science, the rules of the world, right? You can incorporate a bit more reasoning into this to complete the image and round out the story.

So, overall, I liked this poem a lot. ^___^ I think you could afford to expand it and explore the concept a bit more deeply, but it's not really necessary. Best of luck, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hey burnt_marshmallows, KD here to review!
Very...mysterious. Here's one thing that is a bit odd:

burnt_marshmallows wrote:then the sun could close its eye and rest

burnt_marshmallows wrote:Maybe the moon would shine brighter

Huh? The moon can't shine brighter if the sun isn't shining.
Keep up the good work-

KD

Hi, baby. Here are some of my thoughts on the matter.

Now I'm not saying that poetry is ALL ABOUT the conservation of words, but I think that you can go through and cut some of them out, because a lot of them do nothing for the poem. Consider every word you use and what meaning it adds to the poem and if that's necessary. For example:

If only the stars didn't have to say goodbye,

Do you need the word 'only'? This isn't a question that's look for a 'correct' answer, just something to get you to consider it. What mood does only add? For me, this early in this poem, it doesn't do much. It could possibly be more intense later on and add a sort of desperation, but you'd have to work up to that. Consider taking this one out and leaving the last one for some sort of contrast.

then the sun could close its eye and rest
from carrying this world through ceaseless time.

I think that 'eye' is too weird, though it might make more sense. I don't know that it would make any difference if you said 'eyes'. Otherwise I think of the sun as having a smile and only one eye like an ugly cyclops. xD

Also, here's another point that you should consider. What did you mean to do by using the word ceaseless? I think that this section would be a lot more effective if you could give us some imagery to hold on to. If you meant the time to seem ceaseless like a flow of something, bring in a flowing image to give the reader something to grasp.

Maybe the moon would shine brighter
and the roiling sea crash harder to its home on the sand.

These lines seem a little bland in the way of imagery, and I think that has to do with the inconsistencies in the second line. Does the sea really CRASH onto the sand on a beach? I'd see it CRASHING onto a cliff, onto rocks that stick out of it, or something like that, but it GLIDES onto the beach and onto the sand. For this reason, I can't see the image here, and you need to fix it. 8D It might be that the image you had in your head was not properly translated, and I don't mean CONFORM TO AN EASIER IMAGE, but I DO mean try again to get the image from your head into words that are accessible.

Maybe the harsh white-bloom of the city lights
would grow faint in their glory, pleading us
not to miss the night sky's beauty ere the evanescence of our being.

I agree with Evi that the language here seems sometimes archaic and breaks up the feeling in your poem and makes me want to maybe stop reading or at least ignore it. Try to keep the language consistent. Furthermore, you already have an image of white: the moon. If you want to connect them, I'd expand on them just the slightest bit more to make it clear they are connected. If not, perhaps find another way to describe the lights. I like the imagery that comes with '-bloom', though. But even THAT is not consistent with 'harsh'. I'd like to know what the lights are pleading, too. xD Can't get to that under the language.

We could sail on eternally beneath the pointillism on our ceiling,
if only the stars didn't have to say goodbye.

I would take out 'on eternally'. I guess the imagery of the sea makes the action of 'sailing' attainable, but if you want us to picture an ETERNAL and STRETCHING sea, you need to put it in different words.

Consider something I learned recently:

Someone mentions a ceiling fan in their poem and you picture their room from the top down, something very spacious. Describing someone sitting in a chair doesn't give the same feeling of space. To have that feeling of space in your poem, you have to find a view point or an image that gives that to us instead of trying to slip it in with a 'big word' like 'eternally' or 'forever'. :3

Let me know if you have any questions~

I LOVE YOU!

-Hannah-