My TenYo Poem- Please Help Me!!!

4 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 15914
Reviews 204
I wrote two with the same topic, but I don't know which is better or if they should be meshed together. Tell me what you think.

Spoiler
Tenyo is my fishy who is deceased.
He’s also a British fellow who is my friend on YWS.
He eats Dolly mixtures that are far too sweet
and Ramen in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep.
He gives good advice to people who are in need.
He’s a friend to people like you and me.
Whenever he enters,
you hear the screams of ecstatic chatters (even if it might just be Bella and me),
because he’s a guy who likes to make people smile.
Behind that screen is a kid with a kind heart.
He can do eighteen press ups in fifteen secs,
‘cause he’s cool like that.
Though he’s turning twenty this Friday the sixteenth,
he’ll always be a teen at heart.




Spoiler
Till 4am you’ll see him here,
smiling at you,
a beloved friend.
He uplifts spirits of those distressed,
and he helps others solve conundrums in life.
As reliable as the sun rise
is his diet of ramen.
Though descended from Liverpoolians,
there’s no trace of their criminal pasts.
His only crime is eating dolly mixtures,
eating things far too sweet for him.
But that’s okay,
because he’s a beast.
He can do 18 press ups in 15 sec.s,
while staring at YWS chat.
Who is this congenial British fellow?
It’s TenYo,
the one with the light yellow text.
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 62375
Reviews 315
Hey, just from a quick skim read, I can tell that TenYo makes for a very interesting person! However, because he is so interesting, I'd suggest breaking up his separate bizarre-aspects to make EACH one count a lot more, and be all the more intriguing - kind of like giving us time to digest each, you know? Try not to list everything, and maybe dwell on certain aspects of his character as the poem progresses - and maybe think about deleting some other, not-as-intriguing aspects for poetic purposes.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1460
Reviews 4
You are absolutely right. Why didn't I see this before? TenYo is a great person, yeah it might be only you and me but we're cheering him on aren't we? :)




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 15914
Reviews 204
:) Bells :)
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(



Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson