Unbalanced

Haven't written anything for a few months so its probably awful. But thats where you come in right?

Unbalanced
~
Chemistry in springtime, slatted sunlight steaming through the classroom blinds
And clouds gather on the horizon, shaded and huddled, like conspirators
as solutions of chlorine and bromine,
cloud and cream in their clamped test tubes
this afternoon I’m at melting point, volatile, an unbalanced equation.
my feeble body can’t contain this reaction
judging me should be the last of your worries
as you’re the one who either jams or jumps the gun
too eager to use others to rely on yourself
and I’m just a leverage,
a stepping stone sinking under your weight
overpressure
I’m cracking from the inside out
shattering beneath you
if I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

That. Was. An. Immediate. WIN - yeah!!!

I loved it - it was arresting, and different - oh, and great title, by the way (I thought I might have to critique some terribly emotional poem about feeling unbalanced - then I realised it was chemical reactions, too - OH HO, PUNNY!). And I'm a sucker for putting science into a poem, so I like it all the more. I actually am not too surprised that you have not written anything for a while - clearly that creativity has been simmering underneath the surface for quite some time - and you'll be on a roll in no time.

Chemistry in springtime, slatted sunlight steaming through the classroom blindsAnd clouds gather on the horizon, shaded and huddled, like conspirators
as solutions of chlorine and bromine,
cloud and cream in their clamped test tubes

This was heartbreakingly beautiful. 'Chemsitry in springtime' - I mean, I don't enjoy chem as much as I like phys or bio - I think it's too tasteless, myself; but this really made it come alive and dance off the page. 'Slatted sunlight steaming' - one of thoes words has got to go. I love the sibilance, but I think it should be used in moderation - in this case, with so many 's' words clamouring for attention, I think that my eyes just slur over that bit, and I don't realise that they're in a classroom at all! I vote for 'steaming' to be removed - it's pretty enough without it.

The 'clouds gather on the horzon' bit was not particularly inventive; I'm sure you can do better - but I thought it became more interesting in the cute, snuggly way you described them. However, as sweet as it sounds, I wonder why you're describing the external imagery - I mean, surely, they're not paying any attention to the clouds, of all things, are they? I imagine you'd be able to come up with a stunning line for some imagery related to inside the classroom, too, actually. And I felt 'cloud and cream' was a bit much (firstly, you've used 'cloud' too many times) because the 'cream' makes it sound like the halide soln's are edible; which they most certainly are not; and I would probably stray away from using food-oriented description in the chem lab. Makes my stomach do back flips just thinking about eating in a lab .

this afternoon I’m at melting point, volatile, an unbalanced equation.

Hell, yeah! A perfect line - and somehow, I don't mind at all that you're being so literal with everything - 'I'm at melting point, volatile, an unbalanced equation.' That was brilliant.

my feeble body can’t contain this reaction
judging me should be the last of your worries
as you’re the one who either jams or jumps the gun
too eager to use others to rely on yourself
and I’m just a leverage,
a stepping stone sinking under your weight
overpressure
I’m cracking from the inside out
shattering beneath you
if I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

Okay, if there was anything that didn't click as smoothly, it was this part. Let me think...(and if I have to actively put my brain to this, that means you're probably not clear enough - or that I'm excessively tired ).....who is judging who? If they're in a chem lab, the only person I can imagine judging is the teacher - since no other character has been introduced. So...I'll guess that it's a chem experiment/practical test. But I don't get why the teacher'd be the one who'd 'jam or jump the gun' - what??? (I'd assume my hypothesis is totally wrong, then).

I don't get it - in the context of chemistry, I mean. Of course I understand that feeling you're trying to get across perfectly in the last part of the poem - a feeling of being under pressure, shattering under pressure - stress, emotional anxiety, whatever. But in the context of chemistry, which you have used as such a perfect metaphor till now, it makes little sense. Where does the chemistry come in? And...being under pressure is different to being unbalanced - so how are these two different concepts meant to be tied in together?

Oh, and just a last note - I have major issues with your structure. The lines are all different sizes, which looks weird. They look...holy moly...they look unbalanced- okay, forget what I said - KEEP THEM. In any other circumstance, I'd say even it out, neaten them, but in this case it fits perfectly with the theme. Or...if you did want the poem to look nice on the page, you could always have stanzas as opposed to lines of different sizes - and that way, it'd be aestheically pleasing and it would get across the 'unbalanced' idea a lot more.

Thank you for the marvellous read. And PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS - I'm terribly curious about this poem, and how tightly it is meant to be strung together - I want to see it in all its glory. I really enjoyed this, and if you write any more poetry...PM me. I would love to review it.

Hey I loved it!
Maybe it's because I am a chemistry student myself! But, yeah its really great! I think you were being slightly modest when you said it's probably rubbish! I like the title -unbalanced- extremely smart I also like the "chemistry in springtime" guessing its a metaphor. I loved your choice of words maybe at the end ..

I’m cracking from the inside out
shattering beneath you
if I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

.. you could day your cracking like a conical flask

and also here:

a stepping stone sinking under your weight
overpressure

you could say that your reaching your boiling point rather than "overpressure"

that's all my thoughts! There probably rubbish , but anyway bye