Theseus and the Minotaur

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An evil king there was, in Crete

Who, when the Athenians he did beat

Demanded in tribute that eighteen youth

Nine girls and nine boys, in truth

Be given and fed to the Minotaur

A dreadful creature, fangs and fur.

Every nine years, a boat would sail

Full of Athenians, proud and pale

To the distant Island of Crete, so far

To be fed to the Minotaur.

The king of Athens was not pleased

It rent his heart when these children were seized

He wept bitter tears as he sat on his throne

It seemed that he heard their dying groan.

He had a son, a handsome boy

His great old father’s pride and joy.

Once, as the boat came, demanding its prey

He came to his father, and this he did say:

“Father, send me. I’ll go to Crete

This hideous monster at once to defeat!"

The king begged that he would keep to Athens

And not go haughty to evil beasts’ dens.

He stood up straighter, and promised the king

To kill this great beast, have it tooth, fist, or wing.

The great man consented, consented at last

He saw the boy mount and climb up the mast

He knew that the right thing was done by his son

But he wished ‘twas not his that was the brave one!

The ship it set sail, and flew o’er the seas,

On a friendly, but a bloodthirsty breeze

The black sail in place, just as the Prince swore

(It was to stay if he returnéd no more

If Theseus victorious returned

The white sail of triumph instead would be turned.)

They reached the Cretians very soon

Some of the girls were fain to swoon

But Theseus, sturdy and handsome and strong

Soon calmed their fears and proved they were wrong

He told them that he would be going in first

If he returned not they would know the worst

But if he came back, then the monster was dead

And then would they free their country from dread.

His disembarked first, with his head held quite proud

His eagle black eye scanned the malicious crowd

His fine head of hair and his handsome attire

Caught the eye of a princess of the Empire

She loved him, they said, from that moment on

And resolved to help him ‘fore the bloody red dawn.

The captives were chained and taken away

They were to be eaten before the next day!

The princess of Crete (Ariadne her name)

Followed the guards to where Theseus was chained.

She leaned through the window, and whispered soft

“Theseus, prince!" On the ground from aloft

She dropped these items on his dungeon floor

A short handled dagger, as good as a sword

And a long ball of golden thread, tied up with care

She softly and silently put them there.

“The building in which the Minotaur lies

Was built by the great wizard, Daedalus

You cannot get out, once you have got in.

Tie the end of this ball to the first wall within;

Then unwind it slowly wherever you tread

When you’ve reached the centre, kill this Minotaur dead!

Then follow the leading of the silken cord

Till you’ve reached the entrance, then home to your lord!”

She said it quite swiftly, in an undertone

Then quickly she fled, back to her home.

He swore that he’d take this beauty unseen

Back home to great Athens, and make her his queen!

Meanwhile things other than courtship he tried

The guards came as soon as the last sunlight died

And swept him away the beast’s winding lair

At the mouth of the Labyrinth, they left him there

The prince had no fear; no, he hefted his sword

And began to unwind the gold silken cord

To the edge of the Labyrinth, he tied it with care

And plunged into the maze, with unusual dare.

He stopped after hours; he’d smelt such a smell!

The most awful that any one’s ever heard tell

It stank in his nose, as he headed on in

He realised the smell was of bull’s foul kin.

At last, in the centre, he encountered him

As broad, and black, as the stories grim

He drew his dagger; held it high

And monstrous was his battle cry

“I am come, you Minotaur!

I have traveled from afar

To seek you in your maze like hive

We both shall not leave alive!”

The monster gave a mighty roar

Eager, he, for blood and gore

But the prince was ready for this leap

His dagger he drew, he drove it deep!

They circled, once, twice, one attacked

The princeling with his dagger hacked

The giant with his jaws and force

The battling was crude and course

A strike—a struggle—the prince was struck

But he was saved by pure luck

For as the Minotaur sprang to sup

He tripped and sprawled—Theseus leapt up

Long they grappled, and hard

From miles away, the frightened guards

Heard the sound of their terrific fight

Of tooth and jaw and sword and might

Finally, the victor stood

Theseus, his oath made good!

He retrieved the golden ball of thread

And for the entrance he did head

Fierce pride was in his noble face

The pride of the whole Athenian race

Victorious he marched, rewinding the thread,

And sang of victory and the brute dead

At the entrance he stood proud

And lusty his youthful voice and loud

He called out, “Victory! The Monster is slain!

Your hateful man-eater, deathly bane,

Lies cold and dead, at this very hour

Before Theseus he did cower!”

He discovered the Athenian seventeen

Who lay in darkened cells unseen

He set them all free, every one,

This youth, the conqueror, the king’s son!

Away they stole, but forgot not

Ariadne, princess, for whom he’d fought.

But alas! With bitter the sweet is alloyed

The good prince forgot, in his mad joy

The black sail of death, flying over his head

When the king saw the ship, he thought Theseus dead

From a high mountain crag he leapt

Glad to go where Theseus slept.

The kingdom mourned, even in its joy

For dead was the man, though alive was the boy

And Theseus, returning to home

Cast his tearful eyes up to heaven’s proud dome

“Though dead is the beast, yet misery lives

O, God, with my triumph, tragedy gives!”






*Author's note--I've tried to abbreviate this a little, and I've made some rhythm alterations. The last line is an imitation of format in Homeric and Platonic translations, where the multiple gods were referred to in singular. :)
Last edited by Mrs Elizabeth Darcy on Tue Apr 27, 2010 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Gosh - that was so amazingly long! But of course, you are telling a story, and so you are perfectly entitled to make it that long. :D

Usually, I'm not a big fan of rhyming poetry. But here, it worked really well, because it gives it a really kingdom-storyteller kind of a feel. I liked the way the story panned out - conflicts resolved, and interesting characters, plus quite a 'classics' focus. My only concern was the rhythm which, truth be told, should have been absolutely perfect, but it wasn't. This disrupted the flow a lot, and prevented me from reading the lines better.

I'd recommend reading everything aloud and listening to yourself read it, in a natural iambic rhythm without forcing any words to be unusually contracted. Then, you'll see which lines do not 'click' as easily with each other. It's all a matter of wording - if you find the first line in a couplet is perfect, but the second is too long; either rephrase the whole couplet to get the same message across, or toss in another couplet to space out the idea a bit more.

Hope that helps! And good to know that people are still writing old-fashioned poetry for the fun of it!




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Oh look, a retelling of a myth in (almost) epic poem format with (struggling) meter and (somewhat forced) rhyme. Like an acoustic cover of Bob Dylan, this lacks imagination. Also, did you know that after Ariadne saved Theseus' life, he stranded her on some deserted island? Yeah. He dumped her on an island and sailed away. What an asshole.

Anyway, I think your poem has potential, the form can be cleaned up, but literally the only thing that happens is you retell the myth. Snoretry!

Here's some things that are interesting that you should read that will help: Read "House of Leaves," by Danielewski (it won't be apparent at first why, but you have to be patient with it) Also, check out "Ariadne Auf Naxos" if you can find a translation.
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Hey, KD here to review. I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, but, er, I'll give this a shot.
I think you had a strong start, but I started to drift off towards the middle of this. It got a bit boring. This all would be much better if you could simplify it more.

Mrs Elizabeth Darcy wrote:O, God, with my triumph, tragedy gives!”
At that time people had multiple gods. I think it would be nicer if you could use one of the gods worshiped back then instead of 'God'.

Hope I helped! Keep on writing-

KD
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quite a good poem i'de say, the rhyme scheme seemed to work quite well.

the problem i had was the length of the poem, it really was too long, but you were telling a story so it is kind of ok, but i would try and shorten it though as it does get a bit boring. also the rhyme scheme seemed to loose it's rythm in some parts.

but it was a good poem and was based on something well known and you did pull it off, but you really do need to shorten it if i'm honist.
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"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare