Pain

This was written by a friend and she wants to know how people like it, so i told her i would put it on here.



The sky is dark
The ground is cold
I feel so alone
No one to hold

I feel like dying
Or just disappearing
My friends try to help
but they keep on fearing

Fearing i will shoot
stab, slice, or cut
Fearing i will never
get out of this rut

I want him so badly
and no one can see
What this pain
is really doing to me

This whole poem is just really cliche. You should try being more specific, and definitely think of a better title.
Also, you should put punctuation in it.

Fearing i will shoot
stab, slice, or cut
Fearing i will never
get out of this rut

Capitalize the 'i's.

I want him so badly

Who is 'he'?
I think you could improve a lot on this poem.

Not that I judge a poem by its title, but I think a better title is definitely in order. I'd recommend having a look in 'All Community Forums' for 'Tips for Young Writers' - in this forum, there is a thread on writing emotional poetry, which seems to explain the issue perfectly.

I'd like to mention that rhyming does not work in this case. Not all poems need to rhyme, and the ones that do generally tend to be more bouncy, happier. Not fitting for something of this sort. And the language used needs to be more figurative and less direct. It's too literal right now, so actually means very little to me. Clich is a word that sums it up nicely. But...there is no reason why your friend cannot write a totally new poem on the topic of emotional pain. Think about a metaphor. Compare the pain to something else - externalise it, and in doing so, make it more accessible to us. Or rather, just write a whole free vers poem-story in which something is happening and make the beautfully described incident poignant and powerful in some way - give it some significance. By stating the facts, the poem actually comes across more bland than the topic.

Hello there!

As for my point of view... I like your poem. It was short and very emotional.
But one thing: Why is the girl feeling pain at all? Is it because she was broken hearted?

I think you need to be more specific about the narrator of the poem. That's all.

Keep writing!

Peace out!