The Boy That Had Dreaded All Tomorrows

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Gender Female
Points 975
Reviews 2
The melancholy boy walked down the street,
His life condemned to sorrow
Another life that was monotonous and incomplete
For the boy that had dreaded all tomorrows

Other boys walked beside him
Encumbered with the same fate
And with emaciated limbs
Some dropped to the ground, never reaching the gate

The gate was tall and notorious
For keeping all those boys inside
But the boys were finally victorious
For they had looked on the bright side

The war was over
The Jews were free
One four leaf clover
Under the bitter red and black tree

And then there was me
A Nazi
Filled with apathy
Now having to pay a large fee

For what I have done to these boys
For all that I have destroyed
And that one boy
And that one boy
One of the boys who made it through

Him with brown hair
I with gold
Him with a cold stare
I with bold

Although we were very different
We were much the same
Him with a stiffer scent
I with softer claim

A common father
I used to know that boy so well
Before our family was bothered
With splitting up and saying farewell

Now I am bestial
He is an angel, celestial
The boy walking on the street
His face dirty yet sweet

Walking in front of him
The sage of the group
His face an emblem
For the morale of the troop

Even after the innumerable deaths
These boys seek their pious leader
They catch their breath
To God, they plead

I know what they’re thinking
And what they ask him for
Water for drinking
And to be robust, as before

I was standing by watching them walk
When the boy caught my eye
It felt like a reverie and I wanted to hide under a rock
He ran toward me and I wondered why

Suddenly, I was embraced in a interminable hug
The boy with his arms around my waist
It was then that I felt the guilt of being such a thug
It was then that I felt imperceptibly disgraced

My compatriots made a farce
To them, it was an abominable act
To them, Jews were meant to be scarce
They had tried to make that a fact

But I wrapped my arms around the boy
Disregarding all of the other men
Which the boy seemed to enjoy
I knew because he smiled and whispered, “Amen”

He did not lament for people lost
He was not cynical for what I had been apart of
He was merely exhausted
He simply thanked God above

All the other men around me, devoid of emotions
Annihilating Jews was their only devotion
And then there was me
I had done the same things but the difference was that I could see

I could see that it was wrong
I could see that it was accursed
I was only strong
Out of them all, I was nowhere near the worst

I was blamed
I was shamed
My brother would survive
He would thrive
I would not




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1254
Reviews 387
Under the bitter red and black tree -- The rhythm on this line is awkward in the stanza. Perhaps “red-black tree” still gets it across while keeping it more in sync?

And then there was me
A Nazi
Filled with apathy
Now having to pay a large fee -- Your rhythm just keeps falling apart more... you were doing so well up until this point.

For what I have done to these boys
For all that I have destroyed
And that one boy
And that one boy
One of the boys who made it through -- Where did the rhyme scheme go? Get rid of one of the repeating lines. It doesn't do anything for the stanza.

Walking in front of him
The sage of the group
His face an emblem
For the morale of the troop -- This is better. I don’t see how any of the stanzas between this one and the last one I quoted add to the poem. Your rhyming and meter are both gone, and the message is lost.

Overall, this needs a lot of work but I see a lot of potential in it. You start off with great rhythm and ABAB rhyming, but you lose that through the middle, and it never really picks up quite as well again. I say, get rid of that awkward, abstract middle stuff and work on fixing the ending stanzas and you’re on your way to something great! Keep writing!

~Yoyo 8)
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