Animalsim

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Animalism
It is the year 2387. Animal Humane Societies, such as PETA and SPEAK, have taken over. The world is ruined. Roles have been reversed between animals and humans; the animals now live like kings while humans struggle to survive. We are a secret society known by few and joined by fewer. We are called The Harbingers, The Merchants, The Apocalypse, along with many other names people give us. There is a group of the elite inside our society. They call themselves The Night Angels; specializing in assassination. There are only three members and no one knows any of their names. They call themselves Justice, Mercy, and Vengeance. We as a whole try to take out some of the top leaders of the government in hopes of trying to restore people to homes instead of gutters. We have one member who is different; an observer you could say. He works in The Barn; one of several homes to animals. His name is Berthold.
Berthold was walking down the hall; on his way to feed his “clients.” He didn’t know why they called the animals “clients.” They didn’t even pay for staying in The Barn; the government paid for them instead. But it wasn’t his concern; he was just doing his job. He proceeded until he came to Madame Click. Madame Click was a chicken who clicked instead of clucked. He entered her room, rang the bell, and bowed.
“Madame Click, your afternoon repast is ready,” proclaimed Berthold. Madame Click exited her domain, a quaint, padded tower, made to look like a castle.
“Today, Madame, the chefs have prepared you a special treat,” said Berthold enticingly as he laid it before her. “Escargot with birdseed pudding for dessert.”
Madame Click examined it critically and decided she was too good for it; turning up her beak and walking back to into her tower.
“Fine,” declared Berthold. “I shall leave it here and if you, Madame, wish you may eat it cold. Good day.” Berthold stormed off.
Everyday, always the same thing; Berthold thought; I show up to Madame Click’s compound and present the elegant meal. She snubs it and I leave it, but when it is time for the next meal and I show up, the platter is licked clean. I swear, she does it just to infuriate me.
Berthold proceeded on his rounds to the rest of his clients. By the time he finished it is 1700 and it was time for him to go to the kitchens and pick up the dinners for all of his charges. Berthold sighed and dragged his feet to the kitchen. The one day that holds at least a little bit of surprise and fear for him. The night he reports to The Merchants. Berthold hurried through his rounds and was done by 1830. The meeting began at 2000 and Berthold still had to prepare and then hustle if he was to get to the secret meeting that he still didn’t know the location of.
Berthold strolled up to his room and took a shower. He finished getting his notes together when he saw quick blur. He paused, turned around, and saw nothing. He disregarded it and went back to organizing. Another blur, this one closer. Berthold started to sweat a little. He checked all around the room but made one error. He didn’t check above him. As soon as he returned to his notes a black shadow dropped from the ceiling and quickly knocked him out. The figure dressed in black picked up Berthold’s unconscious body and threw it in a black bag. It proceeded to pick up all of Berthold’s notes, handling them with utmost care. The figure jumped out of the window with Berthold and Berthold’s notes in tow.
The figure all but disappeared in the shadows of the streets as it made its way towards the wharf. It reached the dock where a houseboat was tied up. The figure leapt aboard and started up the engine, which was unusually quiet. The houseboat zoomed off as the figure checked its watch.
“Snap. I’m running late. Justice will not be pleased,” it muttered. “I only hope Mercy can control Vengeance.”
The boat rushed on and about a half hour later a mountain came into view. The boat drew closer but didn’t slow down. It rushed right through the mountain without crashing for the mountain was really just a hologram. The boat proceeded down a narrow tunnel, dimly lit by torches. Berthold was waking up. He could hear the crash of the waves on the rocks and smell the salt in the air. Berthold realized he was trapped in a bag. He started to struggle, trying to free himself, and felt himself falling. Berthold screamed as he felt the icy cold water rush into the bag.
“Aw man!” shouted the figure in black as it dived into the water.
It swam down, grabbed the bag, and struggled back to the top. It heaved the bag containing Berthold onto the deck of the boat before jumping up. It untied the bag and a soaking, coughing Berthold crawled out.
“Wh…Whe…Where am I?” sputtered Berthold.
“Hey,” said the figure. “You all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, but where am I?” spoke Berthold, rather daftly. “I have to be…some place at 2000. What time is it anyway?”
“It’s 1945. You’ll make it there on time. I promise you that.” said the figure eerily. “Follow me or will I have to knock you out again?”
“You did what?” Berthold said, shocked. “When was this…” He fell silent at a glare from the figure. “Of course, of course, I’ll follow.” He said getting to his feet.
The figure led him down a dark tunnel.
“In here,” the figure said pointing to a door. “Here are your notes; you’re going to need them.
Berthold took the notes wordlessly and proceeded through the door. Berthold looked around and gasped. He was in a large, ornate hall with thrones lining the walls. These thrones were filled with people dressed completely in black. The figure in the center spoke.
“We apologize for this…inconvenience, Berthold. The location for this meeting must be kept secret at any cost. I am Justice. On my left is Mercy and on my right is Vengeance. We are here to hear your report. Proceed.”
“Um...well, yes of course,” stammered Berthold. “Well your Excellencies, it took some time but I think I might have gathered some very good information. I took me about three weeks and…”
“Get to the point.” Vengeance said abruptly.
“Yes, yes, of course. My apologies. Anyway, tomorrow a high ranking government official is coming to the barn to inspect our caretaking. He will be arriving at precisely 0800 and leaving at 1300. Now what I think is…”
“We see,” said Mercy, speaking for the first time. “We thank you for this information but your opinion is unneeded.”
“Yes, I realize that, but…”
“Silence!” thundered Mercy, throwing a knife so it landed in the wood next to Berthold. “Here is what will happen. You will take that knife, and when the official from the government comes, you will stab him. Just be sure that the wound is fatal. That is all. You may leave.”
“But wait, I…” Berthold stammered, the words dying in his mouth as Justice, Mercy, and Vengeance glared down at him. “Very well.” he stammered weakly.
“Good,” said Justice, voice rolling like the waves of the sea. “Outside is your escort. You will be blindfolded and drugged upon leaving, but we will make sure you get back to The Barn safely. Remember Berthold, do not fail us.”
Berthold turned and exited through the door. Outside a man dressed in black was waiting for him with a blindfold.
“Sorry about this,” he said. “We have to ensure the secrecy of this location. You understand. Now if you can turn around so I can blindfold you and if you would please swallow this pill. Don’t worry. It’ll only knock you out for about an hour.”
Berthold complied, swallowing the pill with ease. About five minutes later Berthold found himself getting drowsy. Berthold passed out and the man carried him carefully up the gangplank and started the boat. The ride back to the mainland went quite smoothly and the man deposited Berthold in his bed like nothing had ever happened.
When Berthold awoke he wasn’t sure if last night really had happened. Then he reached into his pocket and felt the knife. It had been real all right. This was the day he had to kill the government official. It was already 0900 and his rounds started at 1000. He had an hour to find the official and kill him without anyone seeing him. He leaped out of bed, left his room, and started down the hall. He acted like he was going down to the kitchens when he spotted them. The official, two bodyguards, and the head of The Barn. Berthold could not believe his luck. He pulled the knife out of his pocket and crept up behind them. He then froze. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. He’d never killed anyone before. A knife whizzed right past Berthold’s ear and hit the official in the small of his back. Berthold whirled around and saw a figure in black standing there.
“Heh. We didn’t think you could do it,” scoffed Vengeance cockily. “I followed you here to finish the job. It’s a shame we have to lose such a valuable person, but you just aren’t up to snuff.”
“What do you mean? What are you going to…” Berthold stopped midsentence.
Vengeance was gone as if he had never been there. The only things that were evidence of him ever being there were the knife in the official’s back and the knife in Berthold’s chest.




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Have you ever watched the show Look Around You?
Because the same narrator with the same English accent was reading this in my head.

Um. So! This was interesting. Well, the plot was. I like the idea of things going
haywire with things such as PETA. I thought it was a little odd though that you changed
point of views (POVs) in the first paragraph, and then again throughout the rest of
the story. Beginning: first person, middle and end: third. Which is it?

There are things I want to point out for no reason really, other than that I thought were a little funny and made me laugh:

He proceeded until he came to Madame Click. Madame Click was a chicken who clicked instead of clucked. He entered her room, rang the bell, and bowed.


I've never heard a chicken click! Who knew!

And:

“Good,” said Justice, voice rolling like the waves of the sea.


Doesn't he/she remind you of that guy in ---coincidence--- a black robe in Star Wars that always looks around kind of creepy and says 'good'...

There weren't any spelling or grammar errors that I saw? So thumbs up on that! The one thing I had a little problem with is the time lingo. I don't think everyone reads in army-time and it would be more simple to write two o'clock or 2:00 or something else instead. Plus, shouldn't there be colons in it if you are using army-time?

For example... 13:00. Like that?

I liked your character and dialogue throughout the story (even if most of it was in an English monotone). Berthold seemed English, Vengeance seemed like he/she was always growling, the person that brought Berthold seemed to have a sassy attitude because of saying things like "Snap" and the such. My point is that I think you did a good job portraying your different characters different personalities!

This was pretty good and very entertaining.
Keep writing!

-katharine
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar




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This is a very interesting premise indeed! I'm guessing you have some bad experience with one of the organizations you've mentioned?
I think you could have explained a little more about how all this all happened at the beginning there; it feels kind of random, if you know what I mean. How is it these organizations have reached the entire world? What happened that led up to this? If humans are so desecrated in this alternate future, then who decides how the government is run, and who is actually apart of it? These were some of the questions I came up with that I think you should consider. :) Keep it up, I'd like to see what happens.

Also, I got a feeling that the character of Mercy is based off another character from somewhere else. (Clever allusion.) :smt001 Is he?
Winter sun catches, dog fox through thin hedges;
throws his long shadow north, to the emptiness.




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Your idea is fascinating!
You brought out your characters' personalities well, and your dialogue is lovely and natural.
One thing, though:
zorbak5044 wrote:The official, two bodyguards, and the head of The Barn. Berthold could not believe his luck. He pulled the knife out of his pocket and crept up behind them.

I think you could have brought more suspense at this point - perhaps to fool the reader further into thinking Berthold will kill the official - though this is probably just a matter of personal taste. :)

Overall, this is a brilliant story! I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work x3
... Unless it's a farm.




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I felt like I was reading a overview of a movie, rather then a story.
Seriously. Your story is all "this happened, then this happened and then this happened." and you haven't left any room for description. Slow down! Take the time to elaborate on your scenes, rather then having to be in a rush to tell the reader everything.
Your paragraphs are very awkward, too. It feels like your grabbing a fistful of sentences and chucking them all together without any thought behind them. Remember: paragraphs are allowed to be 2-3 sentences long.
In fact, if your paragraphs are too long, you will lose the reader's attention and the plot becomes boring.
The only thing I liked was this:
Madame Click was a chicken who clicked instead of clucked.
Loved the alliteration. :)
-Maddy
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The whole thing was kind of weird for me. It didn’t feel anything made any sense. I really don’t see how PETA would make everyone in the world slaves to animals, including themselves. I mean, PETA’s more about harmony, and not worship.

The fact that chickens need people to take care of them seems odd because chickens can live sufficiently on their own, and don’t exactly need people to make special meals for them. And how do the animals communicate with the humans? They can’t talk.

And it just gets weirder from there. Kidnapped, and then taken through a holographic mountain, which leads to a hidden palace.

I mean, your writing was good, but I just had a hard time reading it because it got so crazy. It’s definitely an interesting situation, but I can’t really believe it.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



I wondered why we put villains in our stories when we have plenty of them in real life; then I realized that maybe we wanted stories where the good guy wins.
— nogutsnoglory