Kyerra

4 posts
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emmymcrawwr
Gender None specified
Points 1308
Reviews 4
Sat Apr 17, 2010 1:10 am
emmymcrawwr says... · Sat Apr 17, 2010 1:10 am
Your sweet, you know, you really are.
Your brown hair, blue eyes that always see the good in me,
They help me through the agonizing hours of ridicule I live in.
You understand me, with my quirky ideas, and stupid theories.
You love me, and look past my horrible morning breath.
You adore me, even with my messy bedroom.
You are my best friend, even when there are others who treat you better than I.
I am not worthy of your kindness, or your forgiveness, nor your beauty.
But I am grateful that you chose me, obliged that you took me in as your own.
Our friendship was impulsive and random, odd to say the least.
But coincidentally, it blossomed into something still odd, but filled with love.
Some might call us peculiar, because we hug and hold hands, but they have no idea how amazing out friendship is.

I love you Kyerra(:
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Navita
Gender Female
Points 62375
Reviews 315
Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:28 am
Navita says... · Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:28 am
Heya - Kyerra, the character (or the person) and the narrator (you, perhaps?) certainly have an intriguing relationship, and I think it would be better if you dwelt for longer on specific aspects of it, rather than listing them all in one big go - it's kind of hard for us to digest it all like that, if you get what I mean. And think about structure a little bit more - play around, experiment! A poem can have a totally different feel just by changing the structure of it. Currently, it's quite 'heart' oriented - I reckon a bit of reader-distancing is in order for us to appreciate it all the more. Give it some subtlety, SHOW us what you mean, rather than telling us; put some imaginative lines in there (come up with some metaphors for each aspect of Kyerra), and it'll do wonders! Hope that has helped :D.
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ireylcadence
Gender Female
Points 4813
Reviews 51
Sat Apr 17, 2010 11:26 pm
ireylcadence says... · Sat Apr 17, 2010 11:26 pm
This is a very sweet poem, to say the least. It's also very readable, another good thing to have.

First, just to nit-pick a little: In the first line, the "your" should "you're". Just a grammar thing, no biggy. ;)

This poem, while it does express how much you love your friend, seems a little bit like a rant, maybe something you'd post on their Facebook wall. I'd add more description into the lines, such as when you say:

our brown hair, blue eyes that always see the good in me,


Elaborate on that description, go past the basic "brown" and "blue".

I wish you luck on your writing.
The wittiest thing is the simple truth.
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Sins
Gender Female
Points 44360
Reviews 1087
Sun Apr 18, 2010 12:11 am
Sins says... · Sun Apr 18, 2010 12:11 am
Hey there :)

This poem was really sweet! I especially like the layout of it.

You're sweet, you know, you really are.
Your brown hair, blue eyes that always see the good in me,
They help me through the agonizing hours of ridicule I live in.
You understand me, with my quirky ideas, and stupid theories.
You love me, and look past my horrible morning breath. This made me giggle!
You adore me, even with my messy bedroom.
You are my best friend, even when there are others who treat you better than I.
I am not worthy of your kindness, or your forgiveness, nor your beauty.
But I am grateful that you chose me, obliged that you took me in as your own.
Our friendship was impulsive and random, odd to say the least.
But coincidentally, it blossomed into something still odd, but filled with love.
Some might call us peculiar, because we hug and hold hands, but they have no idea how amazing out friendship is. Aww... sweet


Like I said before, this poem was really sweet!
Although, I do have to agree with what ireylcadence said when she mentioned the idea of posting something like this on your friends' Facebook wall. It seems to suit that kind of thing better.

Even though I think this, I still really liked your poem. It sounds like my and my best friends friendship actually! One thing I did notice though is that you tend to use commas an awful lot. All you need to do is just get rid of them here and there. :wink:

If you want another review from me, just ask in my Will Revie For Food Thread!

Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
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4 posts


But sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a person who is in the process of changing.
— Dalinar (Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson)