Goodbye

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This is the second thing I've posted here. I realize it's pretty short, but it's a start, and I wanted to see what you thought of it.

Hoarse shouts of the movers overlapped the guttural rumble of the moving van, diesel reek blending with the soft smell of the apple tree. They sat below it, his back resting on the rough bark , she cradled in his arms. Her smooth forehead lay against his neck, and she could feel his pulse, his heart beat with the hand she lay on his chest.
“I don’t want you to go,” she said, her broken voice clear. The crying had stopped, for now.
“I’ll come back. I promise I’ll come back.” He said.
“How do you know?” She looked up at him, broken blue eyes rimmed in red, her makeup in dark streaks down her cheeks. He brushed a strand of wavy blonde hair out of her face, tucked it behind her ear.
“Because no place else is home.”
His parents were inside the two story whitewashed house, walking through the rooms, making sure nothing was forgotten. The movers were packing the last few boxes of odds and ends into the full truck.
He looked down at her, her ocean blue eyes, her button nose, her long jaw, her pale lips. He could feel it in his heart, as if a piece was breaking off, staying here, while he tried to imprint her face in his mind, etch it behind his eyes. He kissed her then, frantically, desperately, one hand pressed to the side of her neck, the other arm cradling her still. She turned, her hands tangling in his hair, pulling him closer.
“Jake! We need to go!” His mom called from the driveway.
She started sobbing, frantically gripping him, his t-shirt bunched in her white knuckled fists. “Don’t leave me. You can’t leave me.” She cried.
“Sierra…” He couldn’t breathe. He sat there, holding her, tears coursing down his cheeks. “I can’t live without you. I don’t know what to do,” he said, his voice breaking.
“Come on! We’re leaving!”
“I love you.” She looked up at him, staring inside him. “I love you.”
“Sierra I love you. I’ll come back.”He said. “I promise. There’s nowhere else I can go.”
In the driveway a car honked, the grating noise cutting through the air.
“I have to go.” He stood, pulling her to her feet. Arms around her, one hand at the small of her back, the other between her shoulder blades, he kissed her, hard, channeling all his sorrow, his despair, his happiness, his love, his emotion, his heart into her. One hand on the back of her head, he pressed her face to his, kissing her hard. Releasing her, he stepped back, grabbing both of her hands in his.
“I love you, Sierra.” He said, and turned and walked away, toward the gravel path leading from the garden around the house. Waiting until he had turned the corner, she dropped to her knees, her face in her shaking hands, her back heaving with the sobs that wracked her body. Her chest, her heart, the air in her lungs, felt raw, empty, like something wasn’t there anymore. Like something had just walked away.
She lay on her side, her knees to her chest, staring at the blurry blades of grass rustling in the wind, behind it the white-gray gravel path snaking through the yard, the white slat fence, the pale green house on the other side. Something dug into her back, a tree root, but she ignored it, tears running down her nose, falling into the dirt.
Finally, she stood, brushed the dirt from her white shirt and jeans, and walked around the house. When she got to the front she stared blankly at the empty driveway, the gaping windows. Her chest ached, as she realized he wasn’t here anymore, wouldn’t be here anymore, and she turned and left.
The aroma of fresh cooked spaghetti sauce leaked into the hall as she opened the door of her family’s 2 bedroom apartment. She walked past the kitchen, dropping her coat beside the table.
“Are you okay?” Her mom said, turning from the gurgling pot on the stove. Sierra said nothing as she walked into the bedroom she shared with her sister.
“Sierra?” Her mom stood in the doorway, concern in her deep brown eyes and her pursed lips.
“He’s gone.”




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Well, I don't normally venture into Romantic Fiction, but I saw that you had no reviews yet! :wink:

As always, I'll get the nitpicking done first:

Hoarse shouts of the movers overlapped the guttural rumble of the moving van, diesel reek blending with the soft smell of the apple tree. They sat below it, his back resting on the rough bark , she cradled in his arms. Her smooth forehead lay against his neck, and she could feel his pulse, his heart beat with the hand she lay on his chest.
“I don’t want you to go,” she said, her broken voice clear. The crying had stopped, for now.
“I’ll come back. I promise I’ll come back.” He said.
“How do you know?” She looked up at him, broken blue eyes rimmed in red, her makeup in dark streaks down her cheeks. He brushed a strand of wavy blonde hair out of her face, tucked it behind her ear.
“Because no place else is home.”
His parents were inside the two story whitewashed house, walking through the rooms, making sure nothing was forgotten. The movers were packing the last few boxes of odds and ends into the full truck.
He looked down at her, her ocean blue eyes, her button nose, her long jaw, her pale lips. He could feel it in his heart, as if a piece was breaking off, staying here, while he tried to imprint her face in his mind, etch it behind his eyes. He kissed her then, frantically, desperately, one hand pressed to the side of her neck, the other arm cradling her still. She turned, her hands tangling in his hair, pulling him closer.
“Jake! We need to go!” His mom called from the driveway.
She started sobbing, frantically gripping him, his t-shirt bunched in her white knuckled fists. “Don’t leave me. You can’t leave me.” She cried.
“Sierra…” He couldn’t breathe. He sat there, holding her, tears coursing down his cheeks. “I can’t live without you. I don’t know what to do,” he said, his voice breaking.
“Come on! We’re leaving!”
“I love you.” She looked up at him, staring inside him. “I love you.”
“Sierra I love you. I’ll come back.”He said. “I promise. There’s nowhere else I can go.”
In the driveway a car honked, the grating noise cutting through the air.
“I have to go.” He stood, pulling her to her feet. Arms around her, one hand at the small of her back, the other between her shoulder blades, he kissed her, hard, channeling all his sorrow, his despair, his happiness, his love, his emotion, his heart into her. One hand on the back of her head, he pressed her face to his, kissing her hard. Releasing her, he stepped back, grabbing both of her hands in his.
“I love you, Sierra.” He said, and turned and walked away, toward the gravel path leading from the garden around the house. Waiting until he had turned the corner, she dropped to her knees, her face in her shaking hands, her back heaving with the sobs that wracked her body. Her chest, her heart, the air in her lungs, felt raw, empty, like something wasn’t there anymore. Like something had just walked away.
She lay on her side, her knees to her chest, staring at the blurry blades of grass rustling in the wind, behind it the white-gray gravel path snaking through the yard, the white slat fence, the pale green house on the other side. Something dug into her back, a tree root, but she ignored it, tears running down her nose, falling into the dirt.
Finally, she stood, brushed the dirt from her white shirt and jeans, and walked around the house. When she got to the front she stared blankly at the empty driveway, the gaping windows. Her chest ached, as she realized he wasn’t here anymore, wouldn’t be here anymore, and she turned and left.
The aroma of fresh cooked spaghetti sauce leaked into the hall as she opened the door of her family’s 2 bedroom apartment. She walked past the kitchen, dropping her coat beside the table.
“Are you okay?” Her mom said, turning from the gurgling pot on the stove. Sierra said nothing as she walked into the bedroom she shared with her sister.
“Sierra?” Her mom stood in the doorway, concern in her deep brown eyes and her pursed lips.
“He’s gone.”


"She cradled in his arms": sounds better as: "as he cradled her in his arms".

"broken blue eyes rimmed in red": you've already said broken once and it doesn't really sound right describing her eyes, "rimmed in red" is perfectly fine for the description.

"mom called from the driveway": I suppose it would probably break the flow of the story, but some sympathy from the guy's Mum? She seems a bit heartless to not express any emotion while her son is professing his love to a weeping girl opposite their front lawn?

"2 bedroom apartment": Just a small personal gripe of mine. Always use the proper word versions of numbers, at least when you're writing. Especially as you used "two" earlier on and suddenly switched.

Anyway, good work with this. It'll be interesting to see where you go from this.

Keep up the good work! :)
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Hey Ken, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Hoarse shouts of the movers overlapped the guttural rumble of the moving van, diesel reek blending with the soft smell of the apple tree.


diesel reek? Also, this is wonderful description, but is it a good opening line?

“I’ll come back. I promise I’ll come back.” He said.


Confused about dialogue punctuation? Here!

Alright.

II. OH, HOW ROMANTIC

Sometimes, I can be a thoroughly unromantic soul. Especially in cases where two perfect people are perfectly in love and never want to leave each other because their lives are so perfectly perfect, but they must for reasons beyond them.

Who really cares?

Human relationships aren't like that. Human relationships are full of odd quirks, weird ways of doing things, and yes, life sucks, but we deal with it in human ways. Your characters at the moment are acting like two characters in a cheap paperback romance. Some people swoon over them. The rest of us are just bored.

Characterisation is a big part of it. Right now, you have Jake and Sierra. We have no idea what age they are, how long they've been together, what they're both like, if they'll ever see each other again. They're just names and faces. We want people! After that, we want their relationship to feel realistic too. Are they going to see each other again? Not visit, not text? This is the twenty-first century, after all. Are they just going to cry and be beautiful tragic characters?

Try and make the whole thing more human. That means getting off the high romantic horse and finding silly things to put in there too. Our first instinct when we see someone we love crying is to try and make them happy. So why aren't they doing that too?

I'm waffling now. Basically, make them real people.

III. OVERALL

You write nicely, I'm just not buying it.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hey there! I must disagree with Stella. I thought that it was realistic. I could relate. Just because it is the 21st century doesn't mean that it doesn't feel like the end of the world when someone you love moves away. I liked it, and I just have to say to Stella, "Where's your heart?"

I thought it was a lovely peice, and I loved it. *Hits the like button* Keep writing.

-youreit
I smile, because I'd rather have laugh lines than a perma frown. :)




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Gee, you almost have me in tears here!
Its so emotional.
But you are giving to much info dumps...
You are describing things that aren't necessary...
But I still find it moving though...
Very sad.
I would like to this made into a story.
keep writing... you are really good at it

~Smexx




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Points 9561
Reviews 77
This story is very emotional and i wonder, where was the inspiration from? Anyway. I liked it. In fact, this is one of the times where I wish there is a 'love' button. It gave off the exact right amount of emotion it needed. Leave this as is. If you make it into long story it will ruin the wonder, will he come back? Yeah I like it the way it is.

Kudos

Biffle
Literally whatevr



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