A new home, A new Love ( ch 4)

The next morning, after Rebecca introduced me to her class, the two Hatstat sisters seemed in a incredible mood. While we were stretching I asked Rachel what is up.

“Oh, May Bell, it’s so wonderful! Judah is coming home early! I can’t wait for you to meet him! Oh, I missed him so much!” She bent back into a bridge and swung her legs in the air over her body and went into standing position. That reminded me of my best friend Sally, the ultimate gymnast.

Yet I did feel happy for them, they missed Rachel’s twin, Judah, so much. I remember him once, when we were little, he pushed me into the river. He used to have a crush on me. But we are over it now. We were young, foolish and small.

In class we went over ballet, jazz and hip-hop. Next week we will do ballroom, tap and creative dancing. At the end, Rebecca announced that the Maine dance contest was taking place on Mount Desert Island. The class of twinty-three cheered and clapped.

As we walked home, I couldn't help but ask what the big deal was. “ Oh, it’s spectacular! What happened is that all the dance schools gather up and do competition, and it goes through 5 rounds, one per week, and then if you win, you go to New England then the USA! And then the winners get to be on TV! Ellen, Oprah, and all the news channels!”
Rachel told me, and she sounded like a librarian, or a ELA teacher. But I guess that happens after a life time of home school.

Later, as Rachel and I ate lunch at a picnic in Acadia park, we saw several buses pull in one a road we could see from the top of the hill we sat apon. “ And that’s where the competition starts,” Rachel announced.

Later, having super, we saw on the news, some prince from a small island in Europe came to America.

“ I don’t get it, why is someone so warped up over this one 8 year old?” I asked. “ What is he doing going to Disney? Not like he’s tall enough to ride any bumper cars or anything?” The Hatstats laughed.

“ I proud to announce that Judah will be home tomorrow by lunch!” Daisy exclaimed and the table clapped and cheered. I did notice the new empty seat next to me. I couldn’t wait to re-meet this kid.

That’s when we heard the chopper.

post652841.html#p652841 = intro







post652869.html#p652869 =ch 1







post654200.html#p654200 = ch 2 p1







post654804.html#p654804 = ch2 p2







post655535.html#p655535 = ch 2 p3







post656605.html#p656605 = ch 3 p1







post658132.html#p658132 = ch 3 p2







post659320.html#p659320 = ch 4 p1





post660304.html#p660304 = ch 4 p2

Hello! I'll be reviewing your piece today. Here's a few nitpicks that I found:

The next morning, after Rebecca introduced me to her class, the two Hatstat sisters seemed in an incredible mood. While (lower case w)We were stretching I asked Rachel what is up.(I would use what's up here, instead of what is up.

I thought this first paragraph was rather good!

But I did feel grand for them(I don't really like starting sentences with 'but', but it's okay. I can't really see why 'grand' is in that sentence. Do people usually say grand in your story?), they missed Rachel’s twin, Judah, so much. I remember him once, when we were little, he pushed my (me, not my) into the river. He used to have a crush on me. But we are over it now. We were young, foolish and small.

In class we went over ballet, jazz, (take out that comma) and hip-hop. Next week we will do ballroom, tap,(again, take out the comma) and creative dancing. At the end, Rebecca announced that the Maine dance contest was taking place on Mount Desert Island. The class of 23 (I would write out 23) sheered and clapped.

As we walked home, I couldn't help but ask what the big deal was.

As Rachel and I ate lunch at a picnic in Acadia, we saw several buses pull in one a road we could see from our hill.

Hmm. This sentence confused me.

“ And that’s where the competition starts.” Rachel announced.

Take out the period and replace with a comma.

Later, having super, we saw an announcement about some prince from some island in Europe came to America.

This has one some to many.

OVERALL

I thought this was rather good. I can predict that the mc is going to be meeting this prince, but I'm not sure. Well, hope this helped!
winie*

Corrections, suggestions and comments are all in red.

callmeLily73 wrote:The next morning, after Rebecca introduced me to her class, the two Hatstat sisters seemed in a incredible mood. While we were stretching I asked Rachel what is up. Hmm.. what is up? Maybe it could be changed to "What was up."

“Oh, May Bell, it’s so wonderful! Judah is coming home early! I can’t wait for you to meet him! Oh, I missed him so much!” She bent back into a bridge and swung her legs in the air over her body and went into standing position. That reminded me of my best friend Sally, the ultimate gymnast.

Yet I did feel happy for them, they missed Rachel’s twin, Judah, so much. I remember him once, when we were little, he pushed me into the river. He used to have a crush on me. But we are over it now. Try not to begin a sentence with "But." Sometimes it is almost unavoidable, but it doesn't look right. We were young, foolish and small.

In class we went over ballet, jazz and hip-hop. Next week we will do ballroom, tap and creative dancing. At the end, Rebecca announced that the Maine dance contest was taking place on Mount Desert Island. The class of twinty-three cheered and clapped.

As we walked home, I couldn't help but ask what the big deal was. “ Oh, it’s spectacular! What happened is that all the dance schools gather up and do competition, and it goes through 5 rounds, one per week, and then if you win, you go to New England then the USA! And then the winners get to be on TV! Ellen, Oprah, and all the news channels!”
Rachel told me, and she sounded like a librarian, or an E.L.A. teacher. But I guess that happens after a life time of home school.

Later, as Rachel and I ate lunch at a picnic in Acadia park, we saw several buses pull in one do you mean on? a road we could see from the top of the hill we sat apon. “ And that’s where the competition starts,” Rachel announced.

Later, having super, we saw on the news, some prince from a small island in Europe came to America.

“ I don’t get it, why is someone so warped up over this one 8 year old?” Split that into two sentences so that her statement is seperate from her question. I asked. “ What is he doing going to Disney? Not like he’s tall enough to ride any bumper cars or anything?.” The Hatstats laughed.

“ I proud to announce that Judah will be home tomorrow by lunch!” Should it be, "I am proud to announce that Judah will be home.....? Daisy exclaimed and the table clapped and cheered. I did notice the new empty seat next to me. I couldn’t wait to re-meet this kid.

That’s when we heard the chopper.

post652841.html#p652841 = intro







post652869.html#p652869 =ch 1







post654200.html#p654200 = ch 2 p1







post654804.html#p654804 = ch2 p2







post655535.html#p655535 = ch 2 p3







post656605.html#p656605 = ch 3 p1







post658132.html#p658132 = ch 3 p2







post659320.html#p659320 = ch 4 p1





post660304.html#p660304 = ch 4 p2

It was interesting, although I havn't actually read the rest... It is quite well-written.