Rhiannon's Nightmare

Alright, so this is based off a character I'm working on. It was just a spur of the moment thing, so don't expect excellence.

Dark red petals of a dark red rose,
Crimson droplets on that same dark rose.
They remind me of a dream I long forgot,
A dream with branches less whole than rot.

Real and unreal, it is all the same,
Because I hear them calling my name.
"Rhea! Rhea! Rhea!" The last lone tear,
And the shrieks grow, enveloped by fear.

I, the dreamer, lay fallen and torn,
So with tears in my eyes, I mourn.
The drops fall to fill the gray,
And on the floor so spotless, deep red now lay.

Edited on 4/12/2010.

I love it~!~

This is so fluent and it makes me want to read it over and over again!
You are very talented!

Keep writing
~SMexx

I liked this poem a lot! It is very emotion stirring. One thing is the repetition in the first two lines. I like repetition, but I don't think it works here. I also love the rhyming. It seem effortless. Although, when you say, "With tears in my eyes, I do mourn." I think it might be more fluent if you omit the "do".

Other than that, this is a very good poem!

Dark red petals of a dark red rose,
Dark red droplets on that dark red rose.

The "dark red" is redundant here. =p It adds extra words, you know? Not as concise as it could be.

"Rhea! Rhea! Rhea!" The last lone tear,
And the shrieks grow, enveloped by fear.

The dream lies fallen, the roots torn,
With tears in my eyes, I do mourn.

There isn't a lot of transition between these 2 stanzas. When I to the "The dream lies" part, I was like wait what? When did we get to a dream? You may want to make that a little easier on the read, the transition, that is.

Other than that, I like your imagery and the words usen. <-- New word?

And for your rhyme, I didn't even notice it.

Hi,

I like your use of couplets here, and this is written in a compelling style.

I like "A dream with branches less whole than rot", and stanza two.

I think "I do mourn" sounds a bit awkward.

"The drops fall to fill the sheer gray" is a great image but the rhythm is a little bumpy. I'd try "The droplets fall to fill the gray."

The last line sounds a bit awkward as the syntax is a little twisted. Maybe try;
"And on the spotless floor, red (insert one syllable word) now lay" of omit "now" and sue a two syllable word.

Hope this helps,

Jas