sully: camera obscura (01) - (UR)

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

"You are such a jerk! Did you know that, Devin Sullivan?" Britney's pale, index finger jabbed my chest defiantly. "Sir Jerk-A-Lot!"

Not that I'm confused, but you kind of switched meanings around here. The first 'jerk' you used was meant for scolding people. The second 'Jerk', to me, was talking about the jerking action. i do get what you're trying to say here, but from an grammatical point of view, it isn't correct.

That was the only mistake I found, however that may not be the only one. If you want, you can go edit it again but I see no reason for it, as most people would not really bother much about it. I like the story, the part about a huge muscular guy being a bit of a girly is actually quite amusing.

Good luck and keep writing, bye!

I really enjoyed the story, the main character was interesting and funny to read, as were the other characters I'm interested to see where you will take this!

Heya Comrie

Here are a few things I noticed:

101

Should be a hundred and one

But, no, unlike the other lucky bastards out there either playing Wii, screwing a girl, or surfing, I was there getting my ear drums pounded on by a very, high-pitched tone.

Surely if the other lucky bastards are out there surfing or whatever, you should be here getting harrassed

Tons of things I'd rather be doing, but since I'm not doing any of that ton, I better end this fast so that I can

In this sentence, your peice goes from past tense to present, and then back a few sentences later. I would consider fixing that.

I mean, I just got done with screwing the cap off of Britney just 10 minutes ago.

This guy isn't very nice, is he? Haha, anyway, it's meant to be ten, not 10.

Britney turned _______.

How about scarlett? That's darker than red, but still very redified and a cool word all round.

Britney Hall is finally out of my life with her drama, her wacky friends, and her over sized mouth that's just as big as her head. I couldn't help but smirk about that over sized mouth part about her

This is an incident where you've muddled up your tenses again. The first sentence is in the present tense, and the second sentence is in the past tense. You should make the first sentence past by saying Britney was finally out of his life.
Also, the last sentence in this quote makes no sense at all. Maybe change it to: I couldn't help but smirk about her over-sized mouth ?

which to my great dissatisfaction: he caught

That should be a comma, not a colon.

His dark, brown hair matched mine completely, but the only different thing between me and Evan—besides our age—was our eyes. Mine was a dark, hazy gray and his was a vibrant, cheerful blue. His eyes match his personality perfectly, which drove me nuts.

There are a few things wrong with this sentence. First, there shouldn't be a comma between dark and brown. Second, Devin should be saying what colour his eyes were, not was. And then the last sentence had slipped into present tense again.

then why on earth do you go after them and waste their time when they think that you like them for them and not for their A-S-S? You're so complicated!"

Okay, this is a little comfusing. Are you trying to put emphasis on the wors ass, or is he literally spelling out the word? Because if you're just emphasising it then you should spell the word normally and put it in italics rather. Also, I don't understand why Evan would say that Devin was complicated. Firstly, it's not a very guy-like thing to say in the first place, and it seems to me that Devin isn't very complicated at all.

The guy's huge; he works out 24/7, seeing him home is rare, really—

Should be guy was, worked out, and seeing him home was rare.

Innocent? Britney Hall had exactly 0% of innocence running through her slutty veins.

** By the stars lower down.

I swung a jacket of mine

My jacket?

If I outrun this dog, I'm definitely stopping for Pizza—which at the moment, while listening to my stomach roar in hunger, seemed like a pretty good idea.

Should be outran and I was definitely.

Characters
Your characters are coming along nicely. You can tell exactly what type of guy Devin is, and I like that it's very clear he doesn't give a shit, even though it makes him a complete ass.
Evan is seeming a little too girly, but I understand how hard it is to make a guy seem sensitive rather than girly. You go from making him appear butch and serious, to totally wimping out and saying something really, well, wimpy. He's the older brother, right? Make him seem that way. He doesn't have to talk to Devin sensitively to seem sensitive. Just the fact that he's confronting Devin about how he treats girls - rather than egging him on - shows that he's sensitive. It's all a case of showing and not telling.
I think maybe you've introduced too many characters who aren't important in the first chapter? Like, who is Christopher really? I think there's just too much going on for you to introduce him when he isn't really necessary for the story right now.

Tenses
You really need to watch this. You go from past to present tense all the time in this piece. I know sometimes it's hard to realize you're doing it, but when you read it it's very noticable. Since this is a journal, I suggest you write it in the past tense. It's not that hard to change a few is's to was

**Showing, not telling.
This is one of the many examples where Devin has replied to, or given his opinion on what the other person is saying without actually saying it. It is pointless to say Britney was a slut to the reader. There is a much better chance they they're going to remember Devin telling Evan what he thinks, rather than him telling his journal. You do this a lot. It's also very perterbing for the reader to have dialogue interrupted in between every line by what Devin is thinking. Either have him say these things out loud, show what he's thinking in his actions towards Evan, or leave all these thoughts for a later paragraph where he reflects.

Overall
Overall, I think this is a good piece. It's a little bit cliched but sometimes those can be the best reads. Sometimes I'm wrong with my critiques, but try pay attention to them and I promise you you'll see the improvement.

Good luck and always keep writing

~^~Xirenia~^~

thanks for the help, penNpaper! i also thought that that sounded kind of weird, but waited to see if someone else thought so too. i changed it, and i hope it sounds (and looks) a little better than before. thanks fizza, your comment made me smile. and thank you, xirenia, for pointing that out! i really wasn't sure about my tenses. like if they were past, if some were present-- ahh! i'll be sure to revise!

-julie (: