Chapter 6 - A Flicker
“Hello,” Mom called from the kitchen as I entered the house, “Dinner’ll be ready in twenty.”
“Yeah, whatever,” I mumbled and dragged my feet up the stairs.
Overall it had been a horrible day. Started bad, got worse, picked up for half a second and then cliff dived into hell. I couldn’t understand how I’d actually told Leigh about Blakely or Jay, but especially Dad. How had she gotten me to do it? She was either incredibly lucky or an amazing shrink. I’d never expected her to be any good at her job, but now I had my doubts. Either way, something had to be done. I couldn’t slip up like that again, no matter how angry I was.
I curled up on my bed and closed my eyes. It would be so much easier if this day just disappeared from memory. I didn’t need an idiot to fight my battles, and I didn’t need some bimbo to listen to my life story. In fact, I had all I needed, and that was my memory. Whoever said you shouldn’t live in the past had no clue what they were talking about. When I put myself in that place I was happy, and there’s nothing wrong with that, right? Sure, it was the short-lived, painful sort of happiness, but that’s better than no happiness at all.
If I focused hard I could make a happy memory last for a while. If I tried enough I could stop someone from dying at the end of it. Very few of my memories weren’t connected to death, and those rarities were probably dripping with some other negative emotion. But my memories were still all I had, and the sadness they brought was a price I could pay.
My mother is the scariest woman I know. I used to think she had some sort of emotional disorder because she bounced in and out of normalcy so frequently, it was impossible to predict which personality she’d have in the morning. It was one of two extremes: The concerned mother, or the bitter widow. I had no idea who she’d be when I woke up, but I knew the second I saw her face. I used to think she was bipolar, but I understood now that she just really missed my dad.
“Dinner, babes!” her voice travelled up the stairs. It was clear that she was in a concerned mother mood. It could have had something to do with the fact that it was pay day, but maybe she just felt like caring.
“So, how was your appointment today?” she asked, delicately cutting her chicken. She’d started calling my shrink visits ‘appointments’. I knew it was just a euphemism she’d come up with to not upset me, but I’d have preferred it if she just faced it for what it was. Calling them appointments made them sound like continuous visits to the doctor for some disease I had. My sickness wasn’t one any doctor would cure.
“Yeah, it was fine,” I lied, shoving my fork into all of my food, but not really eating any of it.
“Fine,” she echoed, smiling stiffly. “And school? Made any new friends?”
Theo’s smiling face wriggled its way into my mind. “Nope,” I replied.
“Oh,” she said, “well, you only just got back. I’m sure things will turn around in time.”
“Sure,” I agreed, both of us knowing I didn’t mean it. “What about you? How’s work?”
She seemed surprised that I asked, and only answered after swallowing her dainty mouthful. “Having a bit of trouble on the Turner case. You’ve heard about it on the news, right?” I nodded. “Yeah, well, I have nothing against saving the planet, but the environmentalist community is making my job extremely difficult.”
“Oh,” was all I said, staring at my peas until they blurred into one.
“Not hungry?” she asked after a moment. She was trying extremely hard to hide the strain in her voice.
“Not particularly.”
“There are healthier ways to lose weight than not eating, baby,” she said. My fork crashed into the plate with an ear-splitting shriek.
“I’m eating,” I growled through gritted teeth.
“You really don’t need to lose weight honey,” she said again like I hadn’t heard the first time. “If anything, you should put on a few pounds.”
“I’m not trying to lose weight,” I almost shouted.
“You must have lost a good ten pounds in the last month alone.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. “Well, I wonder what could have caused my sudden lack of interest in being alive.”
“Don’t speak that way,” Mom said softly, shutting her eyes.
“I would give my life for theirs in an instant,” I said smoothly, but hesitated before I said the rest. “And, please, don’t be coy with me. You would trade me for Dad if you could.”
Her eyes bulged and she stammered. “How can you say that?”
“I don’t blame you,” I said calmly, standing up. “I would hate me if I were you too. At least we’re on the same page.”
She was completely silent as I stacked my untouched plate by the sink and tiptoed up the stairs.
I fell onto my bed and screamed into my pillow after that. I screamed until my throat raw and the noise came out in sporadic bursts of pain. I hadn’t ever done this before, at least not for any specific reason. And it didn’t really help at all.
God, things had been going so well with Mom, considering. And I had to go all self-loathing/I-know-you-hate-me on her. It seemed my capacity for screwing everything up had no limitations. It wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t implied that I was anorexic. I’d overheard enough bathroom gossip on the subject to freak out like that.
It happened after lunch that day actually. I was inside a cubicle, blowing my nose, when two girls walked in, already talking in hushed tones on the subject. I identified them as Zara and Holly, two girls from my English Lit class who I hardly ever spoke to.
“I really don’t know what to think of her anymore,” Zara said as a tap turned on. “When I heard the name Rory Lovett a year ago I associated it with bubbliness and light. And that huge camera of hers that she used to take everywhere. Have you seen her with that thing lately?”
The tap turned off. “No,” Holly said quietly. “I don’t know what to think either, Za. Whenever I see her it’s like I want to run away. I don’t know if I feel guilty, or sorry or if I’m just scared. But God, it’s like she’s a zombie or something.”
“Yeah,” Zara exclaimed, “like a zombie. And you won’t believe what Amy Lane told me just now,” there was a pause and shuffling of feet. When Zara spoke again, it was in a whisper. “She told me that Rory is anorexic, like, for real. She doesn’t eat.”
“And you believe that?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Think about it,” Holly said. “Amy is Theo’s girlfriend. Theo is obsessed with Rory. Make the connection?”
“Theo is not obsessed with her.” Zara said, somewhat defensively. “Besides, why would Amy even worry about her? It’s not like she’s much of a threat.”
“Come on Za. She’s gorgeous and she’s broken,” Holly said, and I flinched further into the cubicle. “Theo appreciates beauty, as we well know, and broken things fascinate him. He tries to fix stuff that he knows can’t be fixed; it’s what he does. She’s the ultimate challenge; and the ultimate reward if he can get her back to the way she was.”
“Whatever,” Zara scoffed. “How would you know that?”
“Do you not see how he looks at her? It’s like this weird protective lust or something,” Holly said. I tried to block my ears but I could still hear. “Didn’t you see what happened at lunch?”
“No,” Zara said, her interest peaking. “What happened?”
“Okay, she was sitting by herself like usual and then Theo and his friends got up from their table and went to sit with her. He was smiling like he’d won the lottery or something.”
“Yeah, so?"
“God, let me finish,” Holly interjected. “So they’re sitting and she’s not saying anything, just staring at her food, and then these sophomores at the next table start talking really loudly about her. No one says anything until they start saying stuff about Blakely Dunham,” there was a pause at the mention of her name. “And then out of nowhere Theo gets up and starts threatening the girls with ‘social murder’. I’ve never seen him that serious about anything. It was actually really scary.”
“Wow, that is weird,” Zara said. “Hey, did Rory eat any of her lunch?”
Just then another cubicle door slammed open and the walls of mine vibrated from the force of it. I flinched and heard footsteps moving towards the two girls.
“Yes, she did eat her lunch. Not that it’s any of your business,” a new girl’s voice almost yelled. I quickly got down onto the cold tiles and looked at their feet from under the door. Two pairs of pumps were huddled together against a sink, and a pair of trainers was facing them.
“Oh, Sam,” Zara said quickly, “we weren’t trying to offend anyone. We were just talking.”
“Talking,” Sam sneered. “There is a huge difference between casual chatting, and dissecting someone’s life in the girls’ bathroom. The only people who get to talk about Rory are the people who know her, and right now that group consists of her mom and Theo.”
“Yeah, yeah, we know. We didn't mean anything by it.”
“God, what is wrong with you? How can you make her sound like some sort of trophy for Theo? She is a human being, not a prize or a zombie. And Theo is an amazing person. I know you can’t possibly imagine him having a personality behind his face, but he would never think of anyone that way, and especially not Rory.”
There was a long silence until Zara said, “So, she doesn’t have an eating disorder then?”
“Oh my God,” Sam groaned and her feet started heading for the door in long strides. “You people are disgusting.”
The door clicked behind her and the room fell completely silent. I debated walking out and seeing the look on their faces, but the confrontation would be way too awkward for me to handle.
“Oh my God,” Holly whispered. "I think I almost just peed in my pants."
I decided to get off the floor and wait until they left, but as I tried to get up I accidentally kicked the toilet bowl and made a huge noise.
“Hey,” Zara said after a second, “who’s in there?”
I immediately shoved my nails into my mouth and began chewing.
“Have you been here is this whole time?” Holly asked, nearing the door. When I didn’t answer she said, “Come on, open the door.”
After a moment, I realized I had no choice so I threw my tissue in the bin and slowly unlatched the door, completely unsure of how the girls would react. As it swung open they looked confident and determined, standing shoulder-to-shoulder. As soon as they saw me, their faces collapsed and Holly even gasped.
“Oh my God,” she said, eyes wide. “You heard all that?”
I fumbled over to the sink and began washing my hands. They followed like puppies.
“I’m so sorry,” Zara said. Her face was bright red, as I saw in the mirror. “What Sam said was so true. We have no right to talk about you.”
I shook out my hands and wiped them along my jeans. Then I turned to them and smiled. “Don’t worry about it,” was all I said, and then I left.
As I walked down the hall to fetch my books for Chem, I realized I was angry, but not at them. I was angry at myself for having a reason to be talked about in the first place.
The next thing I knew my eyes were flooding with artificial light and my right arm was numb from sleeping on it. My cell phone was flashing and beeping on my desk. I blinked against the light and stumbled over to answer it with the hand I could use.
“Hello?” I croaked, my voice incredibly unattractive sounding and sore.
“Hey you,” Theo chirped on the other end.
“Hi,” I said again, awkwardly.
“Whoa, what’s up with your voice?”
I tried to block out the pathetic image of me screaming into a pillow. “Nothing,” I said. “Don’t you think it’s a little inappropriate to be calling this late? Or at all, really…?”
“Nah, it’s only nine,” he stated, either not getting the insult, or choosing to ignore it. “Besides, I’m calling for educational purposes.”
I sighed deeply. “Educational purposes?”
“The history assignment we’re doing together?”
My stomach fell a few feet through the floor. “Since when are we doing a history assignment together?”
“Since Mr. McKenna told us about it today.”
“No, I remember that part,” I said, chewing on a stubby fingernail. “But did he specifically say that we’re partners?”
There was a long pause. “Is that a problem?” was what he finally said.
“That’s not an answer.”
“Funny. You asked a question and I replied. I believe that is in fact an answer.”
I grunted and dug my fingers into the phone. “Is it really necessary for you to be such a smart ass every second of the day?”
“Is that a trick question?”
I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down as best I could. “Look Theo, I know you want us to be friends, but I really can’t do this. You literally drive me insane and I don’t need all this added crap in my life.”
There was a static muffling sound on the other end, and then a few moments of dead silence. “Can I ask you a question?” he finally said.
“If you have to.”
He sighed. “Do you remember how when we were younger you used to say laughing was medicine for the soul?”
“Yes?” I stammered, realizing I hadn’t thought about that in years.
“I drive you crazy. So what?” he said. “I want you to think about the last person who made you laugh. If I’m not that guy then I’ll drop this and you never have to speak to me again. But if I am that guy, I think you owe it to yourself to put up with me,” there was a long pause, and he cleared his throat. “’Cause I mean, you’re that person for me.”
I rolled over to look at the photos on my bedside table. I focused my attention on a particular one of Blakely. She was smiling magnificently at the camera, sunlight spilling around her like an aura. It was a surreal moment, almost like she was really there. What the hell do you think you’re doing? she’d say. You have Prince Charming basically declaring his love for you on the end of that line and you’re thinking about me? Just forgive him already. There's no way you can reject that face for much longer.
I smiled for her. Her head was always in the clouds; I could never take her seriously. But maybe for once she was right. Not about Theo being a fairytale character, of course, but maybe I could trust him.
He did live the American Dream after all; perhaps some of it would rub off on me.
“Well,” he said slowly, “I’ll take your complete silence as the queue for me to never speak to you again. Sorry I wasted your time.”
“No, no,” I said quickly. “You’re not that bad, okay? Let’s just get through this assignment and if I haven’t killed myself by the end of it, then maybe we can talk about hanging out or something. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Wow, really?” he laughed. “Okay, awesome. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
I told the Blakely in my heart that I’d try, really try to be friends with him. I wished she could have been here to see it. Because for the first time in a long time, I was genuinely excited to see someone, even if he was a complete moron.
