Yakima (Just Dialogue)

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“I really don't think he meant for it to happen this way.”
“What are you talking about, Nella? You're just lovesick. He did this to hurt you...”
“No, he loves me, Yakima. He loves me and would never hurt me.”
“You have to understand what is happening to you!”
“Happening to me? Last I knew, I was just fine!”
“You think he loves you. He wants you to think that. Stop being blinded by who you think Timothy is and realize that the real Tim is bad. Hes not good for you!”
“You are just jealous. You've never had a boyfriend so you are jealous. Well, for your information, I don't care!”
“Obviously you do!”
“I do no...”
“Aha! You are trying to stray us away from our conversation!”
“Conversation? Its an argument, use proper grammar, Yakima.”
“Stop being a bitch and listen!”
“Huh! You called me a...”
“Yes! I did, now get over it. Tim is a bad person, he sells drugs, hurts people and steals. What do you see in him?”
“I see the part of him that can change!”
“He cant change! Hes a twenty year old with no morals!”
“Well then, I guess were a perfect match!”
“You can change, you are on the right path, hes not, Nella. He shot someone yesterday! How can you wave that off your shoulder? He shot an innocent person, a passerby. Come on, Nella, just hear me out!”
“No, there is no reason to. I love Timothy whether you like it or NOT!
“Fine, just go.”
“I will!”

“Babe, whats wrong?”
“I fought with Yakima earlier.”
“Why?”
“Did you shoot the woman just because you wanted to? I think she may have a point.”
“Oh, Nella, she is just trying to fill your head with hate. You know you love me.”
“I don't know, it just seems...”
“Babe hush, just listen to my voice. Drown in it if you may. Come on, smile.”
“Timothy stop, I am not in the mood!”
“Well, it will make you happy, you know it will. Let it all go, Yakima is trying to steal you away from me. I WONT let that happen. Can I protect you, Nella?”
“Yes, Timothy, oh yes!”
“I will protect you forever.”
“Lets go. Lets go home.”

“Timothy, why are you doing this? Please, don't!”
“You knew this day would come, Yakima.”
“What? What day? Why are you holding a gun to my head? Please, tell me! What did I do wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“No, but you ARE hurting Nella.”
“How am I hurting her when YOU are the one shooting people? How can she trust you? How does she trust you? Your crazy!”
“I swear, I am going to shoot you!”
“Then do it!”
“Timothy!”
“Nella?”
“Nella! Help me, please!”
“Timothy, don't do this! Is it because of what I said last night?”
“Yes, Nella. You need to be rid of this little creep once and for all! She is no good for you!”
“Nella, he is the one not good for you! Don't leave me!”
“Timothy...I love you.”
“Good.”
“But she is my best friend.”
“Thank you, Nella thank you. I knew you would realize he Tim was bad. Can you get him away from me? Please? The gun is still on my head.”
“No. You are my best friend and I am sick of you. Timothy, I love you. I choose you.”
“No! You can't!”
“Yes, I can, Yakima.”
“Leave Nella alone, Yakima, she made her decision. And I have made mine.”
“Nella, you betrayed me.”

“Oh god!”
“What is it babe? Now we can be together.”
“What have I done!”
“Its all gonna be better now, babe.”
“No. its not! Get out of here, take your soul and be damned to hell! You're a demon! A freak! A monster!”
“No, she was the monster, Nella. Yakima was.”
“I am not falling for your shit any more, Tim! Go away and leave me to mourn! Please!”
“No, you should be crying on my shoulder right now!”
“I...will...never...lay on your shoulders again. Now let me be! Let me be!”
“I love you! You will never be free of me!”

“Oh, Yakima. Oh, my best friend forever. I will never forget you. I... I...I'm sorry. You were right! You were right and I should have listened to you! Goodbye, Yakima, goodbye.”
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.




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Hey, Emmy! I'm Firearris (Or Heather), and I'll be your reviewer today.

To be honest, I'm not really sure what to say on this piece. If this is actually part of your story and you plan to have it like this, I have a few things to say. :P

Sure, this is just dialogue, but you really should have some more description. What are the characters doing besides talking? Are they smiling or shifting their weight? Do they have a nervous tone? Are they playing with their hair or screaming or gasping? I'd recommend reading Dreamer's topic, How To Get Rid of Talking Heads. That should help explain what I mean and show you how to fix it. You can find plenty more tutorials and tips similar to that one in the YWS Knowledge Base.

Anyways though, I don't really know anything that can be done or said about this piece until it gets some more description added to it!

Good luck and happy writing. Feel free to PM me if you need anything.

~Heather
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard appears "We have weasels now!"
[Firearris] 10:45 pm: askes the guard for the weasel!
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard gives Firearris the Weasel.
[Firearris] 10:46 pm: aquires the weasel and renames it "Cat"

Take that, Lumi.




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I definitely agree with Fire - this piece can't stand alone as just dialogue! All dialogue...well most dialogue...must be accompanied by some descriptions, otherwise it's not nearly as interesting to read. Secondly, instead of saying things like, "He did this to hurt you" say what the this is! Give us more details as to what exactly he did!

I hope this helps just a little bit!
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." - Anton Chekhov




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Reviews 113
Trust me, I know that I need more. But this was for a contest, sorry for not making that clear. The contest stated that I could not use voice tags at all. Sorry for the mix up. I know it is weird, I kept dying to throw in a voice tag but I didnt so that I could get into the contest.
Sorry!
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.



If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn