The Answer

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Caerulean
Gender Male
Points 9616
Reviews 263
Sat Apr 03, 2010 2:08 pm
Caerulean says... · Sat Apr 03, 2010 2:08 pm
This is one of the poems I wrote for our English subject.
- - - - - - -
I slowly stood up and gave this to thee –
This card I wrote with expressions so free
So then, I waited in this dull patience
For answers so real and full of essence

Then, I had the chance to talk with thee
With words I uttered, please believe me
I speak not the thoughts that lie
For they will cause the time to fly

When we came to speak, we began to stutter
As we awaited the words that art better
Finally, I asked the sanity of thee
If thou canst let me in thy heart with glee

Thou hast answered, my heart skipped a beat
And I almost lifted my bottom from my seat.
What I heard from thee colored grey on me –
“I cannot yet open my heart with liberty.”

“It’s alright – I accept your word.”
At least my heart is not yet sore.
Through confusions and vague goodbyes,
The wits of mine had not resigned.
Last edited by Caerulean on Mon Jun 14, 2010 12:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring
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SunSetWest
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 3
Sat Apr 03, 2010 3:44 pm
SunSetWest says... · Sat Apr 03, 2010 3:44 pm
Over all I found it enjoyable, but the rhyme threw me off. Personally I don't like poetry that rhymes, but you said it was an assignment so maybe you had to. That aside though here is what I have to say.

You use (e) for your rhyme scheme quiet a bit and I'm not sure if it was. If it was there is no pattern to it. My suggestion would be an AA-BB-AA-CC-AA-DD-AA-EE and so on kind of format to help it flow. If it wasn't intentional, then I don't feel it really fits and recommend looking into making it a theme or changing it.

Other than that I see nothing wrong with it. Your idea's developed fine so over all a fine piece of literature. If you should fix it let me know I I would gladly reread it and tell you what I think.

Ciao, SunSetWest
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Hypocrit
Gender Male
Points 4038
Reviews 25
Sat Apr 03, 2010 5:40 pm
Hypocrit says... · Sat Apr 03, 2010 5:40 pm
Mmmmmm.

So first off, you're going to want ot ditch the rhyme scheme because it's tying your image to an anchor, sinks, stinks, sucks.

Also, you have so few nouns that it would be hard to give image regardless, so we the reader really have little knowledge of what's going on, and even less reason to care.

Let's try it like this

"I slowly stood up"

A good start. Your character hands the other character a card.

Expressions so free? That's pretty vague. Feel whatever emotion that is, and tie it to a solid form. Is it passion? Is it lik fire? Then your character hands a torch. Is it fluid like water?

Etc... etc... etc...

Start from there. If you take my advice, PM me and we'll work on the next step.
You know how dumb the average guy is, right? Well, mathematically, by definition, half of them are even dumber than that.
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Caerulean
Gender Male
Points 9616
Reviews 263
Wed Apr 07, 2010 4:49 pm
Caerulean says... · Wed Apr 07, 2010 4:49 pm
Like what I replied to my other poem, thanks for the reviews! It makes me feel guilty that you guys give creative comments but in the end, I'm not gonna edit or do anything. It's because this was just for an assignment and I don't really write poems. I'm so sorry but still, thank you! :D
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring
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User avatar
Caerulean
Gender Male
Points 9616
Reviews 263
Sat Apr 10, 2010 7:39 am
Caerulean says... · Sat Apr 10, 2010 7:39 am
Just to clarify things, I'm still taking in the reviews and comments you give me so...please, don't take this the wrong way, okay? :D
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring
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