Sun Kissed

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Sun Kissed
By: sparkle8744

Night had fallen and the stars gleamed in the sky above. Torches that were lit with fire lit up the courtyard and I was thankful, for I could see where I was walking. My hands were lifting up my dress as I walked quickly through the garden. The ball had been one of the bests. It was filled with laughter and music and love.
“Peter!” I whispered several yards away from him, but he heard my voice and stopped abruptly. We were both silent for several moments. The string quartet was playing in the ballroom still and owls hooted in the trees.
“Anna, I should’ve been back at my masters house hours ago. If Mr. Haysworth finds me out of my bed I will be fired. If we are going to be married in a few years I must finish my apprentice work so I can support a family. We’ve talked about this.
“I just don’t want you to go yet,” I spoke walking towards him.
“I must go. Once I get off work tomorrow evening, I’ll stop by. I promise.” His hand reached out and took mine. He leaned down and kissed it and then moved his lips to mine. They moved gently for several moments until his lips glided away from mine.
“I must be at the shop early in the morning and you don’t see me going anywhere.”
“But you don’t live with your master,” He said pointedly.
“We never get any alone time. Can’t I at least walk you home?”
“Anna, I’ll walk you home. Your cottage isn’t but a mile or two from mine. I’ll be my pleasure,” Peter said.
We were young. Almost sixteen. Before he became an apprentice for a blacksmith when he was eleven, we used to play out in the fields next to my house. Even when he started working for the apprentice he would find time to come over to my house, but more than a year ago when my parents died leaving me and my older brother, John, and my older sister Beth he could hardly find time during the week where we could spend together. John supported Beth and I and loved Peter like a brother. They were best friends for several years until we became in love. They still are best friends, but now that John is now my provider and guardian it can be a bit awkward.
After my parents died, we inherited money; more than we new what to do with. We were rich before, but in those days we had parents who managed it. Peter’s family was also wealthy. After my parents died his family took us in as there own until we all got back on our two feet. They had always been like family to us and soon I hope they will be.
“Is anyone home?” Peter asked.
“I believe they are still at the ball. They should be home shortly. John went with Rebekah and Beth went with Charity. I’m excited. I think John and Rebekah will get married soon. Hopefully Beth will find someone soon.”
“That’s wonderful. I miss spending time with your brother. That’s how we met you know.”
“Yes. You should come by on Saturday. You should spend some time with him. You are both best friends anyway,” I spoke.
“Yes. He has and always will be my best friend.”
We were silent for a moment.
“Are you sure you wont mind being home alone?”
“You must be at work in the morning. Don’t stay for me. I’ll be fine. Run along and come see me at the shop tomorrow.”
“You know I will,” He said pressing his lips gently on mine.
“Have a wonderful night, Anna.”
“It would be better spent with you,” I said smiling.
“I agree, but damn it we aren’t married yet,” he said moving his eyes up and down my body.
“I love you,” I said whispering.
“I love you too,” He spoke, “Goodbye.”
I opened the door to my home. The familiar smell overwhelmed me and I made my way to my bedroom. I undressed myself taking off my best gown and corset. I slipped on my night dress. My hair, still in it’s usual perfect brown ringlets dangled down my shoulder and my back. I heard the front door open down below my bedroom chamber.
“Come on in Rebekah. I believe we are the only one’s home.”
I watch them from the staircase where I would remain unseen. Rebekah was my age, a few years younger than him. She and I had known each other our whole lives. John’s lips lingered around her neck until they found her lips. They kissed for a few moments until he broke the kiss his skin growing pale.
“Rebekah, there is something we need to talk about. Something I’ve been wanting to ask for too long now.”
“What is it, John?” She asked worried noticing his unusually pale skin.
“I love you. You’ve been a wonderful family friend for years. You’re one of the best things that has every come across me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and start a family with you,” He said nervously and breathlessly.
“Will you please marry me?” He spoke after a small pause.
“Oh my goodness, John! I don’t know what to say! Of course I’ll marry you! I thought you would never ask!” She rolled her fingers through his hair and kissed him lovingly for several moments. At first I thought they would never stop.
“It’s getting late,” my brother said after several minutes of kissing.
“I haven’t talked to Anna in a while. How is she?” She asked randomly.
“She’s better. She is doing well after our parents death.”
“Are she and Peter still…”
“Yes,” he interrupted.
“Are they getting engaged?”
“Probably. I love Peter, but Anna is too young. Beth isn’t even married.”
“They’ve been in love for several years now. I’m surprised she’s not already married.”
“I think the same. He still has six months before he finishs his apprentice work. He can’t get married until that’s over with. He’ll have to have a family to provide for.”
“I’ll contact the church in the morning,” John said again.
“I must be going. I would stay, but Beth and Anna will be coming in soon and the walls here are paper-thin. We can’t have them hear us kissing.”
“Yes. I will see you tomorrow, Rebekah. Come by the shop. I’ll be working in the back, but Anna will be working the cashier.”
“I’ll have to talk to her. Bye, John.”
He kissed her before leaving and shut the door.
“Is anyone home?”
“I am,” I spoke from the staircase.
“How long have you been here?” He spoke alarmed.
“About half an hour.”
“Did you hear any of our conversation?” He asked his face turning red.
“All of it.”
“You saw everything?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
I thought for a moment.
“I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I didn’t know you didn’t want Peter and I to…”
“Anna, I love Peter. He’s my best friend.”
“And Rebekah’s mine.”
He paused not knowing what to say.
“I’m only two years younger than you,” I said finally.
“I’ve known for years Peter and you would always get married.”
“Me too. So has he. We’re getting married in a year or so anyway.”
“Your engaged?!” He asked.
“No officially.”
“Anna! Neither you or Peter are mature enough to handle a married relationship!”
“And how would you know this, John? I’m perfectly mature enough to get married at this moment!”
“Maybe so! But how are you going to be a parent when the time comes? Are you mature enough for that?”
“Are you?”
He didn’t speak.
“So this is why you don’t like Peter and I getting married in a couple years? You know he has to finish his work before we can get married. I’ll be your age maybe older before the time comes. I don’t know what your worrying, John?”
“What’s all of this yelling?” Beth asked, “I could hear you from down the path.”
“Is ‘tis nothing at all,” I said quietly and turned to walk to my bedchamber.
“Can you two stop fighting for once, John? Ever since Mama and Papa died you’ve been trying to keep her tied down. It’s not going to work. John. It’s just not. All you two have done since they died is fight about boundaries.”
“I’m her guardian! I need to raise her.”
“She’s sixteen. She’s already been raised. Mama and Papa knew about her and Peter and they never gave it a second thought. If you want this family to stay together, you need to respect others wishes. Peter is your best friend. He’s always respected Anna and has never pushed her. I don’t think he’s going to stop now, so give it up,” Beth said and followed the stairs up to her bedroom.
For a long while the house remained silent. No one spoke and the large house didn’t creak with movement. After a long while, I drifted off to sleep.
Last edited by Evi on Thu May 06, 2010 11:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: For your own safety, please do not include your real name!




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This was sweet :D A few nit-picks:

“I just don’t want you to go yet,” I spoke walking towards him.


I don't think spoke is the best word here, it might be better if it was 'said'. Also, you need a comma after 'spoke'.

I must go. Once I get off work tomorrow evening, I’ll stop by. I promise.” His hand reached out and took mine. He leaned down and kissed it and then moved his lips to mine. They moved gently for several moments until his lips glided away from mine.


You used the word 'mine' too much! Try: 'His hand reached out and took mine. He leaned down to kiss it then moved his lips to my own. After several moments, they glided away.'

“Anna, I’ll walk you home. Your cottage isn’t but a mile or two from mine. I’ll be my pleasure,” Peter said.


I think 'you' would be better in italics seeing as Anna proposed to walk him home but he's emphasising the point that he should walk her home. Also, it should be 'It'll be my pleasure' instead of 'I'll be my pleasure'. :D

We were young. Almost sixteen.


I think this would be better as one sentence: 'We were young - almost sixteen.'

when my parents died leaving me and my older brother, John, and my older sister Beth


I think it would be better if you got rid of the 'and' that I put in bold - it's unnecessary. Replace it with a comma.

After my parents died his family took us in as there own until we all got back on our two feet.



'Their own' - not there own!!! Also, 'on our own two feet' would sound better.

“I believe they are still at the ball. They should be home shortly. John went with Rebekah and Beth went with Charity. I’m excited. I think John and Rebekah will get married soon. Hopefully Beth will find someone soon.”


There's a lack of emotion in this - 'I'm excited' should have an exclamation mark after it instead of a full stop, and so should 'Hopefully Beth will find someone soon.'

“That’s wonderful. I miss spending time with your brother. That’s how we met you know.”


That doesn't have anything to do with the last sentence. Also, there should be a comma after 'met'.

“Yes. You should come by on Saturday. You should spend some time with him. You are both best friends anyway,” I spoke.


I spoke? Again, it doesn't sound right. It should be 'said'.

“Are you sure you wont mind being home alone?”


Won't!!!

You know I will,” He said pressing his lips gently on mine.


'He' shouldn't be capitalized. Also, there should be a comma after 'said.'
“I love you,” I said whispering.


'I whispered' or 'I said' - 'said whispering' sounds strange, unless you but a comma between the two words.

“I love you too,” He spoke, “Goodbye.”


Spoke! Also, 'he' shouldn't be capitalized.

“Come on in Rebekah. I believe we are the only one’s home.”


'One's' means 'one is' - in that case it doesn't make sense in this sentence. It should be 'ones'.

My hair, still in it’s usual perfect brown ringlets dangled down my shoulder and my back.


'It's' should be changed to 'its'.

I watch them from the staircase where I would remain unseen.


Beware of your tenses! It should be 'watched'.

Rebekah was my age, a few years younger than him.


It's unclear who 'him' is. It would be better if you replaced it with 'John'.

They kissed for a few moments until he broke the kiss his skin growing pale.


There should be a comma after 'kiss'.

“What is it, John?” She asked worried noticing his unusually pale skin.


It should be: 'she asked, worried, noticing his unusually pale skin'.

“Did you hear any of our conversation?” He asked his face turning red.


There should be a comma after 'asked'.

“Is ‘tis nothing at all,” I said quietly and turned to walk to my bedchamber.


Is 'tis? I think you mean 'it is' :)

Wow that was long! :shock:
Remember: instead of "I love you," She said it should be "I love you," she said. Don't capitalize after speech!!!

Overall: it need some work and I think you could put a lot more emotion in this. What does Anna feel when Peter is kissing her? When she overhears Rebeka's and John's conversation? Also, you should describe the surroundings a little more - is their house small, big? What was it like at the ball? Why were they at a ball in the first place? Why did Anna's parents die? What does Peter look like? What time is this set in? Go through the text again and try to answer these questions. Apart from all that, though, it was a sweet storyline and you should definitly carry on! :D

Hope I helped :)




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I started this, but, honestly, there were too many punctuation errors and too much awkward wording. It got to me. So I'll just point out a few places where you could improve your work.

First, I would suggest checking out this website; it will help you figure out where to put commas: http://www2.ivcc.edu/rambo/eng1001/commas.htm

Secondly, look out for the show-don't-tell rule. For example, this is telling:

My hands were lifting up my dress as I walked quickly through the garden.


And THIS is showing:

The rich fabric of my skirt bunched in between my fingers as I rushed through the flower garden.


Oh, and repetition. I noticed a lot of that, as well. At some point in the chapter you used the word mine three times in three sentences. Watch out for that, too.

And finally, your dialogue. It's too modern for the era you're shooting for. Use language that's eloquent. Do not instead of don't, that kind of thing. If your character is saying something in a way that you think you might say it, then chances are it's wrong.

That's all I have. Admittedly, I only scanned the chapter, but this little bit should help. Keep writing, and best of luck with your editing.

KJ




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cute. it was cute how they would sneak to see each other. kinda reminds me of a certain, well-known Shakespearean play. but it's still okay. i like the background you give us. with the money and peter's apprenticeship.
If we are going to be married in a few years, I must finish my apprentice work so I can support a family.

commas are necessary
“Anna, I’ll walk you home. Your cottage isn’t but a mile or two from mine. I’ll be my pleasure,” Peter said.

don't you mean It'll?
I don’t know what your worrying about, John?”

did you forget to add the about? i think it sounds right with the about
“But you don’t live with your master,” He said pointedly.

he shouldn't be capitalized.
After my parents died, his family took us in as there own until we all got back on our two feet. They had always been like family to us and soon I hope they will be.

comma, comma! and i didn't get the last sentence. does anna hope that they will be family, as in someone getting married linking the two families? i'm guessing, but i think you should clarify that.

overall, i thought that this was okay. just revise some of the things, and i think that everything should move along a lot more smoothly.

-julie (:
kissin' sailors




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Really great story! As this is quick reply and you have to type at least 250 characters...bleh. I noticed a few spelling mistakes. Umm... you said new instead of knew at one point, I can't seemt to find it... =P I love love love how this story takes place when they still had balls and stuff like that, always loved romance stories taking place during that time. =D

Awesome job! PM me when next part comes up? Thanks!

~Hugs,
Rose
If you're mad at someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either
a rock star or an opera diva.


:3 ROSE WUZ HERE :3




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I read your first post of this story, and I have to say, I liked it more. This one lacks emotion, whereas the other had some, if not enough. For me, this felt like one huge info-dump. I don't want her life story in the first chapter. In one night, you give us the fact that her parents died, the idea that her and Peter are two kids that want to be married, the proposal between her brother and his fiancee, the fact her boyfriend is her brother's best friend, her brother's thoughts about her age, ect. ect. ect... It just seems to go on and on.

Save some of that information. Show it to us. Don't tell us about it. I agree with some of the other critiquers that you need to work on showing, not telling.

Otherwise, I liked your story line, and the setting. Just space it out a bit. This has potential, so I'm looking forward to see what you do with it. PM me when you put something new up.

-youreit
I smile, because I'd rather have laugh lines than a perma frown. :)



Believe only half of what you see, and nothing that you hear.
— Edgar Allan Poe