Addictions (2)

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I might change this chapter completely. I don't know... I changed it five times already. :lol:






Once I had finished taking a shower, putting on make-up, and straightening my hair, I had waddled into my closet to find something to wear. I ended up with a black skirt that went just a bit above my knees, a long, cotton tank-top that matched it, along with black flats with silky bows for my shoes.

“Might as well watch T.V. till Danni comes,” I mumbled.

I walked over to the couch that I had lied in all day, and quickly averted to the fluffy, one-cushioned couch instead. Pressing the ‘on’ button, CSI was playing. I never really was interested in that show, but either way, there was nothing else to do.

After thirty minutes of CSI—without me getting the chance to see who the murderer was, the doorbell rang. It rang twice more impatiently.

“Coming, Danni!”

Speeding to the door, I yanked it open and Danielle hugged me tight. “Hey!” I greeted her happily.

“I’m so excited! Are you ready to go?” Danni asked as she wobbled in her blue pumps.

“Yeah, ‘course.”

*

The pub was packed, but we still decided to go inside. It was extremely noisy and you could barely walk through the multiple crowds gathered. The smell of sweat and sour beer filled my noise and it scrunched up. Some rather desperate men and women were looking around, trying to find someone to hook up with, although I shouldn't of been talking. The rest were talking amongst themselves, or gathered around at the bar.

"I'm going to get someone to talk to," Danni said, and walked around until a guy approached her.

“I’m going to get a drink,” I told her as she went--even though she didn't listen and scooted off to the bar. “Miller,” I told the bartender and held out my I.D.

“Two bucks,” she replied plainly and I handed her the money while she handed me the mug and my I.D.

I chugged some down my throat and swallowed the bittersweet liquid—it almost tasted like melted aluminum, but I didn’t care. Beer might’ve tasted terrible, but it was relaxing. Drinking some more, I heard some guy's voice.

“Hi,” someone said who was apparently sitting next to me.

“Err, hi,” I greeted him while looking at the half-empty mug.

“I’m Eric,” he replied and looked at me.

“I’m Mari,” I smiled to him and picked at my skirt.

“Nice to meet you,” Eric told me as he looked at the counter.

“You too.”

"So... what brings you here, Mari?"

"My friend--she was dumped. Though, it looks like she doesn't mind much anymore," I replied, and pointed my thumb to her with the guy who talked with her.

He grinned and said, "Perfect place to get over your ex."

Laughing, I smiled at him, "I know. It's a great place--for Danni, at least." Immediately, Jimmy came to mind, and my heart sunk. His face soaked up my thoughts and I frowned. Jimmy needed me to help him and there I was, trying to flirt with another guy--although failing, of course. No. He betrayed you, I thought, defending myself against my conscience. But... he was always there for you, even if he did cheat on you, and smoke--exactly! He was completely untruthful. Jimmy doesn't need me, how about he gets one of the girls he hooked up with to help him quit?

“So, are you in college?” he inquired randomly; interrupting my thoughts.

“Actually, no, I’m out. I’m working as an assistant for this magazine company, and I write stories part time. What about you?”

“That sounds fun. What type of stories? And yeah, I'm almost done. It's my last semester right now."

“Pfft. Hardly,” I replied with a grin. “I write mostly short stories; they really only get published to Junior High reading hardcovers."

"Either way, it's really cool."

"Thanks," I smiled and looked at him. "What's your major?"

"Oh, I major in psychology, actually," Eric responded.

"You're going to be a psychologist?"

"Yeah, I love to help people."

"Really?" I wondered aloud, idiotically. Of course he does, stupid, he just said that.

Eric laughed and nodded. “Yeah, totally. Hey… um, do you have a watch or the time?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh, I just was wondering what time it was. I can’t leave my little sister with the babysitter for long,” Eric explained and sighed. “She’s with her a lot since I’m in college.”

“Why… is she visiting you?”

“No, it’s nothing. Do you have the time?” Eric asked again.

“Yeah, yeah, let me check my phone—nine ten.”

“Crap,” he muttered and looked at me. “It was really nice meeting you; I hope we can hang out again.”

“Yeah… don’t you want my number?” I wondered out loud.

“Oh, definitely,” Eric answered and held out his cell once I handed him mine. We exchanged cell numbers and then returned our phones. “See you again?”

“I guess.”

“Cool,” he said and gave me a hug. “Bye, Mari.”

“Bye.”

Once Eric was out of the club, I took my seat at the bar again. So much for a one-night-stand, I thought, annoyed. Jimmy's face drowned my mind, and I took a deep breath. His smile, his laugh, his hugs, his lips, all came to mind as I could feel, hear and see each memory. No, stop it. He cheated on you. He smoked marijuana behind your back. He... held you when you were sad. He made you laugh whenever you needed to, and stayed up all night with you. No, he... loves you. But, he did too much... I sighed loudly out of frustration and looked at the bartender.

“Get me a beer.”
Last edited by LovexPeacexRandomx3 on Tue Dec 06, 2011 11:32 pm, edited 8 times in total.
"Tom: What happens if you fall in love?
Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?" -(500) Days of Summer
Spoiler
My name is Eduardian.

Spoiler
Not really, though.




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I ended up with a black skirt with medium-sized sequins along the waist that went halfway down my thigh except for the frill that went as low as above my knee, a tank-top that matched the color of the skirt and had small sequins along the neckline, a pair of shiny black studs, and black flats with a silky bow for my outfit.


This sentence is WAY too long. Condense it, and make it more interesting. Add some voice to it. Right now, it just seems like you're reading something off a list. Is this really how your character would talk in real life?

I walked over to the couch that I had worn out from laying in it all day, and quickly sat on the fluffy, one-cushioned couch instead.


I don't really understand this quote.. Maybe instead you could say,
I walked over to the couch that I had previously worn out from laying in it all day, and quickly averted to the other one-cushioned couch instead. But you can't really wear out a couch in one day so...

“I’m so excited! Are you ready to go?” Danni asked as she wobbled a bit in her blue pumps.

Omit the "a bit". You don't need it.

Desperate men and women were looking around, trying to find someone to fuck, although I shouldn't of been talking.

I'm sure not EVERYONE in the club was looking for a one-night stand. You could say there were some people who were in euphoria, or something like that. Like people who were there just to have fun.
Also, do you want this to be a pub or a club? If it's a pub, then there won't be much dancing, and if it's a club, you wouldn't really be sitting at the bar, more likely a couch or something like that. But that's just my experience.

Finally, if Jimmy smoked marijuana just once, would you be this mad at him? You need to distinguish if Jimmy is a heavy user of marijuana or not, because right now it seems like you're mad at him because he experimented with pot.
Also, I think you should change the type of drug he's using. I think you could add more drama to the story by making him a coke addict, or something like that :)

Hope I helped :)
---------
"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi




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Once I had finished taking a shower and fixing my face up with make-up along with my hair being straightened, I had hurried into my closet to find something to wear

The first sentence was a little strange sounding. Do something to change the ‘fixing my face up with make-up’ part because it has one too many ‘up’s. And I’m not sure if hurried is the right word, because she was waiting for Danni to come, and wasn’t exactly in much of a rush.

All the time I see descriptions of outfits or characters being rattled off boringly. It’s always ‘Wendy has bright green eyes, and hair that shone like silk. She was wearing a flowing blue dress with white heels that had a silver flower on them.’ Sounds kind of boring, right? Whenever us girls make an outfit, we usually itemize everything like that, but it’s not how you should write it. Try and find a way to make it sound less like a grocery list.

I really liked the conversation with Erik. I thought it flowed nicely and so far I like his character.

Could you PM me if you post more? I‘m having fun reading this. Thanks!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Hey! Sorry it took me such a long time to read it, I couldn't find it... =P It was really good and I hope you make aa part 3 soon. Can't wait for that part to come out. I did have a question though, why's the title Addictions? I know you'll probably get onto that later in the story, as this is only part 2. But I was just wondering. Thanks!

Keep on keeping on!
(My most favorite quote IN DA WORLD)

~Hugs,
Rose

P.S Maybe not my most FAVORITE quote, the two other quotes in my signature are awesome also. As I'm a singing in the shower type of gal XD
If you're mad at someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either
a rock star or an opera diva.


:3 ROSE WUZ HERE :3




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Shisu and TBS--thanks for the reviews :D

Portersrose--thanks for the review, and to answer your question, I don't really know. I was thinking of doing something like an original quote at the last chapter, or changing the title altogether. Hope I answered it. ^.^
"Tom: What happens if you fall in love?
Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?" -(500) Days of Summer
Spoiler
My name is Eduardian.

Spoiler
Not really, though.



Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu