Untitled chapter 1

This is my first time posting something on here so I hope yall like it! sorry about all the grammar mistakes ill go back and fix those later. Enjoy!


I lie on my back in my bed, my hair covering the pillow. Brad lays on top of me. We are kissing each other passionately. my shirt is hanging on with two buttons and his is completely off, although we both had on pants. we are embracing and kissing each other like we never had before. i opened my eyes to look up at him and out of the corner of my eye i happen to see Tyler standing in the doorway.
"Baby whats wrong?" brad asks barely a whisper. Tyler turns around and slowly leaves.
"Baby...." i cut him off by bringing my finger to his lips. I slowly get up and start to walk out.
"Ill be right back, wait for me." he nods so i walk out. I find Tyler leaning up against the side of the house.
"Tyler I....." I start but he cuts me off by saying,
" forget it, it doesn't matter."
" yes it does." i say reaching out and grabbing his hand. he doesn't pull away so i step into him. we hug and for a few seconds its like nothing happened just us. then i hear the screen door shut behind me. I step out of Tyler so i am now directly in between them. I know exactly what they want me to do.
I'm not sure how they except me to choose. i could tell they were both sure of who i was going to choose but as the short time grew longer i could see doubt creeping into their eyes. i knew this moment would come, the moment when i would be forced to choose but i prayed it wouldn't come so quickly. that i would have already made my decision, but the more time i spent with both of them the harder that choice became.
As i stood their staring at the tree so i wouldn't have to look at either one of them i felt my knees grow weak and my head begin to spin. eventually i couldn't take it anymore and i collapsed. Tyler reached me first but only by a few seconds. I remember seeing Tyler's worried eyes them brands, but that's all i remember.

Hey WF, thanks for the review. And now I will do the same!

I enjoyed this. I can't wait until you define the characters more and I understand more about what is going on.

I know what you mean about grammatical mistakes-they are a pain, but the simple capitalizing of the pronoun "I" will make it look much cleaner. Please work on defining your characters more so I can see who they actually are. Work on explaining the situation too. Over all, I enjoyed it and I hope you will write more, Miss Potential!
Esther Sylvester

Hi, I'm Karma, and I'll be reviewing this today! There were a lot of little grammar mistakes so I'm going to quote the whole story and make my comments in this RED!

I lie on my back in my bed, my hair covering the pillow. Brad lays on top of me. We are kissing each other passionately. My shirt was hanging on with two buttons and his was completely off, although we both had on pants. "Is" is a present tense word, and this story is in the past tense, so you replace is with it's past tense counterpart, "was".We were- Once again are is present tense and it should be were, past tense. embracing and kissing each other like we never had before. I opened my eyes to look up at him and out of the corner of my eye I happen I'd cut out "happen", because it makes it sound as though seeing Tyler doesn't really matter.to see Tyler standing in the doorway. This paragraph starts the pattern of not capitalizing the first word of a sentence and your I's, which is just annoying. Also, even though this is a passionate scene, it's totally lifeless. It's just "I do this." Brad does this. We look like this." No passion, or feelings, or y'know, anything.
"Baby whats wrong?" Brad asks You're missing something here, a comma and "his voice" or "speaking in" or something of that sort.barely a whisper. Tyler turns around and slowly leaves.
"Baby...." I cut him off by bringing my finger to his lips. I slowly get up and start to walk out.
"I'll be right back, wait for me." He nods so I walk out. I find Tyler leaning up against the side of the house.Did she ever button her shirt? Also, what was Tyler doing in her house? Creepy.
"Tyler I....." I start but he cuts me off by saying,
" Forget it, it doesn't matter."
" Yes it does." I say reaching out and grabbing his hand. He doesn't pull away so I step into him.THis sounds weird, how about "into his arms"? We hug and for a few seconds it's It's is a contraction of "it" and "is", so you have to have an apostrophe between the it and the is.like nothing happened just usJust us is weird, how about "between us" or just cut that bit out?. Then I hear the screen door shut behind me. I step out of Once again, weird. And made weirder by the fact you're repeating the phrase. How about "away from" or "out of Tyler's hug/arms"?Tyler so I am now directly in between them. I know exactly what they want me to do.
I'm not sure how they exceptexpect me to choose. I could tell they were both sure of who I was going to choose You mean they both thought she was going to choose them? Or they both know she'll pick Brad and not Tyler or vice versa?but as the short time grew longer I could see doubt creeping into their eyes. I knew this moment would come, the moment when I would be forced to choose but I prayed it wouldn't come so quickly. That I would have already made my decision, but the more time I spent with both of them the harder that choice became.
As I stood there staring at the tree so I wouldn't have to look at either one of them I felt my knees grow weak and my head begin to spin. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I collapsed. Tyler reached me first but only by a few seconds. I remember seeing Tyler's worried eyes them brands Do you mean "then Brad's"?, but that's all I remember.

Big Stuff Now (No more RED, how sad. )

-There were a lot of grammar errors here. I highlighted all that I saw so you got an idea of how bad it was.

-You tell a lot, instead of show. It was most obvious in the first paragraph, but the whole story could use some description and less bland narration of what the MC does.

-Um, the plot was rather blah. A girl choosing between two boys. Oh my. It could be interesting, if you write it well, but you're going to have to work hard to make it stand out from the pack.

-SHE WAS MAKING OUT WITH BRAD. Did the voice in your head yell as it read that? Good. Because she can't make out with him, or get to second base, or whatever, without choosing him over Tyler. Or being a slut. But that's just my opinion, so....

-I wonder about this story's potential to stay interesting for a whole novel, which I assume it will be. Because honestly, a novel full of this girl deliberating between two guys won't be fun. Make sure to add subplots with friends, family, etc.

Overall, it was kinda unoriginal, with a lot of grammar issues. However, if you expanded, and fleshed out your characters into people the reader cares about and identifies with, then it has potential. It certainly has a wonderful cliffhanger ending, which I love. So keep writing, because there's nothing I'd love more than to see this reach it's huge potential.

~Karma

I wish I knew more about Brad and Tyler because this behavior seems kind of odd for two guys. Why was Tyler in their house? And he just came walking down the hall and noticed they were getting it on and decided to take a peek before leaving again? It seems strange that both guys would allow her to sleep around with either of them before she ‘decides’ which one she ‘loves’, I mean wouldn’t there be tons of hostility between them? Wouldn’t Tyler be a little angry after he walked in on that make-out session?

I don’t think it was the best idea to open your story like this, because as you can see I have tons of questions. Its hard for me to form an opinion of these characters after all I’ve seen of them was this.