Blood Tears (Chapter 9)

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My heart drummed agents my rids as I stared up at the owner of that sexy, seductive voice. His skin was creamy and smooth looking. His thin body was leaned up agents the frame of the door, his buff arms crossed in front of his chest and his sparkling, ice blue eye priced my soul.
A cocky smirk played across his full lips, "What's wrong?" He asked, pushing himself off the door frame and circled behind me to whisper softly in my ear, "Cat got your tongue?" his hot breath sent chills running down my spin, causing me to jump back into reality.
"What am I?" I repeated back at him, "I'm a person, dip shit."
He backed away from me and took a seat on the railing, "Kay than, what are you doing here?"
"I should be asking you the same thing."
He flipped his jet black hair away from his face, before specking again, "You're the one in my room, so leave the quotation asking to me."
"Your room?!" 'He's joking right? He couldn't possibly be my roommate. Could he?'
"Look doll face, this game is getting old really fast."
I just rolled my eyes, "Don't call me doll face." I pouted.
He got up from his perch and cupped my face in his hand, "You know, you're kinda cute when you're angry."
I let out a cold hearted laugh, "Hate to burst your bubble, but I have a boyfriend."
He raised a dark eye brow and bent down lower inches away from my lips, I could feel his cool sliver lip ring rub agents my mouth as he spoke, "I can change that."
Just then Ryan crept in, "Oh Seth, Ari, there you are. Come on Deven is waiting in the living room."
Seth swiftly moved away from me again and brushed his shaggy hair back over his right eye before storming out of the bed room.

Once we were all seated in the living room (Seth on the arm chair, Ryan and Deven on the couch and I on the love seat.) Deven's bright gold gazed over at me, "Who's the girl?" he asked Seth, who shrugged and glared at Ryan.
Ryan shifted in his seat and picked at his ear ring, "Well, that's my cousin, Ariel." he said as he began to tell them my tale. When he stopped Deven nodded in understandment, "So She's the new toy at Blackthorn Academy."
I gridded my teeth, "Hello, I'm still here you know."
Seth let out a heavy sigh, "Chill, doll face, no need to get worked up over nothing."
I shifted my hateful glare in his direction, "Call me doll face one more time."
"Or What?" he asked, straightening up in his chair.
"That's enough you two." ordered Deven.
I huffed and stormed into my room, slamming the door behind me. Pacing around the room calming myself down enough to grab my Ipod from off my bed and turn it on to "The Kill". I yanked open the closet door and started to unpack.




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Oh I love the way this story is going, I think Ari is going to have a hard life at her new school, now she has to share a room with a boy she hates(well I think she hates him, well that's what I got from the way she talkes to him), Great job GothicButterfly:)
"Your room?!" 'He's joking right? He couldn't possibly be my roommate. Could he?'
"Look doll face, this game is getting old really fast."
I just rolled my eyes, "Don't call me doll face." I pouted.
He got up from his perch and cupped my face in his hand, "You know, you're kinda cute when you're angry."
I let out a cold hearted laugh, "Hate to burst your bubble, but I have a boyfriend."
He raised a dark eye brow and bent down lower inches away from my lips, I could feel his cool sliver lip ring rub agents my mouth as he spoke, "I can change that."
This is my favourite passage from this Chapter.

Can't wait for the next Chapter. Please PM me when you'll submitt it:)Thanks:)

Ikafe
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe




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Hey GothicButterfly, I'll try to be as helpful as I can :)

GothicButterfly wrote:My heart drummed agents my rids as I stared up at the owner of that sexy, seductive voice. His skin was creamy and smooth looking. His thin body was leaned up agents the frame of the door, his buff arms crossed in front of his chest and his sparkling, ice blue eye priced my soul.


I think you meant
ribs instead of rids
against instead of agents
pierced instead of priced

Also, I think you should "show and not tell" how sexy his voice really is. try comparing it to something inanimate and unexpected maybe like textured gravel(not really the best example i can think of, I'm sorry) or something. The same goes when you said "buff arms". Paint a picture for the reader so we come to the conclusion that he has buff arms, don't just tell us.

GothicButterfly wrote:Once we were all seated in the living room (Seth on the arm chair, Ryan and Deven on the couch and I on the love seat.)

Like I said above, show don't tell. The story was going on pretty well until I came upon this sentence. It was pretty abrupt and it didn't really fit in well with this section. I want to see how Seth, Ryan, Deven and Ari are positioned in the living. Try to act on their positions. For example, you could describe Seth as leaning forward on his seat toward Ari to show his curiousity in her when he asks Ryan who she is.

Seth. Hmmm. Bad boy from what I can tell. I hope you expand his character well.

Overall, I like the story. I can't wait to see what happens with Ari and the rest of the crew at Blackthorn.

--plensterr
"If you see or notice what needs doing, then obviously you are the one chosen to do it…"
cherokee proverb



The best speculative fiction peels your mind and shows you the familiar from a direction you have not looked in before
— Neil Gaiman